While I've Got the "W" Word on the Brain...

I'm not really sure how I feel about it, not the issue of the W, but more so all that swirls around it - magazines, websites, shows, diets and all the expectations. I just put likely the umpteenth Bridal magazine back on the shelf because I can't digest it - I can't look at another spread of budgetless weddings, out-of-reach-one-of-a-kind venues, and ridiculously skinny brides with large chests holding up their strapless designer gowns. So what then? Well Shawn and I have already discussed starting a blog to document aspects of the process. But as well a part of me really wants to join the Hive, though I am aware in doing so I become party to the machine. I was hoping to use my amazing writing skills and unique perspective of not only being a city girl from Canada moving to a suburban America town, as well hey I'm a vegan, I'm a Christian - so yes all those "chauvinistic" events will happen, but there will also be a chuppa amongst other things like encouraging our guests to sign up with Compassion.

So to generally update you know we have a date, a venue, a color scheme and most importantly a budget...

So I have a confession....

I unlike the majority of my female peers dislike weddings. Yes, I dislike weddings. Now before I hear that that is because I'm bitter and blah, blah, blah - it's not that exactly. Sitting in the chapel before J walked down the isle yesterday I wondered how does one get here? How do we strip off all that we accumulate over the years of maturation? Is it in the end easier for her to do this because of her immaturity/inexperience? That is not to say that I'm mature per say but I think we can agree I am like my single peers at this stage in our lives where we are finding a specific single life rhythm - we have ways we like our closets to be kept, which side of the bed we insist on sleeping on - the right side/outside if against a wall etc. So in the end I guess my point is as I said to Shawn today, I dislike weddings, but I like marriages. And so often I think we miss that distinction. I'm not afraid of putting on a three quarter length sleeve boat-neck lace wedding dress by Casablanca with a chapel length single layer, lace fringed veil. I'm afraid of waking up two months, two years, and two decades down the line and wondering what I've done, why did I make that fateful and ultimately faithful choice? In all the glitz and Martha Stewartising of our weddings we've lost that it's a marriage we're celebrating. We aren't celebrating guilt free sex or the months of arduous dieting that got us into that dress.

So there is my frustration - while the wedding yesterday was nice, pleasant and all there seemed to be a clear indication that the gravity of the choice and the Biblical calling on the union and their lives was missing.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/daisyjellybean/368040479/

This is a word that will start a tangental rambling

What is subjugate? Aw, I miss Jeopardy about as much as I'm sure Leaha misses those 10 minutes of her life after she asked me to define subjugate. I miss my English classes, I really do, I know I could get into a graduate school somewhere, but seriously what good would that do me? I'd be better off taking some publishing classes through SFU's continuing studies programs - the catch is I'm not really published. My poetry was published in high school, but nothing prestigious. I miss the dialogue in the classes but I also miss the language - words like subjugate, disseminate and liminal, topics like the Haskalah, ghosts and immigration and author's like Chaucer, Rhys and Roy - list goes on. Fundementally it is my love of writing. By what can I do with writing? Leaha's trying to convince me to abandon my MBB minor and switch to sociology. Like I need another reason for why I personally understand the word subjugate or that I can list quotes, texts and ramble on and on. Who knows maybe she's right. Maybe I have to surrender this degree and just apply for the dietitian program in Oregon. But then I guess that depends if I get the job or not. If I get it I won't be able to get in for next year, and if I don't maybe I'll consider sociology or delay the whole thing a year - or maybe I'll move stateside regardless and do my ashtanga yoga instructor training. In the end there is this small part of me that wants my life to do a 180 or what have you for a reason not related to my own indecisiveness or lost feeling. . . but that may just be beyond wishful thinking.

As an aside, welcome to Canada again, my beloved bride to be, Cheryl - and thanks for distracting me at lunch today while we flipped through Martha Stewart. You know when we trash your dress we need to burn the magazines - I hate having them around. I guess the next time I see you will be in a few weeks on the island? Now don't go booking that weekend, after midterms are over I'm going to need a break.

I am a whore....

I do confess.... On the level of reality I don't know if I need to confess that - spiritually sure but we've discussed that already. I'm revisiting this song again due to some further reading - namely a sermon/blog or whathaveyou from one of Leaha's friends.

"i proceeded to go on what must have seemed like an ultra-depressing rant, saying how much marriage freaked me out, how it seemed like i would be giving up too much freedom, how i thought the commitment was so huge and frightening. i said the concept of having this one person around me day after day - when i get up, when i go to bed, that kind of stuff - really bugs me. i like my independence. i like being able to lie around all day, with no shirt on, watching TV, eating leftover chinese food, playing my ps2, just being a bum, and i'm guessing that if i had a wife, she would want to talk about stuff, and she would want to eat real food, and she would probably want to take turns on the ps2 - or at least play with me - and then i'd have to let her, and if she wasn't very good at "madden" i'd probably get frustrated and then we might have a fight."

There we go, that's it - maybe that's at the heart of all the other stuff and not all the accessory reasons I have for saying I'm not sure if it's for me. The funny thing as life goes on marriage scares me more, maybe because I like the independence, the whatever or maybe as I've gone on, especially in the last few years I've come to realize things change, big time, flux and all that, the younger you are the easier the choice seems. My brother's wonderful words of wisdom still ring in my ears - if you'd gotten married at 21, you'd be divorced - let's be honest. Of course he chose to say this with my mother in ear shot - and she freaked, but if we're being honest I would have divorced Richard in a year tops, maybe two if we're being kind. Law school changed him - that's all he is now - his job, his "lifestyle," which did include cheating - in all aspects of life, and on top of his insane work schedule - he still pops on MSN at crazy hours - and at work of course. He hates tattoo's, he didn't understand my shower before bed policy, he didn't understand that I didn't like the idea of his mother raising our children, or even me living in Texas (ewww). Granted I didn't have tattoos when I met Richard, but I was going to get one, and also granted I wasn't sold on kids anyways and even the whole Texas thing wouldn't have been a issue like it is today, being vegan. But seriously it's Texas been there once prefer not to return...

So amidst that digression is the point, I know I'm a mess, I'm a headache, a list of all the things mentioned and I am and/or sort of am - Christian, vegan, pro-life, west coaster: "yogi, raw food lover, book obsessed, rain embracer, Starbucks addict to the point I need caffeine/cardio before I can order," stubborn, smart-ass/sarcastic, loyal and I'm sure they could continue on - hopefully with a few more positives. Then again maybe Jeremy's friend Stacy is right - maybe there will be that moment where it doesn't matter and to put on THE dress won't cause a MI or stroke, that I won't run like I feel like I would - even now and all that, or be seriously ill. Then again I think it's our nature - prone to wander regardless of how good we've got it - be it single or supported. And so right now the jury stands against the marriage situation, against the kids idea and all of it. I just don't know.

Trash Her Dress?

So many things to blog about... I'm setting to the keyboard in the hopes of calming the nerves about the move and all that needs to accomplished in 24hours this weekend. The bigger issue at the moment is a job interview for a job that I've been told already I'm not a suitable candidate for - it's the story of my life unsuitable for everything, and yet everyone loves me - so I'm told, not quite sold on that though. Regardless interviews are always stressful - trying to unscramble the mess of world in my head and ensure that they come out in an assembled articulate form that doesn't cause a personal kick to the brain in the process - no moments where you're like why did I say that and the words seemingly echo in your brain... Deep sigh, k that's out.

So trashing the dress? Cheryl's being featured in the Province this weekend (?) regarding her trash the dress idea. Well it's not her idea, she is hiring someone to replicate the idea that started who knows when... trashing your wedding dress - post wedding. Yes, that's right she plans to drag her Vera Wang or what have you through farm land, fountains or whatever truly West Coast area she can find, meanwhile capturing it on celluloid. While I plan on selling my dress -I'm thrifty/cheap/practical, I understand the concept. The purpose is two fold - one, as with my sale of the dress - these things date so quickly, why keep a dress that no one wants in a year never mind 25 years? Secondly, it's a dress - it is in no way a symbol of your love. If anything the dismantling of the dress in such a fashion says "I'm in this marriage, and I know it isn't about the wedding." With all the hype around weddings, we not only devote a huge portion of our income, but we devote a huge portion of the relationships energy to the event and not to the process afterwards. All the while looking at the dress in the closet or box and believing that those feelings will just carry through. They're feelings and a marriage isn't based on feelings - it's a commitment, an understanding that regardless of how you're day goes this is the ship you've boarded, the bed you've laid in, the whatever you want to call it. The feelings are just the accessories, and the dress in the end is getting in the way. So go ahead and trash it. While we're at it can I do that for my bridesmaid dress? Not yours Cheryl, because of course I'm going to love it - Missy's actually - green tapestry and train that I want to get rid of.

A Taboo Topic

Sex - that's right I'm selling out and moving to a topic that sells... actually, No, not quite. Cheryl, my beloved bridezilla and constant waffler posed a question in regards to Andrew and her purchasing a house. They are due to be married sometime next August - if they can pick a date..., and currently live in separate apartments in the same complex. The new home they purchase will have two bedrooms - and they intend to live separate for the remainder of their engagement. Weird? Some may think so, I know the older I get the more I agree with their decision all the while conscious that the world doesn't. It's just assumed that you've, you know "done it." I remember the shock on my former trainer's face when during our conversation about Vegas or something like that, that I said I haven't done "it." Why? Well, the more I look at the world and all the dynamics that I believe that women equate huge amounts of emotional commitment and identity with sex - it's not just an act. That's not to say that men don't. Women though are specifically targeted for this aspect of their psyche - romantic movies, rings, weddings and all that is related targets that portion in our brains that believes we are complete when we are in love. Our society has pushed that notion with our consumption of all things sex to the idea that we are complex when we get laid regularly. From music videos to Sex in the City - albeit a funny show, the point was still clear - you need to get it from somewhere or you're missing out.

Maybe you do, maybe we aren't designed for a life of celibacy. I'd like to the think otherwise, I can think of a lot of current day examples - but that's not really the point. For me, why no? Why follow what some may see as just Church/patriarchal doctrine - in the whole woman is either virgin or slut binary? Because it isn't that for me - it's a choice I have and will continue to make in that the emotional price is too high for me. It's an emotional and physical commitment without a defined commitment to someone - and in the end I'm don't feel safe in knowing that a relationship is defined by it, as I've seen it is.

So are you crazy Cheryl? I don't think so - maybe a little revolutionary in the eyes of the world but since when is that tragic?

The Long and Short of It

Well first of all I must share my minor accomplishment, I have my hair in a ponytail - I know shocking... well actually it is, since it's the first time in over 4 years. The last time it was remotely this long was for my last trip to Russia - it was promptly cut after arriving home for various reasons, namely I wanted to prove to Darrell he'd made a stupid choice picking Marie - in the end it was both Marie and I who realized our choice was even worse - but that is neither here nor there, and back to the hair. It's being lengthened, ever so slowly due to Cheryl's impending nuptials - if all goes according to plan and someone doesn't strangle her in the meantime - the date is sometime next August. I realized today though, that I don't know if I'm going to have the patience to do this whole growing out business more then once. The day after Cheryl gets married - off the hair will come, and since it takes a year to go from my normal length to the length required for a chignon (aka: a bun for all you non-bilingual folks) - I'm worried. Why? Well I have no intention of having short hair on my own wedding day - I know it's crazy, but then again what did you expect? So then, either I get married next summer, which we so know isn't happening - so please for the love of whatever Cheryl do not post a comment about me getting all worried about being single - trust me - not worried - and when I do I log onto facebook and look at all our PA friends married with multiple babies underfoot. So that being said, do I cut it or wait - because right now I'm just itching to cut it all off - so I don't have to worry about investing in new Velcro rolls, a flat iron, better blow dryer and steam rollers in an attempt to wrangle the mess into submission. Since that became the long and short of it all by itself a little update - no place, not even a possible place - if Leaha didn't have all the girls (Senior High girls she mentors - that I once had and now she does) and if I didn't need on site laundry, a shag carpet free home or an oven - yes even ovens can be hard to come by - then we'd have one but we don't. So I'm giving it until Sunday and then we have to change our game plan - we either share a 1 bedroom or we have to wrangle in another roommate. These are the days I wish I was married - in that I'm not going to live with someone in that sense - but then it could a studio or 1 bedroom and two salaries going towards the rent. But whatever... back to craigslist I must go - and work for that matter.

A single perspective on weddings....

While weddings are not marriages, all I've seen and been through in the last few weeks has made me wonder if we've missed the point, or if my single view is just that - the view of a single individual, as well as my view being held by just me, and no other member of this population would agree with me. Being a maid of honor, has become nothing like I thought it would be for various reasons, but those aside. I've found the greatest issue is I've been continually confronted with the statements "when I do mine" and such like and yet as we've seen and know, and I know if I'm honest those statements are worthless. Not so much in that I will change my mind, more so that there will be no "big day." Dealing with all these plans and its insanity has been the self really tough love I needed to banish the one last remaining thread that had been the snag in my life. My life has been directed along a path that does not provide for or in many respect require/need a partner. Sure marriage is a wonderful thing, life partnership and yadda yadda. But marriage is not an indicator of your value to the world in general, your value to your friends, you own determination of self worth, it does not make life better or worse, easier or harder, it does not make getting out of bed all the more grand. Life without a vintage piece of metal and gem should not belittle who I am or where I am going. Pop culture may have told me so, but it also has shown me via endless hours on myspace and blogs that what I'm looking for doesn't exist and as So You Think You Can Dance has proved, while partnering may be difficult - you get to the end and save yourself - determine your direction always independent of a partner - it's you and you alone. And is that not life? Sure some may say that's stubborn or selfish but in the end I think would be more stubborn/selfish to have a wedding knowing you can't have a marriage.