The End

I've put the comments on moderation and eliminated the Anonymous option, but I know that it's not worth the fear and the anger when I receive the comments I have received. So to prevent the attempts at hindering my progress and God's work in my self discovery I am leaving these blogs - this one and All That I've Left Behind to be absorbed by the Internet graveyard of abandoned blogs... As to future blogging we'll see.

To All of You Who have offered support and reassured me that we have to make those difficult decisions in life sometimes to ensure we're where God wants us - Thank you. For the rest take care, and I hope you find peace and freedom in this life.

Oops

There is a grande sized oops marked over the beginning of this year. I dropped my life line, my precious, my baby - and it doesn't work. So on that note it's being fixed, and I don't have a computer or anything at home - other then the wonders of talk radio and the stack of to be read books which I am plowing through - you think you're busy until they take away your time waster extraordinaire and then you start reading a book a day and still sleeping 10 hours a day - of course I wasn't working, but still you get the point.

So don't call, I'm reading, don't email I won't get it, and don't talk to me my writer fingers are so angry at not being able to type, weird and wonderful literary thoughts are going to any minute start shooting from my mouth.

The other oops, possibly greater then the dropping of the laptop is I talked to my mom for the first time since I told her I wouldn't until she could respect the boundaries. So I for one wasn't ready, I wasn't ready to deal with what I knew was coming and I knew somewhere in me the boundaries, the spaces she breached thousands of times before would be breached again. They were, and so it was me crying in a Starbucks, literally choking the hurt, the rage and the pain down - so much so I've been sick over it all. I guess I can find some kind of solace in knowing it was going to be ugly regardless and maybe it would get her into a head space that realized things were different for us kids. That was the hardest part of this journey - we're in the same group therapy - we don't socialize/interact with each other - and she's walked away from the sessions so far with a completely different perspective. I would write about it, but it's not fair to take that away from my therapist, she needs my money with this recession and all... that and it takes it away from my writing.

So here we are stumbling as always and yet I have this to gain some solace from:

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft." Anne Lamott - Bird by Bird

PS. Books to avoid - Blindness - not worthy of the Nobel Prize, way to overly simplistic in it's social critique and Half a Life.

Book to Read: Economy of Salvation was a very interesting read - worth picking up used

Book to Buy: Bird by Bird - especially for the inspired writers.

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Happy New Year!!!

Well it's been quite the year and I for one am not sure if I am going to say I'm happy to see it gone - more so I'm happy to see what has been accomplished.

Here is a musical memory from this year's concerts:

I Heart the Bangles

Yes I know I'm not technically a child of the 80's, I mean I was born in that decade, but most if not all of it passed me by with little to no impact, minus the leg warmers, Popples, Cabbage Patch Dolls and Care Bears. I didn't get to enjoy the fashions, or more importantly the music.

I love the Bangles - primarily for their gift of Manic Monday, because well I believe it sums up every feeling I've had over the last two days which have included:

1. A bus driver unaware of the stops - got dropped off 3 blocks after I yelled at him for not only missing my stop but the one after it - now I'm not one to get cranky at the bus drivers - but at 6:30am and when it's raining outside, I don't appreciate being forced to walked that distance, especially over all this snow and ice.

2. Snow, slush, ice and every uncleaned sidewalk - just because it's raining doesn't mean those 2 feet of snow are going to disappear overnight, especially when you shoved the snow off your car and onto the sewer drain.

3. Fashion issues - I left my skirt at home yesterday - forcing me to go home to get it ( I worked out first), and today popped a huge hole in my new tights - thank goodness I had a backup pair

4. Computers - our server replacement is still haunting me - amongst everything else that could go wrong with every electronic device in the office - like for example our APC UPS - it's a backup/power bar is being overloaded by the new server and the terminal server - so I have high pitched continuous "beep" - thankfully I have ear phones and 80's music.

5. Crazy a$$ed dreams - spiders galore - all different kinds and the rats they killed and laced together like a garlic rope - don't ask - that's the only relatively normal one - and I would like someone to explain why I didn't wake up screaming considering my SERIOUS arachnophobia.

6. Pimple - Okay this may sound vain, but I don't get them, I have horrible dry skin and all that else where -but my face is relatively normal - not right now...

7. Ouch, that's what I thought when I got out of bed this morning - I did walking lunges yesterday with a 10lbs plate - (lunge and twist) works - everything... too well.

I'm posting the video -it saves me finding a picture of me banging my head against my desk. At least I have New Years plans.

Fresh Tears

I am trying to take advantage of next two days of pure holiday - that is for me spending as much time as humanly possible in bed, sleeping, reading or more often than not on my computer watching movies. I just completed Sex and the City's movie version. I was addicted to the show when it was on HBO/Bravo and eventually TBS - I used to wait up late on Saturdays to watch it. The writing and the characters do have so many real life qualities, foibles, weakness, addictions and so on that it does mirror, reiterate and reassure me so often. I know finding TV as a place of reassurance... for me it's the place where they are as honest as my friends would be, if they had great writers articulating their thoughts into movie lines.

The movie had so many moments of real life resemblance to this last year - so much so that well I cried - I cried throughout the whole thing - in bits and spurts - it made me realize seeing Carrie go through similar emotions that I did about the amazing support I had and have. The friends who held me fast to life when all I wanted to do was let go, to never feel again, to never hope again, to never do anything but labor on through until God was merciful enough to take me away. I don't know how to thank any of you to the depth of which you are owed - to thank you for loving me, for putting up with me, for feeding me, for holding me, for pushing me, for letting me be, for every little and big step you were there for and still are there for. For all those times when in your wordlessness, when my pain and grief took your words away, that you still showed compassion, grace and love to a wreck of a life. You made me human again - you gave me back my pain, my tears, my joy, my love, my hope and my future. I don't know how to thank you other then for you - and you know who you are - to know you changed this life. These tears are for you - and it's a good thing. Life's a good thing and so is love. Maybe that's why PC's here - to remind me we do get our happily ever after in some way, shape or form - with or without PC - love is all around us.

In honor of the first group of ladies to hold my hand through loves first deep losses:

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Write

As I laid down last night, the story started to unfold. I remained in bed and I lost it. I remained because there is this paranoia I have that if I get up it's going to leave anyways. I think honestly I am going to do vastly better if I just get a Dictaphone and start rambling to myself at 11pm.

So tonight when faced with 3 hours of free time on my hands and a city completely horrible to travel in - I managed to dig myself back into my house after two days of being gone - with the help of my dad - I decided to write. I started to try and dig out the stories, the original stories of K and the feelings that started all this. Because the thing was he was not it, he was a fixture, but there were dozens of other all consuming, life enthralling crushes - secret and public before, during and after him and none, not a single one was him. Maybe he was just too old, maybe he was just too untouchable - he was after all the significantly older brother of a girl I was just barely remaining friends with. She was skyrocketing up the social order and I was not so keen to do so, seeing what it required of her.

Two paragraphs:

"I remember passing the Sunday pot roast staring past him at the velvet striped wallpaper, trying to figure out what it was that was different about him than J, the boy that was currently occupying just about every girl to girl confidential discussion and plan. I wanted to kiss J. I wanted to find a way to steal him away from the Grade 5 harlot, and capture his rugged heart. I didn’t want K anymore then I wanted the water chestnuts in the mayonnaise, pea and iceberg lettuce layered salad, but somehow I was supposed to, I just could not understand why. Not yet. I remember being captivated by a feeling far deeper then all the excitement my Grade 4, Barbie doll playing heart could understand. Maybe that was because I was still of the belief a kiss could change my world forever, that a kiss would transform me. Who cared if I kissed a frog? Who cared if he was ever going to be a prince? He sure wasn’t going to be at this age, and I would be lucky if he didn’t publicly embarrass me after the kiss. I believed, I absorbed, I consumed the notion that a kiss would make me a woman or at least a teenager, maybe make me beautiful, maybe even make K look at me other then is baby sister’s awkward Sunday lunch tagalong friend. Every chance I could I would be there at the large round table with the assortment of adults and teens and C and me."

"C eventually altogether ditched me, and as much as I wanted our mothers to hold us together, my mother’s friendship held me to a girl who believed that kisses were an unnecessary part of life. A girl for whom the finesse of boy corralling and coercion had never been learned, just like she had never learned that tying your bathing suit straps together with a hair elastic was social suicide for us cuspers." So my chance at getting to K through C was forever lost, lost like innocence we thought we still had. "

Yes, this does reflect real life for me, with child perceived, memory solidified indulgence, but if C, K or even bathing suit massacring S were to read this they would see themselves, through my eyes of course. I would add some kind of post-amble about if this is you and you take offense comment, but hey I know C and S don't read and if K did well I would be surprised and concerned given the fact that well nothing has been said about it.

PS - I've found our PC related theme song - check her out, it's been on here before, but well I was listening to her again and it fits.

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Will It Never Stop!!!

Oh Bloody Hell (I know I know - one of the things on the resolution list - tone down the unladylike language), it just keeps coming and coming and coming - I managed to get to Donald's relatively fine as the snow was not blowing in my face and it was mostly downhill - getting home made me regret not waiting in Donald's buying more food I didn't really need just so my dad could take me home.

(Leaha if you care to know the steps in the back don't exist (as of one hour ago) - that's how much snow there was today alone)

On another note, it's been brought to my attention that the whole PC is apparently too direct/specific. I've been thinking about it - had lots of time in the aforementioned snow to try and compose this blog.

Yes PC was a flesh and blood person, I mean don't mean that he does not currently live, as far as I am aware he is alive. I mean that in the sense that while a discussion around him with a fellow single started a literary adventure. This person has a similar person in her life - it's not a person who her life is surrounded around it is rather as stated before a measurement for everyone else. The why and who and all that is what we are doing here - we were both, and others after her faced with the fact that we all had this kind of person in our psyche - they haven't left through years and years of change and the consensus was why, why the hell is this ghost, this fantasy, (regardless of the fact that it is associated with a flesh and blood person) hanging around in my brain and popping up whenever I think I'm ready, or in my case starting to talk about the day I'll be ready, to start dating.

Do I like PC's real alter ego (if that makes sense) who knows - don't really know him, none of us know ours and that is in part why they can hold that position - Leah is starting to know hers and it's been a bit of a shock, I'm sure the same could be for all of us. I do not have visions of even talking with this person - as we've already noted it would be disastrous. But I do wish to get to a day where he's not It and there is no other It person - real or imaginary of any form in his place.

And of course if it needs to be further stated as mentioned before he's not the only literary character to take up residence in my brain - they are all floating around these days thankfully as they weave themselves into a book of some form.

So there you have it - PC originated with a live flesh and blood person, a person who may or may not read this, but he is not the PC discussed here - which I hope comes across more as a mutual person - the same PC in the end for all female or male readers who identify.

Now back to your regularly scheduled holiday message:

Photos - if you don't believe me about the snow - of course they aren't mine - no camera

SNOW DAY!!!!

I've called it a snow day, no transiting, none of it - it is the day where I don't get to do everything I wanted to do or need to do and yet am okay with it - I mean have you seen it out there? Skytrain is half off, WestCoast Express is off and the Trolly buses yesterday were not working because of the cold - which resulted in a nice long walk to the station - at least he made it half way up Renfrew. So I called in a snow day to me - yes I have a nice boss... to bad that set up doesn't provide a nice cash bonus.

I had planned to go to the gym, then to Donalds and then clean the house. So since I'm not getting stuck waiting for a bus, or getting to a closed gym or any other scenario, I'm going to stay inside while the projected additional 20cm falls... Goodness, there are snow banks in front of the house that are thigh/waist deep. While I realize that I am short, that's still deep, especially for the City of Vancouver. I will likely fight my way to Donalds - since I can walk both ways and would like to have the house a little more stocked - the fridge is getting empty.

Merry Christmas to you and yours and Here's to hunting out the Mistletoe and then hiding from it or getting all the hugs or kisses you can get out of it.

Exhale

I loved the soundtrack for this movie - I begged for it - mostly for this song, and I've been dancing in the dark and of course singing along tonight, while the snow falls again... tomorrow is the beginning of a short break - back to work on Monday - no rest for the junior boss when the first thing out of everyone's mouth's these days is boy you're really young to be a boss - yes, I have officially ventured into the territory of a standard movie plot like In Good Company... anyways, back to the dancing.

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Ack!!

Compulsion is my biggest enemy - I can either jump and think about it later or do the opposite, think and never jump. Well I jumped today with no thought of the action - I emailed PC and offered a ticket to the game tonight. He has not contacted me - it was a safe bet, it was a rash moment and yet it was calculated - I know he's not a myspacer - so 96% chance he would not read it and the 4% was left to would not call category but I can feel brave about my pseudo act - that I knew I was not going to be staring at a phone all afternoon. Smart eh? Well the down side is I'm still dateless/companyless.

So what now, eh? Go alone? That's such a waste of a ticket - come on people.