Fresh Tears

I am trying to take advantage of next two days of pure holiday - that is for me spending as much time as humanly possible in bed, sleeping, reading or more often than not on my computer watching movies. I just completed Sex and the City's movie version. I was addicted to the show when it was on HBO/Bravo and eventually TBS - I used to wait up late on Saturdays to watch it. The writing and the characters do have so many real life qualities, foibles, weakness, addictions and so on that it does mirror, reiterate and reassure me so often. I know finding TV as a place of reassurance... for me it's the place where they are as honest as my friends would be, if they had great writers articulating their thoughts into movie lines.

The movie had so many moments of real life resemblance to this last year - so much so that well I cried - I cried throughout the whole thing - in bits and spurts - it made me realize seeing Carrie go through similar emotions that I did about the amazing support I had and have. The friends who held me fast to life when all I wanted to do was let go, to never feel again, to never hope again, to never do anything but labor on through until God was merciful enough to take me away. I don't know how to thank any of you to the depth of which you are owed - to thank you for loving me, for putting up with me, for feeding me, for holding me, for pushing me, for letting me be, for every little and big step you were there for and still are there for. For all those times when in your wordlessness, when my pain and grief took your words away, that you still showed compassion, grace and love to a wreck of a life. You made me human again - you gave me back my pain, my tears, my joy, my love, my hope and my future. I don't know how to thank you other then for you - and you know who you are - to know you changed this life. These tears are for you - and it's a good thing. Life's a good thing and so is love. Maybe that's why PC's here - to remind me we do get our happily ever after in some way, shape or form - with or without PC - love is all around us.

In honor of the first group of ladies to hold my hand through loves first deep losses:

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The Dethroning

I've been tossing and turning for the last hour - partly because there has been a blog rolling around in my head and my Internet was not working and partly because I had a nap late this afternoon - I had to - well I had to do that or have a strong drink and since my stomach was a little churny I opted for the nap. Why the decision - I shopped at Walmart today... Wait! I can explain - I had to, seriously - I have spent the last week and a bit searching desperately for cellophane to wrap my boss' gift in and I could not find it - and well I found where it's been hiding. Walmart. Gah, I should have stocked up while I was there but I couldn't stomach it.

I am officially a stalker with a non stalker purpose if you can call it that. Christmas Presence is on Sunday and I know that PC will be playing the drums for one of the artists. I knew that long ago so when I was offered a ticket and a chance to not attend alone I jumped at the opportunity. Not so that I could gaze longingly, but rather so I could once and for all give myself the gift of a PC vacated throne. I want to know, to see that me now can do that - can look and objectively walk away or walk towards - more effective and say Merry Christmas and casually walk away.

This is how I see it and this is how I feel it will go down. If I have the nerve and or opportunity to walk haltingly towards PC, I will likely groan/mutter/crackle out a Merry Christmas and then stand there getting increasingly red while he stands perplexed at my embarrassed/stressed demeanor, asks the standard familial questions - which this year I get the added complexity of dancing around, before trying to desperately make my exit before my mouth goes completely dry and my palms start to drip. Horror of all horrors he will be a current reader of this blog and that will enter the conversation at which time, I will likely start bursting capillaries in my face from the flushing of my complexion and attempt to make a graceful yet hasty exit.

Fairy tales however dictate that the following will happen. I will have the nerve to walk with a sexy yet demure strut towards PC, I will strike up a conversation with composure and grace or make a polite ass of myself - the later actually is better for the sake of the story and make a hasty exit to the snow covered parking lot (a guarantee right now) in an attempt to flee said situation only to be followed by PC expressing his long held secret love.

I must confess I was almost gaging during the typing of the last situation - though I have to say in true perfectly me fashion I believe it would be the first situation with the last line of the last situation - crimson face, stomach turning, mumbling embarrassment coupled with redemption - if only.

But at the end of the day all I hope to accomplish is no fall, no stumbling and an empty throne - my Christmas gift to my relationship/emotional health and sanity - but it's all too much isn't it? Maybe I should have opted for a manicure gift certificate instead.

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Prince Charming

I have a Prince Charming, sort of. He's the pinnacle, the reigning prince of perfect, he's the one every man out there on a white horse or vintage 10 speed is competing with whether he knows it or not.

He's my Mennonite, talented musician, Rook playing, active, world traveled, adventurous, gentle, fun loving man. And he's not mine, nor does he even know me to be honest. I doubt Arielle really knew the Prince. She knew enough to somehow want him, to believe he was better then the Mermen of the Sea with their rippling chests and shiny scaled tails. So sure they were equal on the chests front, but were lungs and legs enough to sway her heart? I guess so. Apparently his talent with the Rook and drums is enough to give this girl's heart over.

I'm not sure when he took control of the spot, or maybe it has always been his, which would not surprise me, I knew him before I liked boys. Which would mean he took up residence before I knew of his mad organ playing skills or his bike ride across Canada. He functions like Carrie's Mr. Big, unattainable, unavailable and yet the attachment was unbreakable. I would love to dethrone this one, but I am unsure of how, of how to have him abdicate his throne for another, a real and non-mystical love for all time.

In the interim, I feel like Sleeping Beauty, paralyzed, in this limbo of waiting. However mine of course is more metaphorical, and is in some way of my own choosing, and is in my hands to control, sort of. There is still his tether to the floral platform of blissful bondage. My waiting is not like hers, my life is still going on, I'm aging - she did not apparently or she waited a really short time. I'm getting to experience emotions and life and all those twist the tether and chafe me, but here I am trying to start my own emotional and intellectual coup, an internal act of treason just so I can move on to another and start the process all over again.



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Things That Make You Go...

Grrr - that so did not work.

My therapist spent the last part of the time today discussing my body language towards men, and how I can accept it and yet not - in other words how to ignore the lookey loos etc and let that cute barista boy looking my way know that if I like my latte he's cool in my books. Well apparently I mixed up the instructions or the first one was a dud regardless, because for the first time in 6 months of being on transit for 2+ hours a day I got a clingy drug using/illegal job/poor hint taker for a seat buddy. Gawd boy take a hint. Anyways I am off to try my f*off world body posture again tomorrow, or not, hopefully not, seriously.

So on to the other thing she's making/urging/being paid to advise me on - men. Yeppers, men. I get to talk about them all the time now - supposedly this is the time I'm suppose to talk about them, you sure? Apparently she is and now is the best time for me to figure out who I am and what I want when I've got no worries about a single external issue effecting those two. Huh... well she's the professional right, and I'm really only a professional at singledom.

So first things first - the easier one... a list of characteristics I'm looking for. That's easy right? Not really see the list isn't like one of those where I write down that my fantasy guy would run a bubble bath in a freshly bleached tub and while I'm in, he'd there scrub my floors. It's suppose to be about those things that make my grandparents my relationship template - what do they have for each other... more work for me. I know one thing he needs to have innately after today's session, the ability to turn me into a bumbling, tummy turning, dry mouth idiot for the first part - that can't really continue - I mean the bumbling will, but the other two while an awesome diet plan aren't good long term symptoms... apparently I can have that all.


Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/lyndsayhphoto/2184456914/

Hard Wired or Not?

I guess if you poke around in there long enough, you've got to start cleaning stuff out, now don't you? If that's the case, things are going to get interesting in the next few weeks. The time apparently has come to start rewiring my brain, sweet! Can we start with the part programmed to crave SBucks all the time? That may come, just not right now, instead she wants to start with things no polite girl would talk about...

The fact that I'm self conscious about this is socially funny given that I was one of the first generations to be fully indoctrinated into the world of free sexuality post 70's. Sex-Ed classes, 90201 and etc, though granted none of that was like current TV or celebrities or the overall culture. For example this posting comes on day after Zack and Miri make an "adult themed" film, widely accepted as normal by our culture. The thing is it's not normal to me, I get flustered watching that Rembrandt ad - and I am not posting it again, it has been up on here twice. The thing is I wonder if anyone else has consciously tried to sort out some their issues about that s word. I have two weeks to articulate all that I think it should be and want it to be because that's a simple task. So let's start from side of what I know it is not. It is not Blair and Chuck in the backseat of his limo or wherever else it's happened... it's not Pacey and Joey nor is it Felicity and Noel. It also isn't violent, it isn't violating. It's something else altogether. Just what I'm not sure, and since I'm unprepared to take the social opinion of keep trying it out until you think you've got the answer these two weeks will be thankfully uneventful. The religious opinion still seems to be we just don't talk about those things. I know Rob Bell wrote Sex God - which is not related to the title really, and there have been a miriad of marriage related books on the subject, but no one really talks about it. Rather we are suppose to have this fear/repulsion like relationship with it until we are married and then rewire that. See the thing is, just like I was as my therapist says fired wrong, thus wired to have the response I do, we have a cultural epidemic of similar proportions - and I'm not immune to it unfortunately.

Maybe I'm faltering because I am also realizing my habitual relationship need is a cover up for the genuine emotional needs in my life that a relationship will not fill, doesn't mean I don't feel like one would be nice... I think I had begun to process that before when I posted a few back about being all emotional, just was not fully aware until this past Tuesday. Broken thought processes all around and I've got to fish out of there and all the images around me what I think things should be... because that's so easy. At least the positive part of all the annoyance is I get to rewire myself and looking around me I see that there are a lot of people who would love to do the same, they just are unaware or do not desire all the messiness you've got to go through to get there.

Wish Me Luck, this journey is interesting to say the least, that said I need a drink - Sbucks anyone?



Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/alexdavies/360657740/

Silence

As of late I've repeatedly heard: "What's wrong with you," "Where'd you go," "Where did this all come from" and "Are you sure you're not settling."

Well first of all the silence has come for many reasons - I've been forced by my body on a few occasions as of late to be asleep by 7:30pm, plain and simple I'm tired - I'm learning more or less on my own how to: book surgeries, maintain waitlists, run an office - ie. keep everyone happy, fire staff, hire staff (yes already to both of those), Quickbooks, payroll, write cheques - all while screening patients on the days I'm in the office with my boss and trying not to go crazy. The new job alone is enough to keep me away from a computer and bordering on insanity most days. It's slowly getting better but not anytime in the immediate future will it be where I need it to be, to feel like I know what I'm doing.

The second reason for the silence is as my mother put it in an email to Shawn yesterday - "In other words she was pondering the wonder of it but couldn't bring herself to speak about it for fear that it would disappear as the morning dew (my mom's words). Now, when she speaks her words are there and she is letting everyone know (who cares to listen) how wonderful, unique and special person you are." I know I internalize - a deliberately silent processor of life - for me it ensures that my decisions are my decisions - that I'm not swayed by public consensus - it is my life after all and I've only got myself to hold accountable for my decisions. Once a decision is made if I desire input, a sounding board then sure I'll seek it out. Right now I am making decisions for myself. I understand there are those who say I'm not the way I was, that I'm being selfish, that I'm putting myself before others. That may be the case, but those others aren't in my body and they aren't in my brain. When I need sleep, I need sleep and when I need a day to myself to process life and decompress after a more or less whirlwind 3 weeks, then I get, it's my choice.
As to the initial questions – I went to Florida – and now I’m back… if you can’t find me now I’m either in Vancouver or Surrey mumbling to myself about how much I love this new job…. This all came from a relationship that started back in October and has grown – I realize that most of you aren’t aware that we’ve talked in some form – MSN or phone almost everyday since that time – minus the odd time out. As to settling – I believe those before Shawn would have been settling – this no way – I have found someone who is beyond what I could have imagined (like working in the same field and having a B last name) – someone who understands all of this and supports it, as well as loving me and I feel so incredibly blessed to have him and the community that surrounds him in my life.

A Moment in Time

Leaha suggested that I blog somewhat of a before and after for my emotions. The thing is I don't know if I am able to convey my emotions all that well at the moment - my actions maybe would be better:

1. Half eaten, laboured through bowl of shredded wheat, strawberries and soy milk
2. 3 items already found that should have been packed
3. A spider left to live due to my emotional apathy towards it
4. A sink of dishes my OCD is unable to compel me to do
5. Unmade bed at the moment, though not that messy
6. Silence - no music seems to capture what I am feeling - it's a lot of I think I'll listen to that and then changing my mind...

Basically I'm an emotional mess, a collection of colliding atoms: excitement, stress, fatigue, fear (flying) and anticipation of the unknown or known and all I want right now is that cinnamon bun I have hiding in the back of the freezer, a large cup of Starbucks coffee to go along with Edwina Hayes

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/wnn/1284378391/

3 Cookies later

I still have a tummy ache, or more so I've got a combined sugar rush and anxious stomach cramp. Can't say though I would have avoided the chocolate though, and really I was just doing my roommate duty and providing my LeeLee with sugar, chocolate and in addition I provided her with a variety of musical options for her driving cd. However, one has started an issue here - Griffin House's Rembrandt ad/song - now for those of you who haven't seen it and may be remotely sentimental at this moment or anything along those lines don't play it - you have been warned, also while we are at it don't listen to John Mayer's "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room." Why the odd music selection? Leaha asked about the name of the John Mayer song I posted a while back and now we are listening to the live version at Webster Hall - while Leaha swears she'll never survive another breakup, and I say who cares about the lyrics - while they are great, the song surprisingly makes me want to dance. Yes, I am a Mennonite girl, but deep down I think we (Menno girls) have some kind of rhythm or something along those lines. And the Rembrandt song? Well I found Griffin House's MySpace page a long time ago and had it bookmarked and offered it to Leaha. But being relatively sane the music must end or I will go completely emotionally sideways in ways I would rather not consider. I'm off to let some hot water clear my brain and hopefully aid in a good night's sleep.

Whatever Happened to the Mixtape?

Granted there are no more tapes - or they're really hard to come by, so I could say mix cd - doesn't have the same ring to it though. I was thinking about in while getting on to the Skytrain - why don't we give them anymore - I would love to get one - *HINT* - realistically our memories are tied most strongly to smell, and if I can't smell you then the next best thing is to hear you - tie a memory to a song or more then one song, so I can gush when I hear it - or heaven forbid - curse it at some point in time.

So on that note what would be on yours? I know Keith Urban would be on ours (mine and Leaha's but since he's now banded for being the source of endless gushing) - now I know there are plenty of country haters out there and you are privileged to that because you know as well as I do that there is plenty of other awesome material out there - so what would you put on?

On the mix tape you make for me make sure there is:

the Fray - Look After You - the Live addition which includes the following



Serena Ryder's - Weak in the Knees

Feist - 1,2,3,4

Some Damien should be in there too - and well what else would you put on there?

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/missnita/398994569/

What veganism has taught me about love

There's a limited selection when you are out looking, especially when you are desperate. I've had several moments where I've stood in front of the Amy's section in Choices and just about gave up on this all. Not because I wanted meat, but because I wanted to be able to eat something fresh. I know that I could have made something the night before but with the shifts and everything else, some days it's hit and miss. It's been like that recently when it comes to men, with all the commotion about Cheryl's wedding, it's been like the parading of cheese bagel from Granville Island in front of perpetually, reminding me of something I've wanted, but keep blocking out (and yes I know I could have picked something like cheesecake but I can make some - but then this analogy doesn't really work)... anyways it seems to be in these cases that I get swept up in all the love stuff. I was thinking about it today, it's not even like I really want it - I just want someone in my life that I can hang out with like Joel and I did - no commitment, none of the complicated stuff, but apparently as we've seen even that stuff gets messy. It isn't going to happen, and no one is going to be able to make a vegan version of the cream cheese bagel sold only at Granville Island, that I used to have every Sunday as a child, and nor am I going to find a man who respects and hopefully partners with me in the following (in no specific order): my Mennonite history/upbringing -ie. shares my strong feelings on pacifism, culture and faith, my faith in general, my veganism, my love for: food/an Epicurean geek, athletic pursuits (Grouse Grind and Yoga top that list), camping/outdoors, my passion for orphans and East Europe/social justice work, my fascination with Yiddish/Jewish culture, my ink (tats), my love for reading/education, and if we are getting picky at least an appreciation for Organic Chemistry... They do not however need to know anything about medicine or want to know about medicine... that is one area that I am happy to leave out. Also a general alignment with left of center thought, "liberal" as it sometimes referenced, non-type A personality and a bit of a daredevil is preferred.