Time for some honesty

Cheryl is back - hallelujah! And since she wasn't in the loop of what has gone down she had some astute observations, two namely - one I'm more blunt in person than I am on the blog - and that should change, and two I seem to have this thing for emotionally stunted/unavailable, vaguely descriptive artistic men - specifically those who can use a guitar and a camera. Damn, that's accurate and horribly embarrassing. Darrell was the first one - socially inept, emotionally vague - I remember watching him squirm on the flight back to Seattle from Moscow - he had just given me the talk - the I really, really like you but you're not the kind of girl who can be a pastor's wife talk. I more or less said that was BS (Pastor Lee was infront of us - swearing wasn't going to fly). How so? I prodded - apparently I wasn't compassionate enough - because I wasn't a preschool teacher or a nurse. But Marie was - Marie was a nurse.... and so they started dating and of course it went south - she was this woman he fit into a mold of his bizarre romantic notions. I didn't learn of course from that lesson, Darrell came back knocking a year later under the guise of friendship and we ended up continually having it out as I tried desperately to get him out from behind the guitar and everything else to say that he'd been wrong - marriage isn't about a list, it's about a coming together of two people with a common direction, compatible personalities and love and sure lust is somewhere in there too - I don't want to marry someone who thinks I fulfill their list - because one day someone will come along to get their attention. And so now we've in short order laid down the same scene - granted and I'm sure the new one is happy I couldn't corner him 11 hour Aeroflot flight to get the whole truth - and honestly that does irritate the hell out of me - but we're at the same place as Darrell and I were "friends" to borrow from Ms. Clarkson - Friend? What does that even mean? So there you go Cheryl - it's blunt, too the point, it's everything I was trying not to do... but in the end I guess I don't really care what he thinks of me (part of me still does but whatever) - since I'm pretty sure his mind was made up long before 1pm last Saturday.

I can't say it was a good night, but it's been a good morning

I was awake, like wide awake at 12, 3, and 5 with a mind that would not turn off - filled with what's, if's, frustration, confusion and an overall rehashing of the last 5 years and the guilt - Jess says it's the most powerful emotion and apparently it's considerably stronger than any other other emotions I've been feeling as of late. So who knows maybe I'll develop some self censorship when it's all said and done. And hopefully character right? All this breeds character...

However, in a conversation with my brother this morning (their first turkey dinner turned out well), his response to my email last night - reminded me of an article I had been working on and put aside at least two years ago now. In case you're wondering I have enough saved material to likely not have to blog for at least the next 6 months - just edit accordingly and post... writing aids the overanalyzing of life and vice versa. Words are my favorite topic to over analyze, and the discussion was recently had about the word "problem," well if I may - the word "zing," "spark" or what have you - covers over a huge area - now I'm pretty sure of the definition in the current usage, but to look at it as I have always seen it - they all boil down to lust to my mind for various reasons. Now lust has some connotations of its own, and that's the reason I chose it - lust is temporary. Very temporary and as such I put huge value on the trust factor, and know that physical attraction aside the rest follows only with trust - do I inherently trust you? If I don't then it's going to get ugly if we progress down the road - as seen with numbers 1 through 3 in my life and now the last 1 and I guess why don't we through the latest situation in there too - had what I needed first and foremost to get over the huge hurdle - an aspect to their personality that allowed me to go okay, this is a situation I can stand on my own two feet in - I'm not going to be physically or emotionally at the mercy of the other person - the first step of trust.

Regardless, we move on to bigger and better things like synovial joints, Starbucks and the Grouse Grind - Morgan you up for it? I feel like doing something that forces me to feel pain elsewhere or more specifically everywhere. All things considered though, I think an intense Ashtanga class to channel everything will be the best option.

So to the quote, it arose because my brother being the great sport he is - claimed huge skepticism at the outcome - thanks - you'll get your cookies in the mail. But I figure we were raised in the same environment and have the same general thought process so we approach at this in the same way.

"I am lusting after someone to share the load, to wrap his arms around me or even just hold my hand and refresh these weary bones, this fragile spirit still so desperate to fight, to push on alone, and yet the desire to be accompanied by his words, this presence continually breaks through despite my best efforts. It’s that tangible aspect of support, care, friendship, not even love per say that I desire, it’s that spark. And so I lust after passion in all its forms, it’s like chivalry though; it only attains perfection within the mythological. Still we feel that it is central to our lives, the source our individual value, the relationship is our existence/purpose - those butterflies, sleepless nights and days without eating or what have you a signal of our life. We place such a tremendous weight on the shoulders of passion/chemistry, “the spark” and in action not only is it so incredibly flawed,but that spark burns holes that only damage, rather than illuminate. Tarnished and burned, it feels like there is little to recover, and yet we continue to desire that which engulfs all of ourselves."
Well technically I've been in bed for 9 hours so I guess regardless of the about 6 hours of sleep I need to get going on my life, dust off - and in the words of Jess - put on your pink lip gloss (since pink's the best) and get yourself to Starbucks. In the end maybe that's what I really need a barista boy - I'd be caffeinated all the time - and that is definitely not a bad thing.

While we're on this journey of trying to shovel it all out and get on with things - I have two large prints (10x16 or something like that) of Darrell's free to a good home - you don't get the frame - they're Ikea anyways. I don't particularly want them to go the route of Richard's stuff. Since well they were not cheap. I also know that Leaha's not fond of them and I have new Vintage travel prints to put up. The pictures are of the Lone Cypress and of a railway track in Hope - they were to be part of a series of 4 prints symbolizing journey and the solitary. We parted ways before the other two could be decided upon.

Oh wait, one more thing - I've got it, the new tattoo plan that is. I figured that having my foot done at this stage in my life is probably not the best thing. It will get done, just not right now. So anyways, Beloved is on the right hip in structured cyrillic, and since we all know that I'm a walking binary (Gemini), I figured that having Broken - to be done in German once Sven gets me the translation - done in a feminine script on the left side, from which a lotus (like their logo) will arise up the side up the rib cage (Jess' suggestion) will be the perfect opposite. Possibly done in color - haven't decided. It follows the lotus mythology if you will, that from the darkness arises hope, purity and ultimate rebirth. It's just going to be like a month's rent so obviously not going to happen right now.

Per Leaha's request

Leaha claims that my blogging is her source of emotional articulation - she wants an angry blog from me. The funny thing is I don't think I have it in me to articulate something that I honestly have no desire to acknowledge I could be feeling right now - really I don't. But since Leaha's not here, Tasha's in T.O. and Cheryl is somewhere frantically packing, moving or sewing - it's just me and my computer. Sure I guess I could journal, and maybe I should, but non-bluntness and censorship aren't qualities I possess as those who really know and have held on with me through all this.

So, first of all Leaha we need to start stocking booze in this house - the liquor store is like a block away - and with all the stress and sleep deprivation as of late and now the recent events - some tequila or vodka would be great right now. If we had that and I could follow a few shots with a blisteringly hot shower the rest would not follow - guaranteed. So the gut feeling - face plant-esque moment that I had been preparing myself for occurred. Yes I am aware that by using that analogy there is an implication there - and yes that implication is what you think it is. Oh, to be back on this side of the equation, I prefer it when it's the other way around to be honest. I find it horribly frustrating that my actions serve to reaffirm that which I don't want to reaffirm... I've faltered on this path in the past and as such removed myself from it - found it an affirmation that in the end none of it is for me. And you know, regardless of what some may think or feel or even say - to falter on this path continually comes back to the self - what did I do, say, look like or whatever. In the end - the single and happy girl has to put the walls back together and move on with my own life. I know that I've been hoping that things would start changing in the end I guess the more things change in other aspects of my life the more this aspect remains the same.

And on that note - no more of the website - that's right - Leaha was able to extrude from my conversations over the past few days that I need to completely remove myself from all of this - be it made clear it's not a result of the previous event, it is however reaffirmed by it - there's no place for any of this in my life now or for the extended future - miss independent was right in the end - bring on the 5 year job commitments, the old Jenn is back and as apathetically angry as before. I know you're all glad, I'm sure I definitely will be in the morning.

Postscript - I really feel convicted if you will to reiterate that this is not frustration directed at a person. Yes, while there is a slightly bruising, natural in these cases. It is the culmination of events that are the result of this blog, and have been for the last 5 years of my life - should those years determine my future? Maybe, maybe not but at the end of this day and the ones that will follow for a long while until someone can give me a good enough reason why not than yes, these sentiments will continue - I've blogged about it several times before - k, so maybe you think I'm cool or what have you but I'm know who I am - and that Type A, planner, wholly emotionally invested and too blunt for her own good person is best of on her own. Why? Because there are dueling parts of her brain right now that say, oh just f__ it, to the pain as well as to this person you were thinking of, sure why not... and in the end that's just asking for another oh just f___ it when it comes to life. So no, not unless they're prepared to read the blogs, all of them and know what they're up against - then I say sure if they're willing I guess I'm prepared to consume more alcohol when this all repeats itself.

And the shoes? As noted before, back in June under the topic Facebook - a pair of these handmade vegan stilettos would make the world even better than a very strong martini would.

Address your fears....

I just about choked today when that was brought up. Fears? Go for them, you sure? Seriously? (The big inner monologue was running on high speed today - with the big check list of things that I shouldn't say, restrain bluntness - for the love, Jenn you best be doing that today repeated in my head) Sure I've got a few phobia's heights, spiders and who knows maybe even bovine. But the bigger issue, the three non-phobia fears I've have had running parallel to the standards - relationships/dating/commitment, men and life's progression. I can't say that those will ever really change - the first I guess will have to at some point in time and I guess in some ways I'm currently trying to make efforts to move beyond the whole happy and single thing - not sure what will become of that but I'm prepared to be satisfied that I was brave enough despite the snickering, to put on foot in front of the other - and regardless of the end results. Face plants still count as forward motion right?

The second - given my experiences that's going to be tough one and life's progression, well Jess and I had some long talks on the ferry rides today - ultimately a job must be holistic, and right now I've set myself on a course that runs counter to my current job and many other jobs - my "lifestyle," my faith and my "passions" and a 9-5 job is not going to cut it. The Publishing Program at SFU maybe, combined maybe with yoga training/personal training looks like a good option and with my Kinesiology and Gerontology minors I can tailor those together. I'm hoping that it starts becoming clearer.

So in regards to the first "fear" again, the whole marriage thing will still likely give me nightmares, but the small stuff that happens so far in advance of that doesn't seem to be so huge - it isn't the horrible cliff of doom I once though it was, maybe because my face hurts from smiling/laughing so much - which in and of itself neutralizes whatever may be... enough said, semi-self censorship is probably best.

Photo courtesy of Maplemusketeer.

Boy, Oh Boy...

If you aren't a reader of my other blog, you should be, because then you would know that I just this past weekend sojourned across the border to the land of the catcall and pickup line. I know the US is known for a lot of other things, but apparently sexually aggressive men is one of their lesser known commodities. I've said it before - I don't look at you like that so don't look at me like that, and I guess I can expand that to - if you wouldn't say that with your mother next to you, then why would you say that? It wasn't just the lame pick up attempt or the cat call, every service guy seems to not be aware that the line between customer service friendly and trying to get my number number friendly is one that they've crossed. It's unnerving and offensive at times.
And at the same time I cannot seem to get anyone interested in me on this dating site. Yes I'm aware of the hypocrisy of that statement. Yes, I have made it public that I believe I'm not to marry - and maybe all this is evidence of that. I'm not sure. But I do find it a big fascinating as a whole, when I've made the attempt to be friendly - and the response has been cold - versus the one blond, feminist none the less gets the attention. Hmm. Well in the end at least I've found another vegan, tattoo menno - so I guess the two of us can join forces in our attempts...

The pic? Well lets just say that's a pretty good representation of the guys who tried quite lamely I might add to pick us up on Friday night. It's couresty of http://flickr.com/photos/74561290@N00/