Love

It's a funny thing - I could say I love sour cherries, eating them semi frozen as my mom and I would sit around a large bowl and pit them for tart filings, but that's not quite the same love as "I Love You," and even that is an odd statement - I love Sheldon, Max and Leaha but none of them in the same way of course. That kind of love I understand, the kind of romantic love that I am supposedly searching for - honestly I haven't got the foggiest idea of the start and end to that definition. In that I'm always so cognisant that the concepts/ideas we develop about romantic love are distorted. I was thinking about Atonement this morning, in using the concept of the unreliable narrator/ways of seeing/whatever other literary device you want to pick, the author and director ultimately highlight the distorted notions of romantic love we hold on to. And yet I still can't say that I don't desire the relationship that Cecilia and Robbie had - the devoted nature and hope for something life long. And maybe that is where the lines between reality and fiction begin to blur, this concept that there can be something at great, something that sustains people apart from one another through the years and thus I wait. I've said to N before at work, it's my life don't I get a say, can't I be picky - it's going to be my life partner in theory right? Apparently to some (aka Three) my pickyness is my own fault - a random decision I make on a whim because gosh darn it I love to waste money, time and emotional energy on people. Not quite, however, I do like to ensure the people I devote my time and emotional energy to have their walk, talk/type and heart all going in the same direction and not in various different ones all leading to self gratification at the expense of others - those people, like Three, while possibly nice are not the kinds you have relationships with. Maybe I am a little frosty to some, but I know I can't be reckless with it: love, life and my heart - any of those would break me - I do however chose to let myself be open to it enough to bruise, scab and even scar and then move on.

So love... I love it. I love the idea of being devoted to someone, of being devoted beyond the levels I am to my friends, family and even Max - but it's going to take changes in my life, my season to open that opportunity up for me.