True to my word

I promised Leaha that three strikes and I would quit - well quit I have.

Emotionally Exhausted

One of the main reasons I just finished off more double chocolate brownie with mocha butter-cream (all vegan of course) than I would have ever wanted too, or crave the gym, or love my Linkin Park and Lily Allen or curse girly movies (like Pretty in Pink) - is that this online thing has sucked every emotion out of my body and yet left me wanting the one thing it will never provide human touch... It's crazy but Shelby sealed the deal - I just don't know if I can fathom interaction with/talking/dating anytime soon - after almost 10 months of on and off online dating I am left with 1 friend - E, one failed date - J, and whatever else the others of late have been. The thing is like Cheryl just brought up - while online formats offer safety they require so much more from you emotionally. There is no opportunity to have a date and screen someone on intuition and body language. Instead you talk and talk and wait for someone to say or do something - a marker or some trigger unknown to the other person. Unfortunately that can take some time - meanwhile you have no way to even judge the other's true thoughts - you have no social frame of reference.

So that being said I'm going to bed to the sounds of Fort Minor and praying I don't feel the brownie subconsciously on my ass tomorrow morning...

Boys Suck?

Well I would be the first to say that is the case - especially considering I'm blogging instead of talking to Mr. Third Strike boy - I don't know what else to call him - I know the moniker puts him in a hole off the get go - but the thing is he is in a hole already... said he'd be online and well I want to go to bed - so get online or I'm moving on - I've got no patience for this shit - really I don't.

So here's the deal - if he goes south more so then his current residence I'm resigning my dating license and letting my dad take a go at screwing up my social life - and in the process being an awesome Mennonite daughter and allowing for an arranged marriage. . .

He gets until 8 and then I'm off to bed and he's off to somewhere other then my MSN. I am aware that I'm likely bitchy and all that because my day started off waiting 30 minutes for a bus to show - one that is suppose to run every 5-8minutes and then had to deal with the Skytrain and walking to the office etc... being late and then having to do the same thing in return 8 hours later - yay!! And on top of it all the snow means I can't get to the gym...

And yes that is Vancouver - looks fabulous doesn't it? Ya, no - bring back the flowering trees in January - that's fine with me, seriously.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sheying/307300122/

The Difference in a Week

A week ago my heart was tearing out of my chest as I dialed someone back and then raced home after service to talk, and now no phone call, no MSN, and no person. A part of me feels like it shouldn't be this way and yet there came the benediction tonight and well I cried - with palms open and outstretched I felt the reaffirmation that it has to be this way. That altering the course of God's will because we believe the ends are still His ensures that both our actions and the ends are in fact not His at all. That His timing is actually in fact - impeccable. The benediction tonight was imparting courage to follow the course - to remain steadfast - to know that the future will come clear in His time alone - a partner will come along side when His time is right, a service opportunity - the clear call given only as a passion at my baptism will be known in time, the path will be illuminated with only each step. By no means will I say I don't wish that I felt like I did last Sunday but I know how I felt last Monday too - and I know that feeling is far worse - to know what you are compelled by Christ to do and to even sit and weight it... it tears the heart, soul and mind apart.

So maybe I was right when I said I wouldn't date this year - I don't know, it definitely is not an emotional priority right now. That whole healing thing is - which we talked about a long time ago... not to mention I just can't rationalize it given the events of the last 6 months.

So about this site

I feel the only thing I'm getting out of this experience is a really good how to book for men - how to pick a username that doesn't scare me - like in the way you could be a WoW playing (all the time), Internet stalker, still live with my mother or even axe-murdering freak. So here are the suggestions.

1. Don't pick a name like MrSensual, Uncle___ (there have been a few of those), WILDHOGMAN, ezeymoney and I could go on - for those of you on the site - these are real - check them out if you don't believe me.

2. DON'T TYPE IN CAPITALS - it translates as yelling

3. Spell chekc - yes, while I typed that incorrectly on purpose - use your spell check, I'm not a gril, you aren't going to go threw life with me

4. Pictures - they are the source of your success and your downfall - variety works, and even better recent - saw one this morning that looks like it has to be at least 15 years old from the discoloration. So here's a little insight into my life when I'm really bored and have a digital camera - I do my hair and make-up like it counts not the everyday when I go to work look- and then in the natural light of Leaha's room take as many head shots as I need to get one that works - let that be your profile picture and save the Halloween shots, the up the nose shots and all the other stuff for your Flickr page. Can't do it yourself - get a friend and just keep doing it.

May this picture serve as the kind not to post - one of me doing my Botox face for Jess.

5. Don't write a profile you think we want to read because if you are still single at 50 - you haven't figured women out - saying you're sensual, that you're a softy, a ___, may work for a small number of women. But for the most part it brings to mind the picture of the overly friendly male that no one wants to get to know - the one that is always obnoxiously flirting with every woman in the room - like he's got no self control or self respect.

6. Your future mate is a person -they aren't a Barbie doll, or a made to order specimen - know that they have faults - mine most prevalently is some of my language (oops) - but that being said if you are going to be a Darrell and pull some __ out about how you have to have a pastor's wife - then put that out there right way so I can laugh at your profile and move on.

7. Know that she's out there - keep your backbone and your whits about you - to the nice guy I've talked to twice - we so aren't compatible and since I don't know you I wasn't as blunt as I would have liked to have been - you seem nice, decent - so pull yourself together man - don't play the victim card - it's even more of a turn off than you not reading.

8. I don't care about your job, seriously as long as it's legal - that is. So don't go putting your job title in the first two lines of your profile - that is unless you want someone who cares about wealth and status...

9. Don't play games with me - I'm learning pretty fast how this thing all goes down - interested that's great, not lets move on - I've got too much shit in my life to add one more person who's not interested to the mix. And there we go with the poor choice use of words.

Friends?

So as I noted before I was watching TV at the gym - what do you expect I don't have one at home? Regardless I almost fell off the treadmill today - why? Friends was on and more specifically it was the marriage between Chandler and Monica. Which got me thinking - I'm totally Monica - Leaha agreed, "You cook, are neurotic about cleaning etc..." So what's the big deal about being like Monica? We've already determined the alter personality I'm akin to is Carrie - so it's not all that bad or is it? I have to say I appreciate being a Carrie... Well here's the back story - I've been searching through the dating site and found someone's profile that made me as Shawn says - have a cheese eating grin - whateverthehell that means - he says he's been labeled a Chandler. Okay, so I know I've got Cheryl and Leaha on the same page - and that's good enough for me right now.

The issue isn't the Chandler/Monica thing (seriously) - because God only know what this individual is looking for - but from his email he's going to get this blog. See here's the deal - I put I was looking for marriage because I've got enough male friends - and dating around isn't for me. So that being said as interesting as you look and honestly really tempting the offer is - like a free pair of Louboutins would be - I just don't think I could rationalize a email conversation. As to have any form of meaningful conversation requires some level of vulnerability - and I already dish out a large degree of inner workings of my brain here.
That being said, you'll find an email in you inbox shortly telling you a different story - why? Because I love to contradict myself... makes life interesting.

But you aside - and on to Leaha - she's found herself in the situation that you (Chandler) and I might have found ourselves in - what the hell happens now? You shut it all down or do you go beyond the screens and spell checker?

Why Louboutins? No I'm not high maintenance as Leah (without the A) claims - it's well shoes are my biggest weakness far beyond any food weakness like cottage cheese perogies or even coffee.

Talked to death...

I work with predominately women and all being in some stage of relationship and me the single unmarried one in the office - what then shall we talk about but me. Single me... Seriously I'm not actively looking - if someone where to come along with serious intents then maybe that would change - strong emphasis on the maybe.

I just overall find it exhausting to deal with the social constructs that dictate goals that I don't have for my life now or know if I ever will have - and all the while trying to explain that I'm in a season of waiting - waiting is acceptable is it not? Are we not called to wait on the Lord, not blaze ahead on a path we feel we are destined for regardless of the actual timing and will of God. I realized that due to the societal constructs I am inherently a disappointment. I have yet to give birth and honestly I have no intention on doing so – I really do not want to give birth – not the whole pain issue – I do not believe it’s socially/ethically responsible in light of the number of children suffering around this world without families as such adoption is the only option for me. Marriage doesn’t float my boat either to be honest, while the concept of companionship is wonderful, I’m not sure it’s entirely necessary for me and or that it wouldn’t be a hindrance. But regardless I face the onslaught daily – the You are not married? You’re not pregnant? (No, that’s just IBS…), You are not even looking?

But at the end of the day I don't really know what to do when continually forced to deal with these questions, grace is running in short supply and at the same time there is this perception that this is your fault – this is your decision, you’re the one who walks around with red hair, it should be your natural brown or spinach in your teeth or those tattoos - all acts ensure you are single when have we ever thought to think God just doesn’t think it’s important right now – He’s working on other more important things? We all have our path right or wrong? The whole path analogy is only ever used when things are dissatisfactory for ourselves, never recognized when things in another’s life are dissatisfactory to us.

Of course in an act of hypocrisy I will not deny that there was a boy in the front row of 10th that caught my attention - but that is a whole long long ways away from me ever acknowledging him in any formal sense because as stated to death, talked about to death and my complete and utter mental break I am changing my life because I know it's needed not for a man, I don't need one to be complete and I sure as hell don't need one messing up my life right now.

Laws of Attraction - Part 2

The Laws of Attraction posting was a precursor to this discussion – hopefully it will be a discussion. The issue at the heart of attraction in many ways is the physical. While the comments didn’t indicate our physical preferences and in many respects indicated that we aren’t overly set in those regards – I’m sure if pressed we have our ideas. I would prefer to marry someone taller than me – not a huge requirement, as I’m just barely 5’5, and preferably someone who has good teeth – in general takes care of themselves oh, and I’m not a huge fan of the long hair – since I really dislike my own. But really where do our perspectives of beauty/attraction lie? My idea of handsome? My first year English professor – Dr. Stephen Collis, nope not Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom – although Legolas had me with the first arrow… weak spot for archers too apparently. Why all this? Well recently I had someone indicate I was/am attractive – the second person to do so in my life – and worse it came with mixed emotions. Note that I am not fishing for anyone else to indicate anything in regards to my appearance – see the issue it raised other than "Why tell me - what is your motivation for such a statement?", is "What is your basis for that statement?" Are you an Angelina Jolie guy? If you are that’s all good, but if you’re a Sandra Bernhard guy then I’m not so sure where that statement stands.

The mixed emotions came with concerns about the issue that “historically women have been determined by their bodies” And we still are – once a compliment leaves your lips – or a pick up line, even dare I suggest a “Hey baby!” – the gut reaction is defense, because there has been a violation – your act indicates that you are part of what I try to ignore on a daily basis, a decidedly misogynistic male gaze. As was my initial reaction to the compliment – not the current feeling per say.

But how does that work with a relationship? I know these feelings have continued to develop as I’ve aged, so I can’t say that they are going to lessen or disappear anytime soon. Is there a way to acknowledge a comment/compliment – take it at face value – no reading into it and move on – letting it neither inflate nor sour your perceptions? Or do I need to accept that my future partner (if I have one) will find me attractive and find a way to teach myself that that will not lessen my identity and independence – either in my eyes or his?

So all that being said - where do you stand on the attraction issue/debate/concept?

Postscript on the blog - if you want to see me poking fun at the industry I'm apart of - check out my Facebook page - it's a very flattering picture

About this MennoMeet business

I realized something today kind of funny about this meeting/dating site, now granted this is a generalization but the women on the site - have jobs, like real ones - nurses, doctors, lawyers, professors, in other words under job it doesn't say still on the hunt for my M.R.S.. There are vegetarians, vegans (yes not just me), there are self proclaimed feminists and the such like - so why exactly are they not married? Is the Mennonite church that ______, I was going to say backwards but I'm aware that's solely a perspective thing. These are great women - activists, compassionate, passionate, independent etc. Then contrast that with the farm boys on there - now granted I know one of them is animal friendly - but the others? One wants to ranch, another has a profile pick with a carcass! Ew, isn't even the half of my feeling about that but going all PETA on his sorry self isn't going to change that and so just wondering out loud here - how are they going to get any connections when the women are "modern" and the men are archaic?

Just something to laugh about I guess

Procrastination

After 8 years of school I've mastered it and today is a perfect example, it started with me sleeping in a hour, then dawdling out of the gym and then making a b-line for the UCM clubs day table to talk to Kirsten and Seth about the goings on of the last few months - the failed sabbatical attempt, the move and even the Mennonite "Dating" site - it's not really that but whatever, can't be picky about titles right now, primarily as I'm using Ryan's computer in Convo Mall because I couldn't manage to get mine to work... Speaking of Ryan, I'm trying to convince him to use the Menno site, for the same reasons I initially started - to get my parents off my back - at least I was doing something proactive - and like Leaha and I bemoaned we can't seem to find anything other than vanilla men out there. I know that's now a Jennism but that's the best description for what's out there - Vanilla men - weak in spirit and passion - not in the Hollywood kind, but the social justice, Christ kind, the kind of men who find it humorous to tease the vegan about her choices... what are we, 12? So I'm looking for a Cherry Garcia kind of man - sweet like the cherries, bitter/robust like the dark chocolate and has an overall complex personality to carry it... or maybe something more adventurous. But enough of the love life thing - even though my horoscope claims I should be in the throws of some kind of passionate embrace - hmm, not happening. Not that I'm really complaining to be honest - life is crazy enough as it is right now - trying to get a new job, moving in, balancing the books and the getting to the other kinds of books - which I haven't yet today. Speaking of which I have two hours to get something done. One last note, if you are out there, my horoscope man - maybe get on it, despite all my ramblings about being independent and all that I wouldn't mind if you know do something... And yes I now contradicted myself - but it's my blog and my life and I can do whatever I want right?

This is all your fault Joel...

Note: Sarcasm in use... as it normally is, and it has been edited to clarify.

It started when you managed to prove to me that all men aren't scum bags out to get what they can however they can get it. And it would have all been wonderful, except for your thing for red heads, (and yes, there were other reasons etc) and then we parted ways. I was left without my movie and chatting buddy, and you replaced me with your new online dating girlfriend - who I'm sure is lovely, seriously. So what now, after months of you being tired of my bemoaning singlehood, men in my life and all that I have to concede I have a bigger issue on my hands. And Joel it is all your fault. If you had never planted the seed of online anything in my head I would not be dealing with a crossroads, a very issue of hmm, what is this? Or more accurately how do I use this site, properly when everyone is strewn across N. America? In the end is it just a way to meet a friend?

I've met X, why not just keep him out of this right, give him privacy before he gets hauled across the type of this site later on - like all the other men in my life, honestly I'm not sure if he'd be offended or not. Anyways, a sustainable/organic farmer boy, who appreciates classic science fiction, amongst other things we've managed to discuss in essay long emails. But I sensed a hesitation in the last one, and rightfully so.

So in general with this whole online business, while I'm an all or nothing girl when it comes to honesty and all that - it can be all to easy to pour it all out in type and not consider that those words may never leave your lips, at least not so edited and constructed. I find myself wondering, do the spaces in between mater - both land and personal? It's not like I'm trying to define the conversation, nor am I using this as a venue to start that conversation - let me be clear about that. It's just that an friendly conversation, but where are the borders? Does it ever have to, have borders if it's a friendship? If it isn't just that when or where does that conversation take place. It struck me when Cheryl commented that who knows how many people are talking like this to other people at the same time? And then I remember back to you Joel, and our months of talking, your patience to warm me up to the idea I had been trying to avoid. You proved people can't talk like this for a long period of time without some kind of emotional investment. Even worse is to invest without any idea of what would happen, then the two worlds literally collide, and implode.

For the record, yes it was mutual - but yes, we were in the long run not compatible and from your current situation I we can both agree you're better off, right?

Temptation

While I would love to say I'm being tempted by food, I'm not and really have not been of late, it’s a curious thing this vegan lifestyle. I’ve had near perfect skin, but yet I can tell you my body is sensitive now, maybe as it should be. After a busy week I feel it – exhaustion that is, and the good kind – like the “I worked hard, my body kind of aches, time for a night with a Suduko puzzle and Max to regenerate kind.” Another curiosity is I can now burn/tan, for the last 3 years I could have paid good money to gain a stitch of color – just a stitch. But no luck and yet last week after about an hour maybe two in the morning sun with Melissa and I was redder then my glorious hair, hmm.

Regardless, a food temptation is still easy to get around, just remove yourself from situation, if you aren’t staring at the carton of cookie dough ice cream then maybe you are not actually craving it, have a cup of peppermint tea - and if that does not work remember the very last time you consumed that product - yes it may be a little hazy taste-wise but the pain, oh the pain - that is well remembered.

So if food is not my temptation, then what are they? One a beautiful tagine on Sur la Table's website (anything on their site is tempting to be honest – wok, steamers, or a comal, second Stella McCartney pumps on E-Bay and the last and most pressing - most likely the root of the other two - the cursed dating site, more specifically a response from someone, anyone? I am at the point where I am ready to quit - but not before finding a way to get through to everyone on that site. It is not a dating site at its heart, or if it is, it is not being used as such; instead it is collections of friends posting on each other’s sites. In doing so it’s become like Facebook, and when they possibly venture past their friends sites, the first thing seen on my profile is "Hometown: Vancouver." What’s so wrong with Vancouver? Just because I do not live in Kansas or Indiana, I’m some how not even worthy of any type of message. I love Vancouver, I mean just look at the city coming into the downtown core – it’s beautiful, clean (when there is no civic strike) and it’s got all you could ever need in its neat little package. That being said, sure I live here for now, but does not mean it's going to stay that way forever, or even longer than two years. But whatever, I keep feeling like this whole process, the ugly frustration of being ignored is enough for me to say who cares, this is obviously a confirmation that I am meant to be single… I feel a little theme song coming on, so to rectify all of the above, I’m first buying new running shoes – I’ve been due for months, two going for a run, three, doing the Grind, and if at the end of all that and my marathon cooking session the thought of buying those Stella heels is burning through my mind I’m quitting the site, then if worst comes to best, buying a pair – in the end is it really that bad to top a good workout, cooking weekend with a pair?

Boy, Oh Boy...

If you aren't a reader of my other blog, you should be, because then you would know that I just this past weekend sojourned across the border to the land of the catcall and pickup line. I know the US is known for a lot of other things, but apparently sexually aggressive men is one of their lesser known commodities. I've said it before - I don't look at you like that so don't look at me like that, and I guess I can expand that to - if you wouldn't say that with your mother next to you, then why would you say that? It wasn't just the lame pick up attempt or the cat call, every service guy seems to not be aware that the line between customer service friendly and trying to get my number number friendly is one that they've crossed. It's unnerving and offensive at times.
And at the same time I cannot seem to get anyone interested in me on this dating site. Yes I'm aware of the hypocrisy of that statement. Yes, I have made it public that I believe I'm not to marry - and maybe all this is evidence of that. I'm not sure. But I do find it a big fascinating as a whole, when I've made the attempt to be friendly - and the response has been cold - versus the one blond, feminist none the less gets the attention. Hmm. Well in the end at least I've found another vegan, tattoo menno - so I guess the two of us can join forces in our attempts...

The pic? Well lets just say that's a pretty good representation of the guys who tried quite lamely I might add to pick us up on Friday night. It's couresty of http://flickr.com/photos/74561290@N00/