Holding My Breath, but not my tongue

First I admit I read PerezHilton, yes I know it's trash - but regardless he posted about Azariah Southworth's announcement of his sexuality. Now for those of you who are not familiar, like me, with Azariah, check out the article. The part that saddened me about his announcement was not that he is gay, but that he is so positive there is no place for him in Christian media. Are we still stuck there? In the land of "you choose this path," it's your fault and now let's further heap all our judgment on you - you horrible horrible person.

While I am sure the Internet is likely rife with slander and hateful comments towards Azariah - I would like to state the opposite. I commend you Azariah, I commend you for having courage to be honest with yourself and be open with the Christian public, knowing full well we are some of the worst when it comes to being accepting, especially when it comes to one of "our own." In the midst of our self righteousness we have missed that this is likely a lonely, scary and stressful time for you - that the ramifications of this choice is far beyond something we can really understand. Let me for one say I support you, I understand that this isn't a random choice - that being gay is not a choice, it's not a product of your environment, it's not because you liked dolls as a child or didn't have a father figure or had a strong female figure who didn't represent the Christian feminine ideal. I understand that maybe some of that was involved but in the end it's all too complicated to separate the factors, and who knows maybe it is in your genetics as well as being the result of a complicated social, biological and psychological factors. I hope that you will be able to use your experience in the media as well as this time in your life to provide a space for dialogue within the Church. That you will be able to dispel the fears and hateful rhetoric and show, that we are equally different - broken people in a broken world and instead of closing off the Church to what we don't understand that we should be open and loving - a place for thoughtful and intellectual discourse about the issues of our times - sexual orientation, mental health, abuse and greed. I understand that they are all unique issues, but in the general sense we are unwilling to deal with the areas we are broken in and rather cover over them with a new happy praise and worship song.

Now before I get someone saying certain sexual orientations are a sin, yes well the act of it is, he can live a celibate life. But in the end that's between him and God, I can't nor would I throw a stone and instead I offer this my hand - a hand that I hope says to him and the world that this is enough, no more hate in the name of God.

I ask you to also check out the video below:

Channeling again... but please read below

So I would love you to read the blog below first and comment - I have switched my comment features to allow for anonymous comments for you lurkers without blogger accounts, but I figured I should let you all know where the late night thinking has been channeled into... yes all those sleepless hours of the last month or so. So this past year has been the shits for various reasons and yet I know that there is something in the works, because I do have to accept all* of the parts of God regardless of how I feel about it. I wouldn't say that it has developed character - maybe a good bitter streak and the kind of person who can in the most unfortunate way rip a strip off someone. Qualities I don't think I should be honing. Regardless, things I've been looking at - I can ditch this whole sordid mess of a degree - get my post baccalaureate degree for Gerontology and say the hell with the rest of it. Not the best idea but an option - since having a Kinesiology minor is more or less a stepping stone to more schooling and the same for Microbiology, not good on their own. So I could stop SFU in December and go into working for Dr. Stuart until September - during which time I can get myself out of the debt I am in with the bank and then in September who knows. September - one year from now - a lot can change in a year in the world around me, so this is a very LOOSE plan. Okay so the issue is - Ashtanga yoga is the practice form I would love to teach - it's not offered in Vancouver - Kundalini and Hatha are offered. Ashtanga is offered in Victoria or Calgary - so basically I have to go to Calgary - the land of beef and babies, ew. I don't know - the school in Victoria comes with good certification and is only $2ooo plus living expenses for the intensive course.

So why am I considering this seriously where before I would have laughed it off, it came to me while baking ginger snap cookies this morning (see above) - Cheryl's been on my case to go to the Vegetarian/Vegan cooking school on the E.Coast - now it's the same cost as medical school - $80,000+ and while I would love to spend my life cooking for others - because cooking leads me to writing and yoga leads me back to a place of peace and creativity - it would be a perfect circle - I'm just not sure I could do it as a living - like a business - but like a B&B or something - maybe. A part of me feels it's a selfish life, I know it would be subsistence and simple and holistic all things I need and want but I'm not sure I deserve - you know? The issue is I haven't figured out if I'm running from or to something... and well seriously adding these components on to my life is going to further solidify an independent way of life - tattooed vegan yoga instructors are not welcome in the Christian community that I've found...



*I feel like this has to be posted in light of the previous statement.

A Taboo Topic

Sex - that's right I'm selling out and moving to a topic that sells... actually, No, not quite. Cheryl, my beloved bridezilla and constant waffler posed a question in regards to Andrew and her purchasing a house. They are due to be married sometime next August - if they can pick a date..., and currently live in separate apartments in the same complex. The new home they purchase will have two bedrooms - and they intend to live separate for the remainder of their engagement. Weird? Some may think so, I know the older I get the more I agree with their decision all the while conscious that the world doesn't. It's just assumed that you've, you know "done it." I remember the shock on my former trainer's face when during our conversation about Vegas or something like that, that I said I haven't done "it." Why? Well, the more I look at the world and all the dynamics that I believe that women equate huge amounts of emotional commitment and identity with sex - it's not just an act. That's not to say that men don't. Women though are specifically targeted for this aspect of their psyche - romantic movies, rings, weddings and all that is related targets that portion in our brains that believes we are complete when we are in love. Our society has pushed that notion with our consumption of all things sex to the idea that we are complex when we get laid regularly. From music videos to Sex in the City - albeit a funny show, the point was still clear - you need to get it from somewhere or you're missing out.

Maybe you do, maybe we aren't designed for a life of celibacy. I'd like to the think otherwise, I can think of a lot of current day examples - but that's not really the point. For me, why no? Why follow what some may see as just Church/patriarchal doctrine - in the whole woman is either virgin or slut binary? Because it isn't that for me - it's a choice I have and will continue to make in that the emotional price is too high for me. It's an emotional and physical commitment without a defined commitment to someone - and in the end I'm don't feel safe in knowing that a relationship is defined by it, as I've seen it is.

So are you crazy Cheryl? I don't think so - maybe a little revolutionary in the eyes of the world but since when is that tragic?

Okay, so now what?

I made a promise, I can't keep but which I must - this blogging has to avoid certain topics - but I will push it just a little, if I may. Almost Dr. Sara and I had a little catch up session on MSN today. We've decided to skip the reunion if we both happen to be single - which in 3 years is very likely - since she turned down my suggestion that we go as each other's moral support as we venture into the land of babies, white picket fences and vanilla everything. After our conversation I'm thinking once this degree is done and the debt is debited - it's time to do something - India? Home for the Dying seems to be calling for me... Maybe once I'm 30 (good gracious - 30... k, not thinking about that) then I'll considering going State side for the Masters degree. The whole have a job, make money thing has never been a real priority beyond basic survival - like work for rent and tuition kind. So I guess what I'm trying to get at in a round about way since my blogging has been curtailed as of late - is I've come full circle on this whole dating/marriage thing. For those of you who have been following along, I declared that I had no intention of being married - for various reasons: my parents own shitty marriage/separation (whatever it is right now), my bizarre nature - vegan, feminist yadda yadda which makes me completely unpalatable for any Christ loving boy, and because of Christ I'm unsuitable for those whom I have compatibility with in other areas. But the sad thing about it while Petra and all the other popular PA girls shun me for every reason they have, high school was then, this is now and I'm not doing it - I'm not prepared to walk around feeling unwanted or unloved or unattractive or unworthy because the last boy (no not man, he still hasn't matured to that title) was in August 2002 - yes, 5 whole years ago, and we are on to the 6th year, that the last man who's head I turned was a man in Whalley driving his dirty pick-up. At the end of the day I still remember the feeling when I couldn't look at myself knowing I was wrong in who I had picked - list or no list, all aspects but one - that one is the non-negotiable, because first and foremost I know who my Beloved is and it isn't defined by a ring.

Just an aside, Leaha and I have found this amazing song.

My Jesus

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?
Who is this that you follow?
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side
Or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part?
Sometimes I doubt we’d recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
and I think He’d prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry it out loud
I want to be like my Jesus (x4)

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I’m tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I’m not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like you Jesus

In defense of Christian Feminism

Christian feminism appears to be an oxymoron. How can you be one and the other as they apparently stand in complete contradiction? The issue is how you chose to define each term.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines, feminism as: "advocacy of the rights of women (based on the theory of equality of the sexes). While the Bible is clear that there are men and women - Galatians, 1 Corinthians and of course Creation to name a few locations. But those locations as well do not indicated that women are to be beholden to men above all, rather they are to function within the will of God. That being said, we are then called according to His will and not the chauvinistic, patriarchal constructs of the Church.

I do not believe it is His will that all women become subservient doormats. Neither stay at home mom's or working mom's should be silenced and helpless. Yes, some women are wholly fulfilled as a stay at home mother. However, others are not. We are unique and gifted accordingly. We choose to ignore these unique gifting when they fall outside the realms of "women's roles," those gifting that leans towards leadership, and independence. Primarily because those roles fall outside the doctrine pressed upon us from the Church and to some extent society. We are to be some perfect balance between the chaste perfection of mute Pastor’s wife in training and Angelina Jolie in all her glory – sexy, aggressive, dangerous and powerful. Somewhere between attempting to grow up and being told literally I didn’t fit the mold for a pastor’s wife, I had a liberating moment…I realized who would want me, any of us for that matter? When you really get down to it we have candy coated the multiple personalities and conflicting values – especially those from the Christian circles under a layer of Revlon and Gap clothing. In the end both expectations do not go together, oil and water. You cannot mold a woman while she's single to be a form of Angelina only to muzzle her when that 2 carat Tiffany lands on her finger. The simple answer is to rid the church of the Angelina's right? Start breeding the new generations in the 50's mold of regimented gender ideology is the solution or is it? Of course I do not believe it is.

The answer? Stay the course, in that it's key that we understand the teachings, while being sure to understand that there are positive aspects to the changes that are occurring. It is not a travesty or the end time when a woman is called to leadership independent of a man, nor should we chastise women who feel like they are called, or motivated towards a goal.
In the end I guess all of this is just as much a defense of me. I feel called to missions and I'm tired of being treated like my passions are the reason that's I'm single. Those snide comments implying that if I could just pack away my type-A personality and passions, I would have no problem landing a husband.