Monday, February 18, 2008

Let It Rain

Leave the sky clear, but let it rain in my life - it's an odd request. But after the events of last night, of yesterday in general I feel a weight, and a growing call - a growing desire to do something. I've sat in front of this screen for weeks now - trying to write, trying to get something out of this brain to be the foundation of my piece for Geez magazine - and I hadn't been able to do it until yesterday. And then it flicked, clicked, whatever and now I'm face to face with a piece that challenges my view of my life - how that happened who knows?

A challenged view of life seems to be going around these days. And it is a burden I know - cracks start to form and something breaks you wide open, it's painful and you sit there wondering where it came from, and sometimes if it could just go away. Talking to Leaha last night I expressed that we carry doubts - doubts not necessarily related to the situation. I am conscious that doubts come from insidious places; they can come from the whisperings of that which seeks to turn me from my call. My doubts: Can I use my degrees? What is my life path? There is a counseling program at a Seminary I was looking at - more school? Can I serve for an NGO and not become party to that which I abhor, the missional nature of US foreign policy? Can I be married and still serve or am I called to be single? That's a huge one, single vs. married - it's one I've sat on the fence for years over - sitting there for a variety of unhealthy reasons I'm sure - just wondering if there was a healthy one that started it all - one that I lost somewhere in the process... or maybe it was a feeling to sustain me for a time - I just don't know. But I know that while I'm set on a course opposite to that feeling, I don't feel like it's wrong.

Hmm, stuff to ponder - I have a feeling there will be a lot of that going around, a lot. So forgive me if I don't post, or the posts are wordy, obtuse, and in general fragmented - words, writing, thinking, talking is how this is all brought to form, like pulling a magician's scarf out of my brain, one thought comes, then the next and so on, until I've got something, and things are a lot less cramped and confused.

So what now? Know that He provisions all as it should be - all as it is to be - for a specific time, place and period of time. Why? Sometimes we know and other times we don't.

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