Things That Make You Go...

Grrr - that so did not work.

My therapist spent the last part of the time today discussing my body language towards men, and how I can accept it and yet not - in other words how to ignore the lookey loos etc and let that cute barista boy looking my way know that if I like my latte he's cool in my books. Well apparently I mixed up the instructions or the first one was a dud regardless, because for the first time in 6 months of being on transit for 2+ hours a day I got a clingy drug using/illegal job/poor hint taker for a seat buddy. Gawd boy take a hint. Anyways I am off to try my f*off world body posture again tomorrow, or not, hopefully not, seriously.

So on to the other thing she's making/urging/being paid to advise me on - men. Yeppers, men. I get to talk about them all the time now - supposedly this is the time I'm suppose to talk about them, you sure? Apparently she is and now is the best time for me to figure out who I am and what I want when I've got no worries about a single external issue effecting those two. Huh... well she's the professional right, and I'm really only a professional at singledom.

So first things first - the easier one... a list of characteristics I'm looking for. That's easy right? Not really see the list isn't like one of those where I write down that my fantasy guy would run a bubble bath in a freshly bleached tub and while I'm in, he'd there scrub my floors. It's suppose to be about those things that make my grandparents my relationship template - what do they have for each other... more work for me. I know one thing he needs to have innately after today's session, the ability to turn me into a bumbling, tummy turning, dry mouth idiot for the first part - that can't really continue - I mean the bumbling will, but the other two while an awesome diet plan aren't good long term symptoms... apparently I can have that all.


Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/lyndsayhphoto/2184456914/

Cheap Therapy...

Since I'm poor, retail therapy isn't an option - and food based therapy requires I bake - and I'm not up for it tonight - but yes I have been known to make brownies at 10pm before - normally only around exam time though - thus not induced by the one affliction I wish removed from my psyche - so thus literary therapy is my only option. And you all get to join me in it.

I came to a realization earlier on in the week - I know just two short days ago - marriage doesn't scare me anymore in regards to one person thus far - it's given me nightmares, cold sweats and heart palpitations with everyone else I've known or thought of in that respect. Which will reaffirm for some of you why I'm single -but whatever. So I talked to Leaha about this and she suggested that I blog this panic I have about not panicking... what the ___ is wrong here? I even suggested to her I would even be willing to use the word submit in my vows to said person. Something has definitely short circuited - I'm a feminist - I plan on using birth-control and I plan on seeing it as a partnership - I'm no one's property - I'm defined apart from, not in relation to, and yet... this person exemplifies that kind of character - the kind that would let me have freedom, so much so I would be willing to reign myself in. Someone I wouldn't hesitate to have 4-6 kids with... saying that it's apparent I need help - an intervention.

You know Leaha I didn't want to blog this because I'm going to look at it tomorrow and cringe and even worse I live in daily fear that this will all be found out - and I'll blush crimson on Sunday, violent and hot. Then again that will likely happen on Sunday anyways - if he's there... which a large part of me hopes he's not so I can breathe deeply again and move on...



Just to add to the beautiful crazy as Leaha calls it - posted because Damien is the thing that every crazy person needs to listen to.

SNOW?!!!

SNOW, what the? Okay, so I'm a Vancouverite - that's just that, and here's the deal, I don't mind snow when it comes over night in a big dump or whathaveyou, but when it snows all day preventing me from going to the library for fear that I'll be stuck when I exit 6 hours later or even worse have to do what I did last year - which was walk around Vancouver barefoot because I had worn shoes incompatible with the weather though fab with the outfit. The lovely shoes to the left here, are a example of my beloved Orsay black stilleto's at home - which have the same heel base as these - tiny heel base... these are the times when I wouldn't mind having someone strong along for the party - especially when you decide to have a few - hey the boss is buying.... Leaha's great and is going to be an awesome date, but seriously she isn't going to do a thing to prevent me from ending up on my ass, especially wearing a short dress. So I guess I'll be doing what I did last year and many other times in my life - heels in hand... Off to the books - got some goodish news my Anatomy class which is still going to hand my ass to me is at least not focused on the stuff I really don't have the time to re-memorize like all the bones and muscles of the face, grrr. And I did manage to out of some work of culinary genius pump out well over 6 dozen cookies last night - enough for two Sunday's worth of baking - yippee, maybe I will be able to weasle my Vegan self into the heart of a suitor through his stomach after all since BMMWH hasn't emailed me yet... that is unless he's waiting for Sunday - ewww - cornering a girl isn't cool, it makes you want to die - regardless of how we feel overall - for that moment it's torture. Speaking of torture... off to the books - as I can see from rewriting my brain has already shifted all energy to that region...

I can't look... but I must... but I can't

Leaha reminded me that tomorrow is Thursday. What's wrong with Thursday? It's the day the Georgia Straight comes out - with it, my little ditty about BMMWH (Boy My Mother Would Hate) and now I'm thinking that for starters I find a new place to sit in church, like not on the left side, and two pray no one has paid any attention to me, or three, that good Church going folks don't read the I Saw You section- oh who am I kidding everyone who reads the Straight does and even worse this is the kind of Church where folks read the Straight - damn it that's why I'm there. So on that note - I think I should go brunette - haven't been one since I was 14, a decade plus as a red head, I can change for a month and pray like most men he's got serious memory issues when it comes to aesthetics... or just suck it up, and in the process remind myself that this is why girls shouldn't do stuff like this - we're suppose to wait and make the guy feel like his soy eggnog just went all weird in his tummy. And could someone remind me why I'm not listening to myself - um hello no dating until January 09 - why on Earth am I even putting myself out there... someone want to answer that? Oh wait I think Kelly answers that - all this silly - like, lust, love business melts your brain - those little butterflies have laid eggs in my cerebral cortex or something like that.

The Trouble with Men...

The trouble with men is despite all your intentions they have this way of becoming a recurrent yet desired nuisance in your life. So despite the trouble this boy is causing, I just happened to have posted two ads - one in Craigslist and the other in the Georgia Straight to tract down the man haunting my dreams and contaminating my sanity. Fingers crossed he's taken so I don't have to fight Leaha for him.

Talked to death...

I work with predominately women and all being in some stage of relationship and me the single unmarried one in the office - what then shall we talk about but me. Single me... Seriously I'm not actively looking - if someone where to come along with serious intents then maybe that would change - strong emphasis on the maybe.

I just overall find it exhausting to deal with the social constructs that dictate goals that I don't have for my life now or know if I ever will have - and all the while trying to explain that I'm in a season of waiting - waiting is acceptable is it not? Are we not called to wait on the Lord, not blaze ahead on a path we feel we are destined for regardless of the actual timing and will of God. I realized that due to the societal constructs I am inherently a disappointment. I have yet to give birth and honestly I have no intention on doing so – I really do not want to give birth – not the whole pain issue – I do not believe it’s socially/ethically responsible in light of the number of children suffering around this world without families as such adoption is the only option for me. Marriage doesn’t float my boat either to be honest, while the concept of companionship is wonderful, I’m not sure it’s entirely necessary for me and or that it wouldn’t be a hindrance. But regardless I face the onslaught daily – the You are not married? You’re not pregnant? (No, that’s just IBS…), You are not even looking?

But at the end of the day I don't really know what to do when continually forced to deal with these questions, grace is running in short supply and at the same time there is this perception that this is your fault – this is your decision, you’re the one who walks around with red hair, it should be your natural brown or spinach in your teeth or those tattoos - all acts ensure you are single when have we ever thought to think God just doesn’t think it’s important right now – He’s working on other more important things? We all have our path right or wrong? The whole path analogy is only ever used when things are dissatisfactory for ourselves, never recognized when things in another’s life are dissatisfactory to us.

Of course in an act of hypocrisy I will not deny that there was a boy in the front row of 10th that caught my attention - but that is a whole long long ways away from me ever acknowledging him in any formal sense because as stated to death, talked about to death and my complete and utter mental break I am changing my life because I know it's needed not for a man, I don't need one to be complete and I sure as hell don't need one messing up my life right now.

My days are numbered...

Due to my love of an awesome roommate, I will not be going to Starbucks after this Thursday. No, I will not have given up caffeine, I will however for the sake of her pride (she works there now), my shame and the awesome man hair of our beloved Barista boy be forced to find other caffeine refill locations. Why? Well, Leaha decided since I'm prone to blush in the presence of this boy to post an I Saw You on my behalf in this week's Georgia Straight - out on Thursday - I had no part in it, nor do I know what she typed, she can verify this. Those of you unfamiliar with the I Saw You's they're the answer to Craigslist's missed connections, an "I think you're cute, but I didn't get your number" type of service...useful for times when it isn't feasible and or when you just don't have the nerve. Now this is all said in light of the previous comments, I am in no way looking for anything with Mr. Gorgeous Man Hair... he's got a Mohawk(!) and would have been more than happy with blushing when he says Hi to me because I'm a regular. A regular no more, no more late night studying unless that is I burn my white toque and never order a soy vanilla Americano Misto again - hmmm always a possibility, heard their Green Tea Latte's are good.

While I'd love to blame Leaha because this is all so silly and nothing should ever come between me and my Starbucks, NOTHING, it provides an experiment if you will into the greater issue of social navigation beyond your immediate friend group and also a perfect lesson in why we shouldn't judge on appearance... it's tough there is an aesthetic that has an appeal to me - and it does involve awesome man hair (dreads and mohawks included), tattoos and or as seen at 10th - any kind of Not for Profit/Activist type clothing - worked for Amnesty, Greenpeace etc works for me? Then again, who knows maybe that's just a phase, and that's why I'm still single, since I really need to find me someone so 100% vanilla to marry....

So what do you think? Are you the kind of person who would start a conversation with a stranger? Or would you use a format like I Saw You or just not even bother? For the limited male audience - what's your take on the whole thing?

Cornered

My mother just stopped by to drop off my Compassion letters and my GST check, she also decided it was time to do the motherly prod into my life. You okay? Sure I'm okay - I tried to squeak out as nonchalant as possible - it's midterm season - I was up until past one and awake at 8:30 this morning, combine that with my erratic gym and work schedule and my life has been well like a snow globe - she looked at me, and I knew she could see through the excuse. The lyrics My skin got so thin you could see right through it, And I started that's my story and I'm stickin' to it... came to mind in that moment. But she's gone and I dodged that bullet.
Well there was another moment in the last 24 hours where I felt like the one cornered, not in the whole aggressive sense, but more so the tables turned on me - my only real experience with this whole lay it all out there and discourse through it, had been the brutal arguments Darrell and I used to have. I learned once it started to go south, that to get out of it with my dignity in tact to follow his lead and go for the jugular - but when you're the one with more demons locked away - it is isn't always the best option. That being said this whole situation has come down to something far less angst ridden and a whole lot less desperate if you will. You may think someone is wrong, but in the end you're going to be better for it, was a lesson I learned quickly the first time. Do not try an argue with the person in the hopes they will realize the error of their way - it does not work that way - never has and never will. The second time I had to deal with this type of situation, I thankfully avoided the whole thing under the pretenses of politeness and then with the aid of alcohol at the staff Christmas party - I guess that's why Brian makes sure it's free. Now my third time around with the same sort of conversation and I'm trying to figure out if maybe that's why I was drawn to the online thing. The Darrell situation was long, too long and drawn out - almost a year and a half of drama. Andrew was about 8 months and thankfully this has been what the grand total of a few weeks start to finish, can't be all that bad right?

Regardless - it's all not for me, whatever is happening in my life - whatever God is trying to get born while occupying me with horrible work schedules, bills and an over intuitive mother is going to stand in the way of whatever I think I may want at this stage - and in the end, again as Cheryl et al know marriage isn't something I'm particularly sold on - the concept is great - I get that but in the recesses of my mind and heart is the continuous voice that says you know that's not to be your life and this will continue to happen until you get it - yours is to be a solitary journey - sure there will be fellow travellers but there will never be a travelling companion for you- your life is not destined for that. I know it is not a measure of who you are or have not become - it is not as my cousin said in her wedding vows an indication of faith - to be married does not say you're a better Christian... nor to be single does not mean to world finds you distasteful. It does however mean that the journey you are on is for you and you alone. Like I said to Jordan earlier today - I guess I'm a river - and I starting to see now I'm surrounded by a lot of highways....

Just to add - Leah commented on the previous post and the idea of molds - I used to have a set list of requirements, a check list if you will - that's become a loose concept as of late - Requirements follow: Christian (non-evangelical/non-moral majority type), non-Type A, flexible - a go with the flow type person if you will - basically everything I'm not - there is a spectrum of people - I'm not interested in someone as or more Type A than me - that's crazy, someone willing to accept that I don't really have a solid idea of my future, someone who's sense of humor is not primarily sarcastic, flexible on the children issue - as they are a spot of indecision and if I have them - they're going to be adopted, and accepts the whole deal - the whole sordid mess of baggage, the feminist, the fighter, the passive, the broken, the well repressed daredevil, the vegan, the procrastinator. It actually looks extensive... but the first two are the set in stone ones. It think in the end we all have some idea of what we want whether it's superficial and has to do with the appearance - tall dark and handsome or something like that - or the crazy long list I used to have... the key is knowing the set in stone issues - one of my past coworkers for her it's no children - doesn't want any and that's final.

Photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/livingwilderness/.

Time for some honesty

Cheryl is back - hallelujah! And since she wasn't in the loop of what has gone down she had some astute observations, two namely - one I'm more blunt in person than I am on the blog - and that should change, and two I seem to have this thing for emotionally stunted/unavailable, vaguely descriptive artistic men - specifically those who can use a guitar and a camera. Damn, that's accurate and horribly embarrassing. Darrell was the first one - socially inept, emotionally vague - I remember watching him squirm on the flight back to Seattle from Moscow - he had just given me the talk - the I really, really like you but you're not the kind of girl who can be a pastor's wife talk. I more or less said that was BS (Pastor Lee was infront of us - swearing wasn't going to fly). How so? I prodded - apparently I wasn't compassionate enough - because I wasn't a preschool teacher or a nurse. But Marie was - Marie was a nurse.... and so they started dating and of course it went south - she was this woman he fit into a mold of his bizarre romantic notions. I didn't learn of course from that lesson, Darrell came back knocking a year later under the guise of friendship and we ended up continually having it out as I tried desperately to get him out from behind the guitar and everything else to say that he'd been wrong - marriage isn't about a list, it's about a coming together of two people with a common direction, compatible personalities and love and sure lust is somewhere in there too - I don't want to marry someone who thinks I fulfill their list - because one day someone will come along to get their attention. And so now we've in short order laid down the same scene - granted and I'm sure the new one is happy I couldn't corner him 11 hour Aeroflot flight to get the whole truth - and honestly that does irritate the hell out of me - but we're at the same place as Darrell and I were "friends" to borrow from Ms. Clarkson - Friend? What does that even mean? So there you go Cheryl - it's blunt, too the point, it's everything I was trying not to do... but in the end I guess I don't really care what he thinks of me (part of me still does but whatever) - since I'm pretty sure his mind was made up long before 1pm last Saturday.

I can't say it was a good night, but it's been a good morning

I was awake, like wide awake at 12, 3, and 5 with a mind that would not turn off - filled with what's, if's, frustration, confusion and an overall rehashing of the last 5 years and the guilt - Jess says it's the most powerful emotion and apparently it's considerably stronger than any other other emotions I've been feeling as of late. So who knows maybe I'll develop some self censorship when it's all said and done. And hopefully character right? All this breeds character...

However, in a conversation with my brother this morning (their first turkey dinner turned out well), his response to my email last night - reminded me of an article I had been working on and put aside at least two years ago now. In case you're wondering I have enough saved material to likely not have to blog for at least the next 6 months - just edit accordingly and post... writing aids the overanalyzing of life and vice versa. Words are my favorite topic to over analyze, and the discussion was recently had about the word "problem," well if I may - the word "zing," "spark" or what have you - covers over a huge area - now I'm pretty sure of the definition in the current usage, but to look at it as I have always seen it - they all boil down to lust to my mind for various reasons. Now lust has some connotations of its own, and that's the reason I chose it - lust is temporary. Very temporary and as such I put huge value on the trust factor, and know that physical attraction aside the rest follows only with trust - do I inherently trust you? If I don't then it's going to get ugly if we progress down the road - as seen with numbers 1 through 3 in my life and now the last 1 and I guess why don't we through the latest situation in there too - had what I needed first and foremost to get over the huge hurdle - an aspect to their personality that allowed me to go okay, this is a situation I can stand on my own two feet in - I'm not going to be physically or emotionally at the mercy of the other person - the first step of trust.

Regardless, we move on to bigger and better things like synovial joints, Starbucks and the Grouse Grind - Morgan you up for it? I feel like doing something that forces me to feel pain elsewhere or more specifically everywhere. All things considered though, I think an intense Ashtanga class to channel everything will be the best option.

So to the quote, it arose because my brother being the great sport he is - claimed huge skepticism at the outcome - thanks - you'll get your cookies in the mail. But I figure we were raised in the same environment and have the same general thought process so we approach at this in the same way.

"I am lusting after someone to share the load, to wrap his arms around me or even just hold my hand and refresh these weary bones, this fragile spirit still so desperate to fight, to push on alone, and yet the desire to be accompanied by his words, this presence continually breaks through despite my best efforts. It’s that tangible aspect of support, care, friendship, not even love per say that I desire, it’s that spark. And so I lust after passion in all its forms, it’s like chivalry though; it only attains perfection within the mythological. Still we feel that it is central to our lives, the source our individual value, the relationship is our existence/purpose - those butterflies, sleepless nights and days without eating or what have you a signal of our life. We place such a tremendous weight on the shoulders of passion/chemistry, “the spark” and in action not only is it so incredibly flawed,but that spark burns holes that only damage, rather than illuminate. Tarnished and burned, it feels like there is little to recover, and yet we continue to desire that which engulfs all of ourselves."
Well technically I've been in bed for 9 hours so I guess regardless of the about 6 hours of sleep I need to get going on my life, dust off - and in the words of Jess - put on your pink lip gloss (since pink's the best) and get yourself to Starbucks. In the end maybe that's what I really need a barista boy - I'd be caffeinated all the time - and that is definitely not a bad thing.

While we're on this journey of trying to shovel it all out and get on with things - I have two large prints (10x16 or something like that) of Darrell's free to a good home - you don't get the frame - they're Ikea anyways. I don't particularly want them to go the route of Richard's stuff. Since well they were not cheap. I also know that Leaha's not fond of them and I have new Vintage travel prints to put up. The pictures are of the Lone Cypress and of a railway track in Hope - they were to be part of a series of 4 prints symbolizing journey and the solitary. We parted ways before the other two could be decided upon.

Oh wait, one more thing - I've got it, the new tattoo plan that is. I figured that having my foot done at this stage in my life is probably not the best thing. It will get done, just not right now. So anyways, Beloved is on the right hip in structured cyrillic, and since we all know that I'm a walking binary (Gemini), I figured that having Broken - to be done in German once Sven gets me the translation - done in a feminine script on the left side, from which a lotus (like their logo) will arise up the side up the rib cage (Jess' suggestion) will be the perfect opposite. Possibly done in color - haven't decided. It follows the lotus mythology if you will, that from the darkness arises hope, purity and ultimate rebirth. It's just going to be like a month's rent so obviously not going to happen right now.

Per Leaha's request

Leaha claims that my blogging is her source of emotional articulation - she wants an angry blog from me. The funny thing is I don't think I have it in me to articulate something that I honestly have no desire to acknowledge I could be feeling right now - really I don't. But since Leaha's not here, Tasha's in T.O. and Cheryl is somewhere frantically packing, moving or sewing - it's just me and my computer. Sure I guess I could journal, and maybe I should, but non-bluntness and censorship aren't qualities I possess as those who really know and have held on with me through all this.

So, first of all Leaha we need to start stocking booze in this house - the liquor store is like a block away - and with all the stress and sleep deprivation as of late and now the recent events - some tequila or vodka would be great right now. If we had that and I could follow a few shots with a blisteringly hot shower the rest would not follow - guaranteed. So the gut feeling - face plant-esque moment that I had been preparing myself for occurred. Yes I am aware that by using that analogy there is an implication there - and yes that implication is what you think it is. Oh, to be back on this side of the equation, I prefer it when it's the other way around to be honest. I find it horribly frustrating that my actions serve to reaffirm that which I don't want to reaffirm... I've faltered on this path in the past and as such removed myself from it - found it an affirmation that in the end none of it is for me. And you know, regardless of what some may think or feel or even say - to falter on this path continually comes back to the self - what did I do, say, look like or whatever. In the end - the single and happy girl has to put the walls back together and move on with my own life. I know that I've been hoping that things would start changing in the end I guess the more things change in other aspects of my life the more this aspect remains the same.

And on that note - no more of the website - that's right - Leaha was able to extrude from my conversations over the past few days that I need to completely remove myself from all of this - be it made clear it's not a result of the previous event, it is however reaffirmed by it - there's no place for any of this in my life now or for the extended future - miss independent was right in the end - bring on the 5 year job commitments, the old Jenn is back and as apathetically angry as before. I know you're all glad, I'm sure I definitely will be in the morning.

Postscript - I really feel convicted if you will to reiterate that this is not frustration directed at a person. Yes, while there is a slightly bruising, natural in these cases. It is the culmination of events that are the result of this blog, and have been for the last 5 years of my life - should those years determine my future? Maybe, maybe not but at the end of this day and the ones that will follow for a long while until someone can give me a good enough reason why not than yes, these sentiments will continue - I've blogged about it several times before - k, so maybe you think I'm cool or what have you but I'm know who I am - and that Type A, planner, wholly emotionally invested and too blunt for her own good person is best of on her own. Why? Because there are dueling parts of her brain right now that say, oh just f__ it, to the pain as well as to this person you were thinking of, sure why not... and in the end that's just asking for another oh just f___ it when it comes to life. So no, not unless they're prepared to read the blogs, all of them and know what they're up against - then I say sure if they're willing I guess I'm prepared to consume more alcohol when this all repeats itself.

And the shoes? As noted before, back in June under the topic Facebook - a pair of these handmade vegan stilettos would make the world even better than a very strong martini would.

Address your fears....

I just about choked today when that was brought up. Fears? Go for them, you sure? Seriously? (The big inner monologue was running on high speed today - with the big check list of things that I shouldn't say, restrain bluntness - for the love, Jenn you best be doing that today repeated in my head) Sure I've got a few phobia's heights, spiders and who knows maybe even bovine. But the bigger issue, the three non-phobia fears I've have had running parallel to the standards - relationships/dating/commitment, men and life's progression. I can't say that those will ever really change - the first I guess will have to at some point in time and I guess in some ways I'm currently trying to make efforts to move beyond the whole happy and single thing - not sure what will become of that but I'm prepared to be satisfied that I was brave enough despite the snickering, to put on foot in front of the other - and regardless of the end results. Face plants still count as forward motion right?

The second - given my experiences that's going to be tough one and life's progression, well Jess and I had some long talks on the ferry rides today - ultimately a job must be holistic, and right now I've set myself on a course that runs counter to my current job and many other jobs - my "lifestyle," my faith and my "passions" and a 9-5 job is not going to cut it. The Publishing Program at SFU maybe, combined maybe with yoga training/personal training looks like a good option and with my Kinesiology and Gerontology minors I can tailor those together. I'm hoping that it starts becoming clearer.

So in regards to the first "fear" again, the whole marriage thing will still likely give me nightmares, but the small stuff that happens so far in advance of that doesn't seem to be so huge - it isn't the horrible cliff of doom I once though it was, maybe because my face hurts from smiling/laughing so much - which in and of itself neutralizes whatever may be... enough said, semi-self censorship is probably best.

Photo courtesy of Maplemusketeer.

Procrastination

After 8 years of school I've mastered it and today is a perfect example, it started with me sleeping in a hour, then dawdling out of the gym and then making a b-line for the UCM clubs day table to talk to Kirsten and Seth about the goings on of the last few months - the failed sabbatical attempt, the move and even the Mennonite "Dating" site - it's not really that but whatever, can't be picky about titles right now, primarily as I'm using Ryan's computer in Convo Mall because I couldn't manage to get mine to work... Speaking of Ryan, I'm trying to convince him to use the Menno site, for the same reasons I initially started - to get my parents off my back - at least I was doing something proactive - and like Leaha and I bemoaned we can't seem to find anything other than vanilla men out there. I know that's now a Jennism but that's the best description for what's out there - Vanilla men - weak in spirit and passion - not in the Hollywood kind, but the social justice, Christ kind, the kind of men who find it humorous to tease the vegan about her choices... what are we, 12? So I'm looking for a Cherry Garcia kind of man - sweet like the cherries, bitter/robust like the dark chocolate and has an overall complex personality to carry it... or maybe something more adventurous. But enough of the love life thing - even though my horoscope claims I should be in the throws of some kind of passionate embrace - hmm, not happening. Not that I'm really complaining to be honest - life is crazy enough as it is right now - trying to get a new job, moving in, balancing the books and the getting to the other kinds of books - which I haven't yet today. Speaking of which I have two hours to get something done. One last note, if you are out there, my horoscope man - maybe get on it, despite all my ramblings about being independent and all that I wouldn't mind if you know do something... And yes I now contradicted myself - but it's my blog and my life and I can do whatever I want right?