Time to once again empty out any thoughts other than Wingate protocols running around in my head. I mentioned briefly a few blogs back that I had a vision when I was at Tenth for the first time - now know that I don't go throwing these things around and that they aren't something my rational nature likes to acknowledge especially when I begin to realize that I have no idea what it means - I thought I did. But I had another moment less dramatic than the Tenth one - but one of those gentle reminders Ann Lamont talks about - He has the tendency to put things into perspective in this amazing way. On my walk from the East bus loop I had this realization - more a question came to mind - where was I December 2000 at this time? How I can I forget that? Hyperventilating outside C9000 - feeling that my med school dream hung in the balance - that my inability to grasp limits, derivations and chain rule was a determinant in who I was. Sure I failed that exam miserably - I failed the course miserably - I failed, plain and simple. It was the first thing academically I failed at - it started the process of Him using this school to not only break me, but support and rebuild me in and through His mercy. Now I know that there were many nights I screamed, days I stumbled and semesters I limped through - there were also great ones - days when the ivy leaves on the library looked hand painted, when I felt alive in the texts of literary greats, days when at the end of it all He reminded me with the lights of the city - He is constant. Days like the last few where I've felt this desire to raise my hands and just say do with me as you will - regardless of success or failure, future or past - it doesn't matter that I don't have even an ounce of the future sorted out - You've got me and I've got to get it through this head that You are able to deliver and direct me.Note: I don't see this wonderful sun most days up here - thanks to the fog - I can though see a lightening of the clouds
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ponyboy101/1459206809/
3 comments:
God has used school to "break me" soooo many times. And I think I'm still learning. Jenn, this is one of my favourite blogs of yours. It's real. And it's deep.
thanks Leah - I had the courage to look back on my prayer journal from the last few months - and I was kind of shocked to see my writing - it had strength something that I hadn't/have not been feeling as of late - like I got a glimpse at the woman being born out of all this - and you know what? I like her - she's what I want to be - strong, and confident but not in the kick your ass kind of way - more so in the inspire, strong hand to support you kind of way.
Maybe I'll post one of them this weekend.
Word.
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