Things That Make You Go...

Grrr - that so did not work.

My therapist spent the last part of the time today discussing my body language towards men, and how I can accept it and yet not - in other words how to ignore the lookey loos etc and let that cute barista boy looking my way know that if I like my latte he's cool in my books. Well apparently I mixed up the instructions or the first one was a dud regardless, because for the first time in 6 months of being on transit for 2+ hours a day I got a clingy drug using/illegal job/poor hint taker for a seat buddy. Gawd boy take a hint. Anyways I am off to try my f*off world body posture again tomorrow, or not, hopefully not, seriously.

So on to the other thing she's making/urging/being paid to advise me on - men. Yeppers, men. I get to talk about them all the time now - supposedly this is the time I'm suppose to talk about them, you sure? Apparently she is and now is the best time for me to figure out who I am and what I want when I've got no worries about a single external issue effecting those two. Huh... well she's the professional right, and I'm really only a professional at singledom.

So first things first - the easier one... a list of characteristics I'm looking for. That's easy right? Not really see the list isn't like one of those where I write down that my fantasy guy would run a bubble bath in a freshly bleached tub and while I'm in, he'd there scrub my floors. It's suppose to be about those things that make my grandparents my relationship template - what do they have for each other... more work for me. I know one thing he needs to have innately after today's session, the ability to turn me into a bumbling, tummy turning, dry mouth idiot for the first part - that can't really continue - I mean the bumbling will, but the other two while an awesome diet plan aren't good long term symptoms... apparently I can have that all.


Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/lyndsayhphoto/2184456914/

Running...

I've noted before the euphoria of sorts that occurs when I plat, plat, plat, my stress away on the treadmill, even more high inducing with awesome tunes like Coldplay and Kayne West's Homecoming. Despite my love the for the movement of black rubber in a oval pattern, I am aware not all running is good.

We have a tendency to run in our lives, run all over "hell and back," and be pulled in all directions. Spiritual running does the same a running in life - it feels good for the moment, you think you've avoided the issue, shed the stress until you wake up in the night with a leg cramp, or a sore right arch. The issues are still there, your stressors are still there and now you're just sore (not to deter anyone from exercise - just saying). The issue with physical running is that in the end it will more then likely contribute to your health, spiritual running has a tendency to do the opposite.

When we're running from God, we indirectly become acutely aware of how fragile we are as He is truly omnipresent - the weight sinks in, sleep is fractured and yet we have a tendency to pick up the pace, shove as many people, things, events between ourselves and God in the hopes to distract Him or distract ourselves. We are like Jonah, while we don't run on trade ships we do it with work, relationships, people. I've done it, most notably my second semester at Simon Fraser, I knew the medical school dream as a mirage and yet I took on more courses, more of everything - I was going to eat that sand if it killed me but I wasn't going to sit there and talk it out with God. Through that time I was in the whale and I do believe that God does do that to us, impose a whale prison when we just can't seem to get it. These days I find the thought of a whale circling in the spiritual waters below me is enough to get me to change my course. But it's not to say it's easy - believing that He has wonderful plans, greater then we could imagine is easy when life is easy, it's brutally and at times life alteringly hard when we want what He's directing us away from. I've grown to hold onto a saying that's been thrown more and more these days - the pain though raw now is brief, the pain later will be that much greater. In that sure we can't imagine making those decisions, but we need to because while we are being directed away from what we want, we are being directed towards what He desires for our lives.

It's one of those life lessons we do spend hours in aquatic animal's belly figuring out, while we maybe in the gut of another, He gives us our own gut feelings for a reason, and they normally require that we act. If the source or the purpose of those feelings swirling inside you is unknown then take the time to sit with Him and find a respite from the running in the silence.

While the song isn't about Jonah, it is about another pivotal decision and of course a song I love for the truth in the relationship between God and us.



Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/benjamin_marra_illustrations/2416100795/

Silence

As of late I've repeatedly heard: "What's wrong with you," "Where'd you go," "Where did this all come from" and "Are you sure you're not settling."

Well first of all the silence has come for many reasons - I've been forced by my body on a few occasions as of late to be asleep by 7:30pm, plain and simple I'm tired - I'm learning more or less on my own how to: book surgeries, maintain waitlists, run an office - ie. keep everyone happy, fire staff, hire staff (yes already to both of those), Quickbooks, payroll, write cheques - all while screening patients on the days I'm in the office with my boss and trying not to go crazy. The new job alone is enough to keep me away from a computer and bordering on insanity most days. It's slowly getting better but not anytime in the immediate future will it be where I need it to be, to feel like I know what I'm doing.

The second reason for the silence is as my mother put it in an email to Shawn yesterday - "In other words she was pondering the wonder of it but couldn't bring herself to speak about it for fear that it would disappear as the morning dew (my mom's words). Now, when she speaks her words are there and she is letting everyone know (who cares to listen) how wonderful, unique and special person you are." I know I internalize - a deliberately silent processor of life - for me it ensures that my decisions are my decisions - that I'm not swayed by public consensus - it is my life after all and I've only got myself to hold accountable for my decisions. Once a decision is made if I desire input, a sounding board then sure I'll seek it out. Right now I am making decisions for myself. I understand there are those who say I'm not the way I was, that I'm being selfish, that I'm putting myself before others. That may be the case, but those others aren't in my body and they aren't in my brain. When I need sleep, I need sleep and when I need a day to myself to process life and decompress after a more or less whirlwind 3 weeks, then I get, it's my choice.
As to the initial questions – I went to Florida – and now I’m back… if you can’t find me now I’m either in Vancouver or Surrey mumbling to myself about how much I love this new job…. This all came from a relationship that started back in October and has grown – I realize that most of you aren’t aware that we’ve talked in some form – MSN or phone almost everyday since that time – minus the odd time out. As to settling – I believe those before Shawn would have been settling – this no way – I have found someone who is beyond what I could have imagined (like working in the same field and having a B last name) – someone who understands all of this and supports it, as well as loving me and I feel so incredibly blessed to have him and the community that surrounds him in my life.

Um Thanks... Mom

I realize the delay in posting have lead some to wonder about the nature of the events that occurred - while you were being impatient you should have just read Shawn's blog. However, that being said, here is the after post to go with the before.

There have been a few reasons in the delay for posting, one notably being the necessity to digest the emotions - to weed through what was exhaustion, what was good and what needed to be discussed without y'all involved. That whole without y'all involved aspect is increasingly important as I realized today. In that I don't feel like using the blog to corner someone else into starting a conversation about MY feelings. They are mine, and I should be able to, when I am with someone I feel comfortable enough to be me with, to express those feelings. I am. Thus y'all aren't needed for any side picking. But you can stick around and see what we see and all the things we don't.

One such thing was a conversation I just had with my mother - we've talked quite a bit tonight, basically about one large issue/theme/topic - which she approached with apprehension and wisdom to the point that I would love to spend Sunday with her - talking, having coffee and relaxing- God willing, I get Saturday off and that can happen. Regardless she ended her conversation tonight with a comment that garnered the um, thanks(?) mom. I said it's all downhill from here - commenting on my impending birthday and she said actually no, you want to know how old I was when I met your father? Err, I don't know mom - 40? Is that the safe answer you want me to say. Apparently she was 26 and 27 when she married him...

Thanks for the information, Mom - I love messing with your brain too.

A Moment in Time

Leaha suggested that I blog somewhat of a before and after for my emotions. The thing is I don't know if I am able to convey my emotions all that well at the moment - my actions maybe would be better:

1. Half eaten, laboured through bowl of shredded wheat, strawberries and soy milk
2. 3 items already found that should have been packed
3. A spider left to live due to my emotional apathy towards it
4. A sink of dishes my OCD is unable to compel me to do
5. Unmade bed at the moment, though not that messy
6. Silence - no music seems to capture what I am feeling - it's a lot of I think I'll listen to that and then changing my mind...

Basically I'm an emotional mess, a collection of colliding atoms: excitement, stress, fatigue, fear (flying) and anticipation of the unknown or known and all I want right now is that cinnamon bun I have hiding in the back of the freezer, a large cup of Starbucks coffee to go along with Edwina Hayes

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/wnn/1284378391/

Ack!

Life without a computer, is like life without coffee - depressing, frustrating and inevitably leads to brain fog - the kind of October morning on the Hill kind of fog (it's normally thicker then this, but that wouldn't make a good picture now would it?).

I wanted to blog last night, but seeing as my laptop is residing at my parent's house, I am now left to try and gather my thoughts at work... The overwhelming thought right now for me - is wow, I have a lot to do and I'm not sure my current intake of 1/2 black coffee and 1/2 chocolate soy milk is going to enable me to accomplish everything I need to do, or just serve to further irritate my IBS. Likely the later considering I'm on the second cup... While I'm a little concerned about starting to train for my new job, I feel like somehow I'm being blessed with the head space for it and honestly I'm more concerned about finding a hat, flip flops, getting my white blouse back from the dry cleaners, re-doing my nails, doing my remaining laundry and in general ensuring that I get to Florida in one piece. So my brain is full of all those feelings and the occasional feeling that I should have chosen a different pair of shoes today - darn pointed toe, 3 inch slingback Ann Klein's are killing my left arch today, and my stomach is full of coffee and soy... So may this blog serve to indicate that while I am capable of eloquent, intellegent thought at times - today is not one of those days, so check out the recipe blog and distract yourself with the wonders of tempeh or as Leaha did today Isa's Chocolate Chip cookies...

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/paulman/288704096/

One Change at a Time?

I guess the saying is true, when it rains it pours, and being a Vancouverite you'd think I would be comfortable with the saying, however I am not. I'm not because it apparently occurs in real life and isn't a cliche saying or idiom ingrained into our vernacular. I can't nor will I say that the changes occurring right now are horrible or undesirable, but they are stressful. Changes? Plural? You were thinking there was just the one. For whatever reason at this time there has been more changes heading my way.

So first of all, yes to be clear, and if you haven't seen the change on my Facebook status there is someone in my life - that someone is a frequent commenter. Enough said on that subject - there will be more in time. One of the main reasons is there is the additional change of a trip booked for next week. To where and when and all that really doesn't need to be here - so sorry no details - while I'm under the impression you'd have to be horribly delusional to stalk me, I figure that is normally the kind that go about doing that, so that information is not for public consumption. Now the other change - well I have a new job, I wasn't expecting it and to be honest I still don't know how to feel about how it all came to be - it was a job I wanted two years ago, but one I know looking back I was in no position to take on and now? Now I wonder if I'm still prepared to take it on. Regardless of how I feel, I know it's good for me financially and career wise... however it's not good for my anxiety level right now...

Between the impending trip, a new job next week!! and trying to learn how to communicate with someone else when my habit is to communicate with a tub of Italian Vanilla Tofulatti and a movie or better yet a treadmill.

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/apesara/2146031745/

3 Cookies later

I still have a tummy ache, or more so I've got a combined sugar rush and anxious stomach cramp. Can't say though I would have avoided the chocolate though, and really I was just doing my roommate duty and providing my LeeLee with sugar, chocolate and in addition I provided her with a variety of musical options for her driving cd. However, one has started an issue here - Griffin House's Rembrandt ad/song - now for those of you who haven't seen it and may be remotely sentimental at this moment or anything along those lines don't play it - you have been warned, also while we are at it don't listen to John Mayer's "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room." Why the odd music selection? Leaha asked about the name of the John Mayer song I posted a while back and now we are listening to the live version at Webster Hall - while Leaha swears she'll never survive another breakup, and I say who cares about the lyrics - while they are great, the song surprisingly makes me want to dance. Yes, I am a Mennonite girl, but deep down I think we (Menno girls) have some kind of rhythm or something along those lines. And the Rembrandt song? Well I found Griffin House's MySpace page a long time ago and had it bookmarked and offered it to Leaha. But being relatively sane the music must end or I will go completely emotionally sideways in ways I would rather not consider. I'm off to let some hot water clear my brain and hopefully aid in a good night's sleep.

Why, oh why do I think like that...

Jocelyn and I had our pseudo-weekly say everything you can say in an hour session before the Starbucks closes. Jocelyn is dealing with the ghost of medical school, a slightly ominous form that seems to follow around intelligent, socially conscious and slightly deranged individuals. It's a ghost/demon or whatever your relationship with it has determined it to be in your mind. For me it was like the bad relationship ex, named MS. When you're in the middle of it, you know it's not what you want, you know that for certain, it's messy, it's painful and it takes so much more work then it should. So you garner the courage to leave, to try and define yourself apart from it, you deal with all the well meaning friends and family asking how MS is, and then one day, normally after a long arduous season, you start to think about MS, how nice it was to have them in your life and then you start pursuing it again.

For me it took pursuing MS again in 2005-2006 to realize that all "he" did was ___ up my life (just like someone else but well that's another blog) - it was time to burn everything in sight (did that for the someone it was great) and pick myself up and say over and over - MS does not define me, it does not mean I failed, and it does not mean that I cannot make the difference I want to see in this world.

I said to Jocelyn last night, that's your ex to deal with, I will not be the nagging girlfriend telling you you're better without MS, because you know what? Regret is a greater ex to deal with and I don't think you need two ex's following you around.

But just before we left I said you know the hardest thing I found with the whole MS thing is it's jealous, there is no room for anything else - you are forced to put everything else aside and since the idea of doing that for 3 years for myself right now is causing me frustration - I can't imagine doing it for 4-5 years. Why is it that it feels like we both are at a point where you start to hear yourself say while my bed is lonely and cold at times, but I would rather not have to factor someone else in right now. In that I don't want to worry about whether we can move to Costa Rice for UNPeace, or if we can move to an area of conflict so I can write, research and report... or maybe just the general feeling that I had last night in service - I have no idea where my life is headed and I know it needs to be just me on this journey for the next while.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/xeeliz/97220837/

Opposites

Leaha and I are opposites in so many wonderful ways, I'm an OCD cleaner and she doesn't see the necessity for such neurosis, she's laid back, more open, a laugh-er, a giver and a lover of people. It is that lover of people, specifically the ability to maintain a committed relationship that sets us apart. She mentioned this morning that she never stays at a job long, where as I, I can't seem to get the spine to leave - to leave jobs I should have a long time ago because they can't see me anymore and take me for granted. As we know from my blogging, the idea of a long term committed relationship is as difficult for me to do as it is for Leaha to desire to be a shift manager. Why is that? We can be respectively committed to opposite yet realistically similar situations. Men and Money/Job - you love and hate them, they consume you, they determine the course of your life and apparently they have this ability to intertwine themselves into your life in a way you never expected and/or desired to the point where leaving is next to impossible regardless of the situation. And yet there are those moments where it's good - where your job is rewarding, uplifting and peaceful, just like a relationship. I guess both can be bad and both can be good. Regardless we still seem to fall into the same pattern - neglect the good, and cherish the bad...

My muffins are done, and my coffee cold - I guess I should have timed that better... back to my supposed blogging break.

Oh, Donald...

Jocelyn and I often have coffee after Tenth - and last week we were talking about the fall-out from Three. One thing Jocelyn said has been rolling around in my brain, or more so colliding like an out of control pin-ball is, "I want to have an intellectual crush on a guy...." It's funny, we function/interact with a society that wants to have a physical crush on someone - a lust based attraction to a girl's "rack" or a guy's six pack - or anything else that the person can provide - a commercialization of a person, which is ultimately what lust is, the concern for personal gratification/need above another's need. It's funny she said this in regards to Three because the issue of lust itself has also been pin-balling around my brain as well, looking back I see lust and the overall focus of self in him - in the way I was treated and more so in the way it ended - when the fantasy of who I was going to be - of how I was going to make his life whatever he desired crashed with the realization that I was not that person or had no desire to be that person his response was one counter to what I would consider normal and rather much like Amnon - I was the guilty party - I was the one to be vilified - I was the one who failed in the fulfilling the fantasy. It's made me conscious of this issue to the point where I would have to agree with Jocelyn but in reverse - I would like someone to have an intellectual crush on me - to see the brain first and foremost, but ya I can't say I don't agree with Jocelyn - I guess that's one thing that does make me a little odd, I'm looking for a smart boy - does such a thing exist? I jest, not worries, there are plenty of you out there I know this already - like Donald Miller...

Change (Revised/Clarified?)

According to statistics, 90% of us are unable or unwilling to change,* and yet that is not to say we can't. We still have the opportunity to change our lifestyles - diet, exercise, giving, everyday social interaction, and yet we are unable to change who we fundamentally are - that comes through grace and a transformation, that while it does involve us, it has to ability to be ultimately more life altering and ultimately eternal unlike any dietary or exercise routine could ever be. While most of us know this is occurring - Ken reaffirmed tonight a change I've been conscious of more so as of late - the world - and the change of me in it, or just it changing around me or both. Those changes are shaping a new path, a regeneration of sorts, a clarity - a clarity that "your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in your hands" Delirious. We sang that song tonight, and it provided an articulation of the recent year - I have gone from blessing to blessing and now I sit, in the sense that there is no immediate visible change - no move, no new job - and yet it is a moment where I can consciously sense change - a change that I am being to realize is/will be greater then what has occurred and yet more difficult.

As of late there has been some concern voiced as of late that there is a preoccupation with a relationship, this is to the detriment of my character, my intellect. For one I would like to say that we are all wired for community and right now first and foremost I am seeking community and not a relationship - if that was all I wanted that is a void easily filled, but God has called me to be wise about who I open my heart to and a random guy is not it. So to the issue of community, when I graduated and even when I returned to SFU, I found that there was no place within the university community for me - due to age, experience etc. Then I left Willingdon in the Fall, and I left what was my church community for my life - my youth kids, my mentors and people I had grown up with - the kids being the ones I was most directly in contact with. And now I am in the middle of my own life change - in time availability, interests and direction, much like my peers, as such it has come time for me to actively seek new community. I am consciously seeking like-minded individuals and yes many happen to be single - both men and women - as their lifestyles are similar - in doing so, I do open my life to the possibility to meeting single men, gaining friends - seeing myself in different interactions and yes possibility dating.

Now the concern specifically about this seeking community has been tied to my character and I am not sure how these actions reduce my character. Nor do I see how asking and or accepting the help of others in this process or even in dating reduces my character either. Each person we meet adds something to our lives - just like I would not take back the processes of online meeting from this spring because they further solidified what I want and the characteristics I should be weary of. So if in the end that means I email K or meet Darcy's friend the pastor - so be it - it's a moment of my life - I'm not doing anything in God's eyes that is immoral, shameful or an exemplification of poor character. And that is the end of the matter - it will not be discussed here or elsewhere again.

I want to be the 10% who can change - who can remove themselves from their pasts - grow from it and find a rich, supportive soil of friendship, grace and ultimately faith to grow into. Much like a lotus - out of the mud and sludge, beauty can grow and arise.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/toshio1/221371474/

Peace, Balance and Chickpea Curry

I can't say I've had a good night's sleep in over a week, or that I haven't had busy days and chaos, and that this week won't be hard on my weak voice - yes the laryngitis has yet to leave me. Out of all this my mom said something on the ride from their place to mine tonight - "You need a husband who loves with a sacrificial love, a love like Christ's, not selfish and self serving." Now my mom knows little to nothing of Three or any of our conversations, but apparently in all her praying He told her something I was unable to see until that moment this evening. While I was continually made to feel emotionally inadequate it was quite the opposite.

I was reading an article in an old Yoga Journal tonight that reiterated what my mom had said. "At first they appear magical, later you realize they have their wounded places and needs and unfinished business they're hoping you'll complete for them." Wow, now that's accurate. So despite the gratuitous post about K, and yes he will as he has always cause the same symptoms for me, I know it's my season to find peace and balance in Him - when the time comes to alter the dynamics, it will work and my life won't seem flooded by chaos and a cacophony of discord, sound and friction.

So I'm off to enjoy my sleep, with a tummy full of partially digested chickpea curry from VWAV and I know that regardless of tomorrow - His mercies are new and He's doing something with this life - looking forward to the glimpses of it - as I know the whole plan I will only see when this life is over.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/9722894@N06/726885563/

As I sit here,

Staring at his band t-shirt and the card from Valentine's Day, I'm not sure what to do with it. Richard's stuff - that was easy - burn it, Ryan's, well tossing it seems cold, but I need catharsis - maybe I'll do what I did with Richard's stuff - stash it somewhere until the mixed emotions clarify, or more so for our current situation, when all the codeine laced cough syrup leaves my system.

But on the note of catharsis, I'm done with crying - I feel like this weekend is mine to banish winter, the demon cold/flu - which has now been labeled by some an intentional "gift" to cancel the trip and get me high enough on codeine and out of my mind to just spit out what I've been suppressing for a while now, and to regain a bit more of who I am or to be and maybe just have fun.

So to achieve that I'm buying myself some tulips, making a trip to Donald's, buying a waffle maker, and spending an afternoon in McLeod's books looking for first editions and filling out my collection. And then taking some groceries to my parents' house on Saturday night and spending the weekend with Maximus and watch Earth - since I haven't seen it yet and maybe a Stephen Frears film. As to the waffle maker - well good food goes a long way to healing the soul - waffles, coffee and a sun rise looking at Seymour with Max sitting on the newspaper - no other way to start a Sunday.

And my song of the moment.

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/sonicwalker/2298249997/

Walk Away....

We all know I have the death cold/flu - and maybe the excessive amount of drugs have consumed as of late have effected my brain, but then again I think I've known that I've had to do this for a while now. I canceled the flight, no Kansas, no ruby slippers, none of it. Why? Because I realized something a few weeks ago after the fight about Shawn/E and my talk with Seth, that I wasn't really into it - that there were moments I was but as a whole at some point in time I had started building a wall - why and how I do not know but I know a lot of it came from issues. Ultimately I realized several things:

1. The whole date no one for a year thing - was a good idea
2. I need to grow as me find the right path for me - separate from someone else needs
3. The absence of No does not mean Yes
4. There is no harm in putting yourself out there
5. I can't do the online thing - I need to grow into someone, the rush doesn't work for me

In the end though I have to say though I walked away - he sure wasn't up for a fight, which disappointed me in some strange way - with all the medications in me and lack of voice you think you would have put up a fight.

You're a great guy Ryan (aka Three), I'm just not the woman you need.

Declaration

I'm always thinking about useless things but there was a site I found yesterday via Leah's Flickr stream and it had a Dating Bill of Rights, and it got me thinking about the email I sent S when I figured that he was ignoring who I was and trying to construct this image of who I was to fit his desires. I told him I wasn't going to post it but thinking about it again I think I need to - as a visible reminder of what I hold sacred and who I see myself as. It has been modified slightly

I am a Pacifist - it’s who I am as a Mennonite (ethnically) and as who I am as a Christian.

I don’t view finances with any level of importance – I’ve been skip meals, food bank poor and I realized that through that and my experiences overseas that it’s not something I want or feel is necessary in my life – that when I focus on materials I lose sight of the hands that suffered in a sweatshop or the mouths in Africa full of dirty parasite infested water. Does that mean I believe it’s bad or it can’t be used for good, no of course not – but it is a responsibility I know that I would not be a good steward of – but maybe you would.

I’m left of centre: I’m an anti-globalization, pro-immigrant worker rights, feminist, environmentally conscious, meditating, fair trade supporting, organic seeking person. I love to read, be educated and focus on each action. I boycott certain companies (Tropicana for example due to their support of slave labour practices on farms they buy from), I only use cloth bags for grocery shopping, I try wherever I can to ensure that my actions speak compassion and love into someone else’s life – that I acknowledge I have been given an immense amount just due to the shear fact that I’ve been born here in North America – I as a woman have been given equal status under the law, I vote, I can go to school and have, I can live and work and be independent.

I want to adopt – I’ve stared too many children in the eyes to not feel His heartbreak at what we have done to them – socially that we believe children are expendable. I feel that the body has failed in its duty to love the orphans, the widows, the poor and the destitute. But that is not to say that having my own children is not on the agenda either.

I want to serve – I don’t know where or how but I know my life is not mine, it’s His and He’s called me to use whatever is in me to serve – comfort the dying, love the lost, feed the poor and bring attention to all that we try to ignore in our bubbles of comfort.

In addition:

I intend on writing and learning for the rest of my life - this is who I am - we all have the things that make us tick - mine is the literal tick tick tick of a keyboard under my fingers and the discourse that occurs in groups of like minded individuals - I would love to be able to form a writer's collective like the Burnside Writers.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/drivebybiscuits1/1804941523/in/pool-clotheslineproject/ - Check out the link above about the meanings of the t-shirt colors - they have a pool on Flickr I would suggest checking out

I realized something on the way home today...

I will always be unfaithful. Lost you already? Three for whatever reason has found it difficult to accept that I have intellectual friendships with other guys - E, Jordan (to an extent), Seth, and Shawn and sure you could even add Joel to that mix, and we aren't even committed formally to each other. So aside from the glaring issue - the general issue is, if I do go to seminary it will be formally build on a writing/intellectual career - and those in the arts, especially English know that it is a collaborative work - that you have editors (Joel), you have your writer's block person - that was Steve, you have your core group of "venters" with a common intellectual background - English, Gerontology or Politics depending on the group of people - so I will always be around other men. There is nothing relational beyond someone to talk to - and my future spouse regardless of intellect is never going to be all these people to me - it's not possible, nor is it sane - I need someone I can argue with freely and not have to worry about waking up next to them - Shawn and I can and do routinely fight it out - to the point of not talking for periods of time due to our passionate stances. So here I am trying to work something out that I'm hopeful about and at the same time conscious that maybe there are issues that I will never be able to work out or able to rationalize even working out.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/purplefuzzymittens/1821520516/

No Laughing Matter

Just as Leaha is fervent about her dislike of cheese, I am of a certain member of the Insect phylum - the mere mention of which is known to start panic attacks - and the very fact that I am blogging this is not a good thing I know, but I needed to get it off my chest. Most of you know that although I would even admit that my reaction is not sensible, and often is quite humorous - the fear response is altogether the same. You all also know that it is something I do not permit jokes or teasing about. So when Three last night mentioned said arachnid I could have reached through the phone and strangled him. I was safe in my bed and near sleep when those fateful words left his mouth. So the lights went on, bed was check, floor checked and then once my heart rate had returned to normal I tired to sleep, still terrified of what could be lurking. All was fine until this morning as I got out of the shower, there it was black and skittering across our bathroom floor into some unidentified hole I'm sure to return until its hopefully speedy departure via the bottom of my shoe.

So let this be a lesson to you - while Three is lucky that I have a ticket booked and I happen to really like him, let me tell you this, humor around this subject is no laughing matter.

So how about you - got a fear the world thinks is crazy?

Note there is no picture to accompany this blog, because well I like to read my own blog as narcissistic as that sounds, and I wouldn't if it was there.

Got the counsel I desired...

The questions I did not. Bah, you know I realize this is why we have those we seek for counsel, Godly adult counsel, but really some days I feel like say shush God I've got a good thing going here now don't I? Then again the opposite could be said too - as with today's conversation. Seth managed to point out that for once my life isn't in an endless pit of shiteous experiences, one after another. I've got a stable job, a good, healthy and vibrant church to find sanctuary in, I've got an awesome Godly roommate, I make rent, I have a dry, bright and clean place to live - not always warm but hey whatever, I have a decent relationship with my parents for once in my life...

I found BALANCE or more so I found BLESSING today - and the balance is wrapped up in there, just so overwhelmed with grace and providence that I'm having a panic attack it seems. A could you give me less blessing moment in relation to God, oddly enough - I know, just shut up Jenn, could you just accept it and be thankful...

But here's the flip side - in relation to all things Three and Kansas, he had some comments and questions that are lingering now, and were very evident as I walked from the AQ to the upper bus loop with my Naomi Klein book in hand. Questions Seth posed...

Q. Why aren't you going to Regent now - like in September?
A. I want to finish this degree - to have a fully intellectual grasp of Globalization, International Law, Sustainable Environmental and Community options and all that - it's one thing to debate with the average smart person, it's a whole other level to write about it - as I desire to do. But yes I really want to go there - to have that intellectual/liberal seminary education and to develop my writing and focus on that and parlaying it to working for an NGO or even Campus Ministry, like Kirsten does for UCM.

Q. Are you prepared to marry someone who isn't intellectual - someone who doesn't know who Naomi Klein or John le Carre is? Someone who can't discuss the ins and outs of US foreign policy, the Cold War, Feminism, English literary theory - literature in general?
A. I don't know - I know that I've thought about it, extensively, I've thought about it and wondered the opposite - could I be in a relationship where that is the predominate common thread? Seth then interjected that his relationship with Nikki is the unbalanced form - she hasn't seen the documentaries - the Corporation, Battle in Seattle or read Klein, Berger or what have you and they do fine.

Then we brought up the issue that I predominately share those aspects of my life with men - that I vent to E for the most part, my father and to some degree Shawn. Well that's not going to work in a relationship.

Q. Do you realize that you're going to be alienated in Kansas? (Seth apparently lived in the same area Three does - wow small world)
A. Kind of figured when I looked at the website for a seminary down there and they didn't allow women to participate in the preaching classes... but no to some degree I've ignored that my west coast, excessively healthy, liberal and vocal about it life as it is here - with public transit and Pride parades and all that - may not translate well.

So with that a part of me wants to say oh blood hell Seth! But he does agree Three sounds solid and mature – it’s all the other stuff to factor in now.

So I have a confession....

I unlike the majority of my female peers dislike weddings. Yes, I dislike weddings. Now before I hear that that is because I'm bitter and blah, blah, blah - it's not that exactly. Sitting in the chapel before J walked down the isle yesterday I wondered how does one get here? How do we strip off all that we accumulate over the years of maturation? Is it in the end easier for her to do this because of her immaturity/inexperience? That is not to say that I'm mature per say but I think we can agree I am like my single peers at this stage in our lives where we are finding a specific single life rhythm - we have ways we like our closets to be kept, which side of the bed we insist on sleeping on - the right side/outside if against a wall etc. So in the end I guess my point is as I said to Shawn today, I dislike weddings, but I like marriages. And so often I think we miss that distinction. I'm not afraid of putting on a three quarter length sleeve boat-neck lace wedding dress by Casablanca with a chapel length single layer, lace fringed veil. I'm afraid of waking up two months, two years, and two decades down the line and wondering what I've done, why did I make that fateful and ultimately faithful choice? In all the glitz and Martha Stewartising of our weddings we've lost that it's a marriage we're celebrating. We aren't celebrating guilt free sex or the months of arduous dieting that got us into that dress.

So there is my frustration - while the wedding yesterday was nice, pleasant and all there seemed to be a clear indication that the gravity of the choice and the Biblical calling on the union and their lives was missing.

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