Monday, October 27, 2008

This is where it get's difficult isn't it?

I've been struggling the last few days, maybe even this last week and I can't figure out quite why. I would love to blame it on the Jason Mraz song last posted, but it's more complicated then that. See here's the deal, I have emotions again, specially those girly, relationship, Sex in the City watching emotions, and yet I don't. Sure I smiled at the end of the last Grey's episode - it's back to the way I loved it. See the thing is I'm not different really then I was last year though. I've just managed to get the additional baggage sort of removed, or maybe I just washed it and resorted it. Whatever happened I know it's not fixed, I know that if I'm honest, the fears are still there, the anxiety is still there, the damage is still there and all we've done so far is clean the wound. We are still fishing in the gaping wound for whatever else is left in there, there isn't even any healing. I also know full well that no relationship with heal that wound. Yes that's right folks. So maybe that's why I find TB unnerving, because his presence indicates to me that the radar, though staticky, is working. I would love to turn it off, to turn off all the complicated and superficial hormonal based emotions and find my way through all this with out the horrible unnecessities. TB isn't even someone who would have been on the radar and I find that frustrating too, someone I almost feel is imposing themselves on me in a distraction kind of way. In a way that I feel like saying I know how to get around all the others, I know how to leave here and turn the radar off, but in here I can't, I have to be vulnerable to the process, to all the emotions, so please just go away.

Night, I've spun myself in a circle with this one, and all I want to do is bask in the beauty of Karev and Izzy...

No comments: