Er, Wow...

It's funny to try and define emotions, especially when all you're left with are words so commonly used that they've lost their meaning in an a culture over-saturated with the superficial and the aesthetics. All our words or phrases related to romantic affections are tainted - like, love, beauty, butterflies, tingliness, the foot pop kiss. Yes even that elusive foot pop kiss. And yet I find myself trying to use these words as inadequate as they are to describe, contain or bring further into form feelings, emotions that I have no reference for. The thing I find so bizarre and yet calming is just that peace - I have peace about this - the kind of go to bed and sleep sound - not tossing and turning anxiety. There is no weight on my heart, soul or mind - it's just a feeling of progress where this may lead.

You know where it led today? Valentine's Day cards, standing in Celebration at lunch, starring at Valentine's Day cards and wondering if I had entered some parallel universe because other than elementary school I honestly can't remember a time I have consciously stood there and debated and since they don't have a card for our current situation - I turned my attentions elsewhere - yes maybe it was lame but I figured - this is going long term I get to go all cheesy next year - make up for all the years I cursed the commercialization of affections... still with you in spirit on it Jocelyn though I figure Leaha and I are for the time excommunicated from the we hate romantic holidays and loathe boys club... can't say I'm complaining, sorry but I can't...

Okay, so I promise the emotionally intense Jenn will be departing for sometime and the angsty one will return since my books came from Chapters - so hopefully like Shawn says my other personality can come out and play...



http://www.flickr.com/photos/lyndsayhphoto/2184456914/in/photostream/

Well now...

What to say? I think the stupid happy smile is going to make it hard to avoid the topic of Three with my parents - thankfully I don't live with them and rather I live with Leaha who's face has had the same I like a boy and a boy likes me smile for the last few weeks. So likely as it has for Leaha my brain is going to have a difficult time not turning to mush. Hopefully work and my big stack of books that have come from Chapters will keep me occupied. In the mean time to keep ya'll occupied. The following - now I do have to warn all you picky music lovers - it is country. But even if you have to put it on mute and watch it - I love the binary and that both scenes have dancing. While you won't see me dancing in a pew any time soon - it's the whole being a Mennonite thing - I don't feel like it's a natural expression in that setting - not that it's not in general - just for me it isn't. Regardless I don't believe that what we are taught, that dancing leads to sex is fair - let's be honest just about anything hormonal teenagers do together could lead to sex... but that's a whole other blog.

Music or no music - I love the visuals - then again that's just me, the neurotic literature person - I spend the majority of my day dissecting the elements and influences in media - just for the heck of it...

So I think I have an answer...

It's not an answer I will write in stone - I've got two very important phone calls to make tomorrow - one to my friend of a decade plus - the girl who has loved me through every crazy crush I've ever had and the one I loved through her elopement etc - Tasha, and my mentor of almost half a decade - Seth. Both I'm due to talk to about said situation. But to be honest I know Tasha's answer and Seth's too... that's what time gets you - predictable counsel - not necessarily a good thing or maybe it's a sign of spiritual growth - I know the boundaries clearer - the yes' and no's...

Regardless - I finished Sex God today, and I have to say wow, there's a lot to take in and I don't know if any other book could have applied to this situation as well, and yet I'm conscious it applies to a multitude of situations completely different than mine. Rob Bell said something profound to me, oh one of zero self censorship

"It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit

and thoughts

and fears

and future

and hopes

and dreams...

that is being naked" (156-157).

Now granted I haven't had sex, so we can't comment on that aspect, but it made me realize something - that for all the transparency I attempt to convey through this format, it's actually for one not, and two it's a replacement of the genuine form we all desire. Now let me clarify - I do attempt to be transparent, but it is very clear that I can't nor will I stand emotionally naked for everyone, it's not feasible. We do in rare cases show skin to those we grow to trust, but for the most part we do a really good job at teasing while keeping as much on has humanly possible. That too is in part an issue I know I have as much as a part of me has the fear of not specifically commitment but more so of losing myself in the whole process, but also there is this fear that ties to that whole losing of one's self in the transparency - the more open I become with someone the more I have to trust that they see me as God does and not with ulterior motives - and yes I am conscious we all have our ulterior motives... so here we are - with an answer and yet no answer and almost 24hours to spare. Did I mention I'm not patient?

To occupy sometime - a wonderful song we were introduced to tonight:

Wonderful Tonight...

So my day didn't turn out how I had planned – didn’t make it to Donald’s to pick up essentials – I’ll have to do that tomorrow if I get out of the office on time or I’ll go over to Safeway on my lunch so I can limp along – the tofu didn’t get a chance to marinate – and made chick’n strips instead – and it was the worst batch yet… oh well, the bathroom is still messy but since I’ll be showering at the gym this week I’ll get to ignore it…regardless like most things that have not gone according to plan in my life - I can say I would not have been able to plan the outcome as well. That's the unique thing about our plans - we can try to determine the course - we can even maintain the course but eventually we come back to where we are to be - and on that path we surprisingly find the greatest peace and reassurance - a reminder that we are headed in the right direction not only by how we feel internally but also by the dialogue that surrounds us.

So while I would like to talk about Three I’ve decided to chart a new course – in my "relationship" with Three – how the whole thing evolves and in how it is on this blog – he’ll get mentioned, but like Leaha said of Online Boy there is no way to discuss it – do it justice, maintain the special/sacred nature of something that is developing and also in the end not sound crazy. But I do have to say this - there have been very few who have left me with abdominal pain or a feeling of blissful asphyxia from laughing so hard.

So on that note I’ve got a cup of Peppermint tea to finish, a journal to write in and a bed that is angry we didn’t get to spend more time together today. But right now to replay a song...

One thing to add while journaling the following came into the mix:

Quite the Day

I feel like one act has changed the course - that yes there is hope and it isn't found in K* - contrary to what was said before the third time maybe the charm. That's about all I can say - aside from awesome taste in music, support of my left wing veganism and pacifism... The following a sample of the list I was suggested - I've got a lot of listening to do to get up to speed apparently I've been missing out on a lot.

True to my word

I promised Leaha that three strikes and I would quit - well quit I have.

Emotionally Exhausted

One of the main reasons I just finished off more double chocolate brownie with mocha butter-cream (all vegan of course) than I would have ever wanted too, or crave the gym, or love my Linkin Park and Lily Allen or curse girly movies (like Pretty in Pink) - is that this online thing has sucked every emotion out of my body and yet left me wanting the one thing it will never provide human touch... It's crazy but Shelby sealed the deal - I just don't know if I can fathom interaction with/talking/dating anytime soon - after almost 10 months of on and off online dating I am left with 1 friend - E, one failed date - J, and whatever else the others of late have been. The thing is like Cheryl just brought up - while online formats offer safety they require so much more from you emotionally. There is no opportunity to have a date and screen someone on intuition and body language. Instead you talk and talk and wait for someone to say or do something - a marker or some trigger unknown to the other person. Unfortunately that can take some time - meanwhile you have no way to even judge the other's true thoughts - you have no social frame of reference.

So that being said I'm going to bed to the sounds of Fort Minor and praying I don't feel the brownie subconsciously on my ass tomorrow morning...

Boys Suck?

Well I would be the first to say that is the case - especially considering I'm blogging instead of talking to Mr. Third Strike boy - I don't know what else to call him - I know the moniker puts him in a hole off the get go - but the thing is he is in a hole already... said he'd be online and well I want to go to bed - so get online or I'm moving on - I've got no patience for this shit - really I don't.

So here's the deal - if he goes south more so then his current residence I'm resigning my dating license and letting my dad take a go at screwing up my social life - and in the process being an awesome Mennonite daughter and allowing for an arranged marriage. . .

He gets until 8 and then I'm off to bed and he's off to somewhere other then my MSN. I am aware that I'm likely bitchy and all that because my day started off waiting 30 minutes for a bus to show - one that is suppose to run every 5-8minutes and then had to deal with the Skytrain and walking to the office etc... being late and then having to do the same thing in return 8 hours later - yay!! And on top of it all the snow means I can't get to the gym...

And yes that is Vancouver - looks fabulous doesn't it? Ya, no - bring back the flowering trees in January - that's fine with me, seriously.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sheying/307300122/

The Difference in a Week

A week ago my heart was tearing out of my chest as I dialed someone back and then raced home after service to talk, and now no phone call, no MSN, and no person. A part of me feels like it shouldn't be this way and yet there came the benediction tonight and well I cried - with palms open and outstretched I felt the reaffirmation that it has to be this way. That altering the course of God's will because we believe the ends are still His ensures that both our actions and the ends are in fact not His at all. That His timing is actually in fact - impeccable. The benediction tonight was imparting courage to follow the course - to remain steadfast - to know that the future will come clear in His time alone - a partner will come along side when His time is right, a service opportunity - the clear call given only as a passion at my baptism will be known in time, the path will be illuminated with only each step. By no means will I say I don't wish that I felt like I did last Sunday but I know how I felt last Monday too - and I know that feeling is far worse - to know what you are compelled by Christ to do and to even sit and weight it... it tears the heart, soul and mind apart.

So maybe I was right when I said I wouldn't date this year - I don't know, it definitely is not an emotional priority right now. That whole healing thing is - which we talked about a long time ago... not to mention I just can't rationalize it given the events of the last 6 months.

So about this site

I feel the only thing I'm getting out of this experience is a really good how to book for men - how to pick a username that doesn't scare me - like in the way you could be a WoW playing (all the time), Internet stalker, still live with my mother or even axe-murdering freak. So here are the suggestions.

1. Don't pick a name like MrSensual, Uncle___ (there have been a few of those), WILDHOGMAN, ezeymoney and I could go on - for those of you on the site - these are real - check them out if you don't believe me.

2. DON'T TYPE IN CAPITALS - it translates as yelling

3. Spell chekc - yes, while I typed that incorrectly on purpose - use your spell check, I'm not a gril, you aren't going to go threw life with me

4. Pictures - they are the source of your success and your downfall - variety works, and even better recent - saw one this morning that looks like it has to be at least 15 years old from the discoloration. So here's a little insight into my life when I'm really bored and have a digital camera - I do my hair and make-up like it counts not the everyday when I go to work look- and then in the natural light of Leaha's room take as many head shots as I need to get one that works - let that be your profile picture and save the Halloween shots, the up the nose shots and all the other stuff for your Flickr page. Can't do it yourself - get a friend and just keep doing it.

May this picture serve as the kind not to post - one of me doing my Botox face for Jess.

5. Don't write a profile you think we want to read because if you are still single at 50 - you haven't figured women out - saying you're sensual, that you're a softy, a ___, may work for a small number of women. But for the most part it brings to mind the picture of the overly friendly male that no one wants to get to know - the one that is always obnoxiously flirting with every woman in the room - like he's got no self control or self respect.

6. Your future mate is a person -they aren't a Barbie doll, or a made to order specimen - know that they have faults - mine most prevalently is some of my language (oops) - but that being said if you are going to be a Darrell and pull some __ out about how you have to have a pastor's wife - then put that out there right way so I can laugh at your profile and move on.

7. Know that she's out there - keep your backbone and your whits about you - to the nice guy I've talked to twice - we so aren't compatible and since I don't know you I wasn't as blunt as I would have liked to have been - you seem nice, decent - so pull yourself together man - don't play the victim card - it's even more of a turn off than you not reading.

8. I don't care about your job, seriously as long as it's legal - that is. So don't go putting your job title in the first two lines of your profile - that is unless you want someone who cares about wealth and status...

9. Don't play games with me - I'm learning pretty fast how this thing all goes down - interested that's great, not lets move on - I've got too much shit in my life to add one more person who's not interested to the mix. And there we go with the poor choice use of words.

Friends?

So as I noted before I was watching TV at the gym - what do you expect I don't have one at home? Regardless I almost fell off the treadmill today - why? Friends was on and more specifically it was the marriage between Chandler and Monica. Which got me thinking - I'm totally Monica - Leaha agreed, "You cook, are neurotic about cleaning etc..." So what's the big deal about being like Monica? We've already determined the alter personality I'm akin to is Carrie - so it's not all that bad or is it? I have to say I appreciate being a Carrie... Well here's the back story - I've been searching through the dating site and found someone's profile that made me as Shawn says - have a cheese eating grin - whateverthehell that means - he says he's been labeled a Chandler. Okay, so I know I've got Cheryl and Leaha on the same page - and that's good enough for me right now.

The issue isn't the Chandler/Monica thing (seriously) - because God only know what this individual is looking for - but from his email he's going to get this blog. See here's the deal - I put I was looking for marriage because I've got enough male friends - and dating around isn't for me. So that being said as interesting as you look and honestly really tempting the offer is - like a free pair of Louboutins would be - I just don't think I could rationalize a email conversation. As to have any form of meaningful conversation requires some level of vulnerability - and I already dish out a large degree of inner workings of my brain here.
That being said, you'll find an email in you inbox shortly telling you a different story - why? Because I love to contradict myself... makes life interesting.

But you aside - and on to Leaha - she's found herself in the situation that you (Chandler) and I might have found ourselves in - what the hell happens now? You shut it all down or do you go beyond the screens and spell checker?

Why Louboutins? No I'm not high maintenance as Leah (without the A) claims - it's well shoes are my biggest weakness far beyond any food weakness like cottage cheese perogies or even coffee.

About this MennoMeet business

I realized something today kind of funny about this meeting/dating site, now granted this is a generalization but the women on the site - have jobs, like real ones - nurses, doctors, lawyers, professors, in other words under job it doesn't say still on the hunt for my M.R.S.. There are vegetarians, vegans (yes not just me), there are self proclaimed feminists and the such like - so why exactly are they not married? Is the Mennonite church that ______, I was going to say backwards but I'm aware that's solely a perspective thing. These are great women - activists, compassionate, passionate, independent etc. Then contrast that with the farm boys on there - now granted I know one of them is animal friendly - but the others? One wants to ranch, another has a profile pick with a carcass! Ew, isn't even the half of my feeling about that but going all PETA on his sorry self isn't going to change that and so just wondering out loud here - how are they going to get any connections when the women are "modern" and the men are archaic?

Just something to laugh about I guess

This is all your fault Joel...

Note: Sarcasm in use... as it normally is, and it has been edited to clarify.

It started when you managed to prove to me that all men aren't scum bags out to get what they can however they can get it. And it would have all been wonderful, except for your thing for red heads, (and yes, there were other reasons etc) and then we parted ways. I was left without my movie and chatting buddy, and you replaced me with your new online dating girlfriend - who I'm sure is lovely, seriously. So what now, after months of you being tired of my bemoaning singlehood, men in my life and all that I have to concede I have a bigger issue on my hands. And Joel it is all your fault. If you had never planted the seed of online anything in my head I would not be dealing with a crossroads, a very issue of hmm, what is this? Or more accurately how do I use this site, properly when everyone is strewn across N. America? In the end is it just a way to meet a friend?

I've met X, why not just keep him out of this right, give him privacy before he gets hauled across the type of this site later on - like all the other men in my life, honestly I'm not sure if he'd be offended or not. Anyways, a sustainable/organic farmer boy, who appreciates classic science fiction, amongst other things we've managed to discuss in essay long emails. But I sensed a hesitation in the last one, and rightfully so.

So in general with this whole online business, while I'm an all or nothing girl when it comes to honesty and all that - it can be all to easy to pour it all out in type and not consider that those words may never leave your lips, at least not so edited and constructed. I find myself wondering, do the spaces in between mater - both land and personal? It's not like I'm trying to define the conversation, nor am I using this as a venue to start that conversation - let me be clear about that. It's just that an friendly conversation, but where are the borders? Does it ever have to, have borders if it's a friendship? If it isn't just that when or where does that conversation take place. It struck me when Cheryl commented that who knows how many people are talking like this to other people at the same time? And then I remember back to you Joel, and our months of talking, your patience to warm me up to the idea I had been trying to avoid. You proved people can't talk like this for a long period of time without some kind of emotional investment. Even worse is to invest without any idea of what would happen, then the two worlds literally collide, and implode.

For the record, yes it was mutual - but yes, we were in the long run not compatible and from your current situation I we can both agree you're better off, right?