Friday, March 21, 2008

He's a Heartbreaker

My father did something today that I found heartbreaking and ironic all in the very same moment, he asked about Three. It wasn't the asking about Three that was heartbreaking, it was his response when I said it was over - he was noticeably upset. Aren't dad's suppose to be overly protective to the point of not letting you date? Or does that leave when the reality of an overly single 25 almost 26 year old daughter strikes you? He did manage to congratulate me on having the courage to "dip my toes in the water" which a part of me found sad too. I wonder if my years of singledom have truly been seen as my desire to remain single, that in essence I have cloistered myself willingly, when it has been more a case of nothing coming to fruition, and rightfully so in hindsight. I can't say that I haven't considered and or even attempted but when push came to the real shove of calling anything official I would always rationalize myself out of it - Darrell, Andrew Joel and now Three - some vastly more "appropriate" choices than others but in the end, none really embodied it.

Regardless, I can't say that I'm not sad right now, my father's words irony and perceived truth make the current situation uncomfortable - while single life suits me fine and I am happy to oblige you readers with posts about my legs or whatever else you want to know, a part of me does wonder how the world has viewed my singledom - if they too share my father's opinion that I just haven't given it a good try, won that inch - as my brother loves to say or whathaveyou... but really what are my opinions? We've ruled online formats a smashing failure, what's next bars? Oh, yes I would suit that environment fabulously...


Shawn said...

Well, when all has been a failure for me and I found myself asking "what's next," I came to the conclusion that my only real viable option was trusting in God. That is my only "what's next." I cannot answer for you, I ignore the questions from the parents quite easily and they do not affect me.

I have an amazing group of friends who are like family who never ask me "so Shawn when are you going to get married?" I suppose that it is different in the environment you are in, so good luck with that one, but I bet God knows the answer. I bet being totally in love with Him first just might be the most sustainable option and letting Him fill in the cracks to what is next.

cheryl said...

i think the secular world doesn't have anything remotely scolding to say about being single past 25. in fact, they embrace it. think sex in the city (sans all the sex, they are testament to the fact that even women in their thirties are far from marriage). remember, it's only the christians that get married pre-21. to everyone else that is completely ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

Be patient, the man of your dreams is out there. He may be around you and you don't even know it yet. I think your trying too hard. Sit back and it will come.

Jenn said...

Anonymous you are likely right - as to him being around me and I don't know it - do you know him? If you do could you give him a little caffeine and steer him my way... just kidding I have been enjoying my free nights and weekends - spending time in the kitchen, around this beautiful city, with friends and family and finding my love for reading and writing again.

Therrien said...

My 2 cents, for what they are worth, which is 3 cents in my own mind, is that no, you haven't really given it much of a go.

Stopping before you even really start is not giving something a chance. Your already stated desire to not get involved with someone you can't see yourself marrying is really what I would perceive as the main problem, becasue that puts way to much pressure on the other person to be something to you immediately, instead of growing into that relationship over time.

That being said, I don't disagree with the results of the 4 people you named specifically. I think it is more a case of opening yourself up to the possibilities of some of those people that you might write off because they don't meet that list you carry around with know, the one that isnt really a list, but is, but isnt, but is, but ya, you know.

As for being single at 25, who cares, age means nothing except in the realm of raising kids. I think it is more a case of desire. Nothing wrong with being 45 and single if you are happy, but anytime you are any age and not happy, with anything, not just relationship status, that is the sign that something needs to change, either your approach to what you are doing, or your expectations.

Remember, happiness is a state of mind.

And I can't beleive that people still throw out that 'Trust in God' cop-out as a solution. Trusting in God is not an action, it's a state of mind. We are supposed to go out and do things and trust in God while we are doing them that they will turn out. Not just sit on our asses and trust that something will happen. Apologies if you meant what I said, but it sounded like the proverbial christian cop-out of trust in god and he will do something for you, which I think leads to alot of people waiting for things to happen instead of going out and doing them.

Being patient also doesn't get you anywhere if your idea of being patient is doing nothing and just assuming something will show up.

Jenn said...

Growing into a relationship is the ideal format and I've realized that the online format doesn't work for me in that sense - and yes I could take another go at it focusing on the local area but really at this time I'm not prepared to do that.

As to opening myself up to someone - while I have a list in some respects - quite simply at this point in time is a Christian who respects veganism, pacifism and is social justice minded/aware - yes I do realize it limits. As to Three I used my intuition and was cautious because I was flying to another city to meet someone I had no social framework for - and when he started to turn into someone I would never talk to here - someone honestly who did at times scare me I realized my personal safety was more important than others perceptions that I was being closed hearted again.

As to the people that I didn't pursue something with - three of them have found vastly more suitable partners and I am happy for them - I would like to think that while there is an element of growing into someone there is also an element of common sense that says what is best for me and in the end best for this other person.

As to sitting back and waiting for the person - I don't necessarily agree with the statement but I choose to look at it this way - I have this time on my own and with my friends to grow as a person and through that process of meeting new people etc I will likely change and what I'm looking for may change as well as the people I am around and through that process something may come out of it - am I "actively" looking, no and I passive, no because I don't think life works that way.

Therrien said...

Just to clarify, since I don't know if my comment made any sense.

I agree with your decisions on the 4 people you named. While I was impressed that you were willing to do it, I was not surprised that it didn't work out with Mr Numbers.

What I have realized in my life is that before you can be in a relationship that has any hope of being positive, is that you need to know who you are first. Before you can stand and prop someone up, you need to be a whole and complete person, not needing anyone, but rather wanting someone else.

My issue with the whole being patient, trust in god view is that most people take those views with a passive mentality. You should be patient, and you should trust God, but that doesn't mean that it is just going to happen (I know you know this, talking to the other people). To find someone you need to be set up in a way that it is possible to find someone (not saying that you are not, I think you are a significantly different person then you were a couple of years ago) and that takes work.

Anonymous said...

Myself, and pretty much every girl I know, went through or is still going through a similar situation. You start talking to a guy, things are going great, and then something changes. Suddenly he's asking more questions about the future, wanting to hold hands during movies. And we run. We find something that's wrong with him (like not fitting some requirement on the lists that we ALL have) and take off in the other direction.

When you are ready, and you will get there eventually, you'll stop looking so much at what he's missing and look more at what's great about him. In the end, some of the guys that just didn't fit my ideals were better than a few of the ones I actually dated later on. It was just bad timing.

Basically I just want you to know you're not alone in these feelings. Being ready for a relationship is a choice that you have to make when it's right for you, and eventually it will happen. I'm not saying waiting doesn't suck at times, I know it does. But I've seen the alternative, I have friends that have pushed things and ended up stuck in unhappy relationships. Personally, I'll take those few extra nights with Ben & Jerry and a few episodes of Sex and the City. We are lucky to live in a time where age really isn't a factor, even with raising kids. There's plenty of time, do what feels right for you.

Jenn said...

Thanks Anonymous

Ryan said...

Aren't dad's suppose to be overly protective to the point of not letting you date?

Yes, if I ever marry and am lucky enough to have a daughter she will not be allowed to date any boy until she's 30. ;o)

(Ah, now I get the legs joke. lol)