Ack!

Life without a computer, is like life without coffee - depressing, frustrating and inevitably leads to brain fog - the kind of October morning on the Hill kind of fog (it's normally thicker then this, but that wouldn't make a good picture now would it?).

I wanted to blog last night, but seeing as my laptop is residing at my parent's house, I am now left to try and gather my thoughts at work... The overwhelming thought right now for me - is wow, I have a lot to do and I'm not sure my current intake of 1/2 black coffee and 1/2 chocolate soy milk is going to enable me to accomplish everything I need to do, or just serve to further irritate my IBS. Likely the later considering I'm on the second cup... While I'm a little concerned about starting to train for my new job, I feel like somehow I'm being blessed with the head space for it and honestly I'm more concerned about finding a hat, flip flops, getting my white blouse back from the dry cleaners, re-doing my nails, doing my remaining laundry and in general ensuring that I get to Florida in one piece. So my brain is full of all those feelings and the occasional feeling that I should have chosen a different pair of shoes today - darn pointed toe, 3 inch slingback Ann Klein's are killing my left arch today, and my stomach is full of coffee and soy... So may this blog serve to indicate that while I am capable of eloquent, intellegent thought at times - today is not one of those days, so check out the recipe blog and distract yourself with the wonders of tempeh or as Leaha did today Isa's Chocolate Chip cookies...

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/paulman/288704096/

It's not a Manic Monday, more like a Woeful Wednesday

The day started off with my left eye looking puffy - my wonderful eczema, which is going to take a few days to clear - it would be helpful if I didn't have to put makeup on but that's not really an option. It got even more frustrating when the Starbucks didn't have soy - how can you not have soy at 8:45am? You've been open for like 3 hours and you don't have soy? Bah, I was so prepared to walk home and carry back a tetra pac of Silk just so I could have my Green Tea Latte without melon... instead I bought a coffee, and since I've been off the stuff for three weeks now my IBS took issue with the surge of caffeine as well as my brain and thus the free Grande cup of coffee remains three-quarters un-consumed. To add the bliss of this morning while getting up to check the script on my first patients glasses I hear this *tink,* a button had fallen off my brand new blouse. The only blessing is it was the second from the bottom. Then just before lunch as I was checking my email - I get a response back from R at Tenth - we'd love baking for the next two Sunday nights - the next TWO! ___ (insert choice unladylike word) I am going to be baking for all eternity - as 5-6 dozen is the average quantity and now I have to also figure out what to bake... This week it looks like lemon loaf and snickerdoodles. Next week? Rhubarb platz and graham crackers with chocolate drizzle? Or switch the weeks - I guess it depends on what I can find at Donald's - if there is fresh rhubarb or not. Grr - I just want to go home - get into my Lulu's, wash off this horrid make up and have an awesome meal of chickpea tacos.

One more thing to add - we can only refract in one room right now, leaving me to run up and down the ramp at a frantic pace - to ensure he always has that one room full - yay for work based exercise.

Sorry I'm going to be better at this blogging and working thing...

But first things first - sleep, followed by Christmas shopping and cursing the overall season, I detest Christmas - the holiday - not the reason lost in all the chaos - but who are we kidding do we ever have even longer than a Christmas Eve to slow down just a little to possibly unwrap the complexity of it all. But just as we may reach that gift we ramp up the chaos again for Christmas day followed by the excesses of Boxing Day and followed shortly there after with New Years...

I need to buy presents for my Dad, Mom, Brother, Future Sister in Law, and roommate... plus I have to find time to grocery shop and hopefully make it to the gym. I'm planning menu's in my sleep and it's all too much. STOP! and let me off - sorry no gifts, no egg nog creme brules for Christmas dessert or mushroom pot stickers for New Year's - I can't do it.

But when I get to this point I remember this song I heard a few years back - yes as much as I detest it, Christmas music can be good... ack I said it. Well hopefully you like this - it's not Mariah but I think that's a good thing.

Studying

Seriously I am... the ACSM recommends that we should as part of our daily fitness and overall wellness engage in stretching - up to two times a day for some of us depending on the overall tightness. So I'm going to give you guys your recommendation in a yoga modified format. Why? Well these can be combined together and with breathing provides you with a good wake up or wind down routine. The numbers correlate the the ACSM's list numbers if anyone wants to check up on me.

2. Calve/6. Downward Dog - well wait a moment that's a yoga position - that it is. Now prior to downward dog - since you should not just throw yourself into it. Cat stretches are a good lower back stretch and allow you to work towards completing 1 - and warming up your body.

Cat stretches - get on all fours with hands below your body - in line with your shoulders, and knees hip with apart - this is your hip bone, not your fleshy hips. Inhale through your nose, let your pelvis lower, and your head/upper body raise. Exhale, through the nose again, contracting your throat so that there is an audible noise. Curl yourself under, by arching your back/lifting your pelvis and lowering your head - if you can turn your gaze to your belly button, repeat 10 times.

From this position, you can move your hands forward and dig your toes into the mat, and lift your behind. Make sure your arms and legs are aligned within the body frame as above, fingers and toes receive equal pressure, bend knees push/lift behind up and then straighten legs - not locked. Advanced - heels touch the ground, and gaze is up at the belly button again. If your heels don't touch, then rock gently - in that one leg bends while the other heel moves closer to the ground, switch sides, then return to downward dog, traditional. Once held for 5 breaths - that's a full inhale and exhale. Step your legs forward, or in advanced jump through. Hold yourself in the forward bend position, lifting yourself slowly. Forward bend - hamstrings - feet should be hip width apart, and inhale then on the exhale lower your torso - the whole thing, and fold forward, do not lock your knees, hold gently to your ankles or toes - to hold on to your toes, curl your index and middle finger under the big toes and place your thumb on top.

From downward dog
4. Quad - You can stretch your hips and quad in one go, bring one leg forward bending it at the knee and bringing it across and your lower your body - in the end your should have one leg knee out with foot across in front of you and the other straight behind you. Watch the alignment of the straight leg foot. Inhale, then exhale, lean forward, now depending on the tightness, you can stop there or you can in full pose have your arms out flat in front of you on the ground. Once held for 5 breaths, lift yourself up, and place the hand on the side with the bent leg on the ground, and then take the heel of the straight leg in your other hand - you may need a strap for this one depending on your flexibility.

The rest of the stretches can be done on the ground.

3. Groin - First in staff - which is legs out in front of you sitting up on your sit bones, then pull your feet towards you, bring the bottoms together - the closer you can get the better - hands on the feet. Advanced variations - forward bend, with hands over or under legs, or if you so desire - with a bolster behind you lengthwise lean back letting your arms rest at your sides - this can be furthered without the bolster and your arms above your head, with your index and thumb around your right wrist forming an eight with your body.

5. Spinal - simplest is to sit cross legged - or lotus if so inclined - and place on hand across your body on the opposite knee the other hand on the ground to the side and back of you and inhale then exhale and turn your torso - not your head, watching your shoulders - don't lift them.

7. Upper body - options abound - but one good shoulder one, is back in cat pose - thread the needle as it is said - place one arm through the space behind the other. Your shoulder lowers to the ground, rest your head down. You'll feel a stretch across your back.

8. Standing side - Hand to heart (?) is a good option, or a modification of warrior - this one I've posted a picture for.

Check out Yogeek - not only is this where the picture is from she shows the Asana's and variations for those interested

Questions

To delete or not to delete - it's that nasty guilt thing - worried that discourse is not feasible post what was laid out. I'm not crazy - seriously

Sleep or not to sleep - I'm beyond tired - I haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks now - and it's getting worse - we're moving faster and faster towards insomnia - Cheryl I need some Ativan... asap.

Study or not to study - considering the above it's like slogging through the last mile of a marathon.

I can't say it was a good night, but it's been a good morning

I was awake, like wide awake at 12, 3, and 5 with a mind that would not turn off - filled with what's, if's, frustration, confusion and an overall rehashing of the last 5 years and the guilt - Jess says it's the most powerful emotion and apparently it's considerably stronger than any other other emotions I've been feeling as of late. So who knows maybe I'll develop some self censorship when it's all said and done. And hopefully character right? All this breeds character...

However, in a conversation with my brother this morning (their first turkey dinner turned out well), his response to my email last night - reminded me of an article I had been working on and put aside at least two years ago now. In case you're wondering I have enough saved material to likely not have to blog for at least the next 6 months - just edit accordingly and post... writing aids the overanalyzing of life and vice versa. Words are my favorite topic to over analyze, and the discussion was recently had about the word "problem," well if I may - the word "zing," "spark" or what have you - covers over a huge area - now I'm pretty sure of the definition in the current usage, but to look at it as I have always seen it - they all boil down to lust to my mind for various reasons. Now lust has some connotations of its own, and that's the reason I chose it - lust is temporary. Very temporary and as such I put huge value on the trust factor, and know that physical attraction aside the rest follows only with trust - do I inherently trust you? If I don't then it's going to get ugly if we progress down the road - as seen with numbers 1 through 3 in my life and now the last 1 and I guess why don't we through the latest situation in there too - had what I needed first and foremost to get over the huge hurdle - an aspect to their personality that allowed me to go okay, this is a situation I can stand on my own two feet in - I'm not going to be physically or emotionally at the mercy of the other person - the first step of trust.

Regardless, we move on to bigger and better things like synovial joints, Starbucks and the Grouse Grind - Morgan you up for it? I feel like doing something that forces me to feel pain elsewhere or more specifically everywhere. All things considered though, I think an intense Ashtanga class to channel everything will be the best option.

So to the quote, it arose because my brother being the great sport he is - claimed huge skepticism at the outcome - thanks - you'll get your cookies in the mail. But I figure we were raised in the same environment and have the same general thought process so we approach at this in the same way.

"I am lusting after someone to share the load, to wrap his arms around me or even just hold my hand and refresh these weary bones, this fragile spirit still so desperate to fight, to push on alone, and yet the desire to be accompanied by his words, this presence continually breaks through despite my best efforts. It’s that tangible aspect of support, care, friendship, not even love per say that I desire, it’s that spark. And so I lust after passion in all its forms, it’s like chivalry though; it only attains perfection within the mythological. Still we feel that it is central to our lives, the source our individual value, the relationship is our existence/purpose - those butterflies, sleepless nights and days without eating or what have you a signal of our life. We place such a tremendous weight on the shoulders of passion/chemistry, “the spark” and in action not only is it so incredibly flawed,but that spark burns holes that only damage, rather than illuminate. Tarnished and burned, it feels like there is little to recover, and yet we continue to desire that which engulfs all of ourselves."
Well technically I've been in bed for 9 hours so I guess regardless of the about 6 hours of sleep I need to get going on my life, dust off - and in the words of Jess - put on your pink lip gloss (since pink's the best) and get yourself to Starbucks. In the end maybe that's what I really need a barista boy - I'd be caffeinated all the time - and that is definitely not a bad thing.

While we're on this journey of trying to shovel it all out and get on with things - I have two large prints (10x16 or something like that) of Darrell's free to a good home - you don't get the frame - they're Ikea anyways. I don't particularly want them to go the route of Richard's stuff. Since well they were not cheap. I also know that Leaha's not fond of them and I have new Vintage travel prints to put up. The pictures are of the Lone Cypress and of a railway track in Hope - they were to be part of a series of 4 prints symbolizing journey and the solitary. We parted ways before the other two could be decided upon.

Oh wait, one more thing - I've got it, the new tattoo plan that is. I figured that having my foot done at this stage in my life is probably not the best thing. It will get done, just not right now. So anyways, Beloved is on the right hip in structured cyrillic, and since we all know that I'm a walking binary (Gemini), I figured that having Broken - to be done in German once Sven gets me the translation - done in a feminine script on the left side, from which a lotus (like their logo) will arise up the side up the rib cage (Jess' suggestion) will be the perfect opposite. Possibly done in color - haven't decided. It follows the lotus mythology if you will, that from the darkness arises hope, purity and ultimate rebirth. It's just going to be like a month's rent so obviously not going to happen right now.

Per Leaha's request

Leaha claims that my blogging is her source of emotional articulation - she wants an angry blog from me. The funny thing is I don't think I have it in me to articulate something that I honestly have no desire to acknowledge I could be feeling right now - really I don't. But since Leaha's not here, Tasha's in T.O. and Cheryl is somewhere frantically packing, moving or sewing - it's just me and my computer. Sure I guess I could journal, and maybe I should, but non-bluntness and censorship aren't qualities I possess as those who really know and have held on with me through all this.

So, first of all Leaha we need to start stocking booze in this house - the liquor store is like a block away - and with all the stress and sleep deprivation as of late and now the recent events - some tequila or vodka would be great right now. If we had that and I could follow a few shots with a blisteringly hot shower the rest would not follow - guaranteed. So the gut feeling - face plant-esque moment that I had been preparing myself for occurred. Yes I am aware that by using that analogy there is an implication there - and yes that implication is what you think it is. Oh, to be back on this side of the equation, I prefer it when it's the other way around to be honest. I find it horribly frustrating that my actions serve to reaffirm that which I don't want to reaffirm... I've faltered on this path in the past and as such removed myself from it - found it an affirmation that in the end none of it is for me. And you know, regardless of what some may think or feel or even say - to falter on this path continually comes back to the self - what did I do, say, look like or whatever. In the end - the single and happy girl has to put the walls back together and move on with my own life. I know that I've been hoping that things would start changing in the end I guess the more things change in other aspects of my life the more this aspect remains the same.

And on that note - no more of the website - that's right - Leaha was able to extrude from my conversations over the past few days that I need to completely remove myself from all of this - be it made clear it's not a result of the previous event, it is however reaffirmed by it - there's no place for any of this in my life now or for the extended future - miss independent was right in the end - bring on the 5 year job commitments, the old Jenn is back and as apathetically angry as before. I know you're all glad, I'm sure I definitely will be in the morning.

Postscript - I really feel convicted if you will to reiterate that this is not frustration directed at a person. Yes, while there is a slightly bruising, natural in these cases. It is the culmination of events that are the result of this blog, and have been for the last 5 years of my life - should those years determine my future? Maybe, maybe not but at the end of this day and the ones that will follow for a long while until someone can give me a good enough reason why not than yes, these sentiments will continue - I've blogged about it several times before - k, so maybe you think I'm cool or what have you but I'm know who I am - and that Type A, planner, wholly emotionally invested and too blunt for her own good person is best of on her own. Why? Because there are dueling parts of her brain right now that say, oh just f__ it, to the pain as well as to this person you were thinking of, sure why not... and in the end that's just asking for another oh just f___ it when it comes to life. So no, not unless they're prepared to read the blogs, all of them and know what they're up against - then I say sure if they're willing I guess I'm prepared to consume more alcohol when this all repeats itself.

And the shoes? As noted before, back in June under the topic Facebook - a pair of these handmade vegan stilettos would make the world even better than a very strong martini would.

Coffee In Hand

And a sink full of dishes done and drying, I'm trying to figure things out. I think I've got this whole living on my own thing figured out again - the fridge is clean and organized - no crazy experiments brewing, the laundry is almost done, dishes done. The only things left for me to do are sweep, mop and repeat endlessly, btw tile and hardwood be them nice in many respects are awful to keep free of debri. Anyways, I'm working through my Kinesiology homework - all three courses - 342's almost done, 110 - diet done, quiz not, 325 - nothing done (oops) - that's not good.

But seriously, I was "whoring" through myspace again last night (Meisha's term for it - not mine), listening to some of the songs/artists that cannot seem to make it on to radio - here in Vancouver or Internet. One such artist - Andrew Peterson, he has this amazing song - the Silence of God - but he took that off his player and replaced it with Holy is the Lord and Faith to Be Strong. I am wondering if I am not in an Isaac moment right now, or if we all aren't asked to continually be there - being asked to sacrifice what is seen as our all, our defining characteristic for the purpose of who He is. In that we don't know why - in the end though, the "answer is a sword that comes down hard on our hearts." Medical school is a sacrifice I made - I carry its memory - for better or worse - but I know there was no other way to be provided - there was no ram in the thickets. Now however, my current struggles are still tied to all that happened in that act back a year ago. Do I finish this degree? Is medical related work my calling? If not, am I talented enough as a writer to make it my living, or am I just feeding my ego with blogging - doing more harm than good? Do I even need a career path? Everyone I've interviewed with seems to have taken my openness to the future as flakiness and indecisiveness. I've got my barrings, I've got the buoys that I know I have to chart a course in between - but that's it - nothing more than the rough guideline provided by Christ. Horrible I know, some think I'm crazy - but I don't know. Right now I do know I need a stable job some how, a means of getting out of debt, a desire to finish school to the best of my abilities and beyond that... be there be marriage, children, culinary outlets, writing, moving or medical programs - that's too much. Is it really that lame to just want to know where my next paycheck is coming from and the amount? In that I know we were provisioned this place but beyond that I don't know where the provision for payment is, do you?

Booze or Chocolate

That's what I'm needing right now - and while we're at it who knows maybe some kind of cathartic release, like a good theraputic cry. I've had my second interview in the last week and again they're also looking for a 5+ year commitment. So again no new job and now I'm worried. I've been hitting my head against a wall, as per usual for those who's been following along for the last year. I need work but I can't seem to find it and with no safety net of moving home I'm at a loss of what to do. I have no intention of lying to any future employer about my future, but really 5 years? I'm 25 years old, even if I say I can commit, you really think they believe me? I best start the dealing with this, especially considering there is neither of the aformentioned anywhere to be seen, or even a hug - that's calorie free right? Hugs anyone? Well anyone I know and trust.