Monday, April 21, 2008

Why, oh why do I think like that...

Jocelyn and I had our pseudo-weekly say everything you can say in an hour session before the Starbucks closes. Jocelyn is dealing with the ghost of medical school, a slightly ominous form that seems to follow around intelligent, socially conscious and slightly deranged individuals. It's a ghost/demon or whatever your relationship with it has determined it to be in your mind. For me it was like the bad relationship ex, named MS. When you're in the middle of it, you know it's not what you want, you know that for certain, it's messy, it's painful and it takes so much more work then it should. So you garner the courage to leave, to try and define yourself apart from it, you deal with all the well meaning friends and family asking how MS is, and then one day, normally after a long arduous season, you start to think about MS, how nice it was to have them in your life and then you start pursuing it again.

For me it took pursuing MS again in 2005-2006 to realize that all "he" did was ___ up my life (just like someone else but well that's another blog) - it was time to burn everything in sight (did that for the someone it was great) and pick myself up and say over and over - MS does not define me, it does not mean I failed, and it does not mean that I cannot make the difference I want to see in this world.

I said to Jocelyn last night, that's your ex to deal with, I will not be the nagging girlfriend telling you you're better without MS, because you know what? Regret is a greater ex to deal with and I don't think you need two ex's following you around.

But just before we left I said you know the hardest thing I found with the whole MS thing is it's jealous, there is no room for anything else - you are forced to put everything else aside and since the idea of doing that for 3 years for myself right now is causing me frustration - I can't imagine doing it for 4-5 years. Why is it that it feels like we both are at a point where you start to hear yourself say while my bed is lonely and cold at times, but I would rather not have to factor someone else in right now. In that I don't want to worry about whether we can move to Costa Rice for UNPeace, or if we can move to an area of conflict so I can write, research and report... or maybe just the general feeling that I had last night in service - I have no idea where my life is headed and I know it needs to be just me on this journey for the next while.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/xeeliz/97220837/

7 comments:

Shawn said...

It is hard not worrying about tomorrow isn't it?

Anonymous said...

You know, Jenn, you don't have to be a doctor to be a healer.

http://benneer.livejournal.com

Shawn said...

Yeah...You can get your own T.V. show and everything and you can call yourself Jenny Henn.

cheryl said...

ew. she won't take well to being called jenny....

Jenn said...

Darn right Cheryl - sorry Shawn but that won't be accepted.

And on a serious note yes Eric I agree - that is what I came to realize

jocelyn said...

Not so much the worrying - the curiosity, the wondering what next step to take. I'm in the enviable position that I have more than one amazing option - Doors number 2 and 3 are awesome and amazing careers to follow that I'd be happy with.

And it has to be Jenny Hinn. Because "Jen" doesn't rhyme with "Benny". I'm with ya shawn.

jocelyn said...

oops - and I have to speak up for myself that this is my 2nd go-round with medical school - It was a dream that God very definitely said NO to back after my 2nd year of school (coincident with my repeated C- in chemistry), and told me in no uncertain terms that I was to make no plans... Through that I found a whole other world of health-related stuff that fascinated and inspired me. I wouldn't change the process at all... but it's interesting that it's come up again for me. I'll follow it as far as it goes, with a happy heart that whatever way it turns out, it'll be okay.