Opposites

Leaha and I are opposites in so many wonderful ways, I'm an OCD cleaner and she doesn't see the necessity for such neurosis, she's laid back, more open, a laugh-er, a giver and a lover of people. It is that lover of people, specifically the ability to maintain a committed relationship that sets us apart. She mentioned this morning that she never stays at a job long, where as I, I can't seem to get the spine to leave - to leave jobs I should have a long time ago because they can't see me anymore and take me for granted. As we know from my blogging, the idea of a long term committed relationship is as difficult for me to do as it is for Leaha to desire to be a shift manager. Why is that? We can be respectively committed to opposite yet realistically similar situations. Men and Money/Job - you love and hate them, they consume you, they determine the course of your life and apparently they have this ability to intertwine themselves into your life in a way you never expected and/or desired to the point where leaving is next to impossible regardless of the situation. And yet there are those moments where it's good - where your job is rewarding, uplifting and peaceful, just like a relationship. I guess both can be bad and both can be good. Regardless we still seem to fall into the same pattern - neglect the good, and cherish the bad...

My muffins are done, and my coffee cold - I guess I should have timed that better... back to my supposed blogging break.

Thoughts

Let's leave whatever it was that previously occured where it is - got questions you can ask them but it's still something that even I am begining to realize that I have only begun to deal with the whole feeling like damaged goods at times and at others feminist with well constructed force field and the majority of times a woman I am not comfortable with - at odds with when I swing through the full range of emotions from the far end of feeling confident or sensual - note I did not use another commonly used word, the opposite end of feeling awkard in the body of 25 year old and wondering why.

Onwards now. Many topics to cover and short laptop battery to cover them in.

1. Had an interview today - I know not new news for those following the saga, more so black comedy that has been my job search. The crazy thing is after all the interviews at medical offices and the missed opportunity to write for an advertising firm - there was an job opening at Willingdon for a Student Ministries Administrative Assistant. It's a run for your life job - like BUSY. Who knows. But you know to pray before an interview almost reduced me to tears today - it's crazy to communally seek the best candidate. On top of that to know that they see your heart - to see the brokenness in the sacrifice of medicine and the unsure nature that a life in Christ can bring - FLUX.

2. This is why I love having a roomie - Leaha's worried I'm going to get sick of her but she's not me and so I won't - she's Steve's polar opposite when it comes to personality - Steve was quiet, Leaha is not and it's good - because I'm there now. And one place I am is the burgeoning social justice - teach me your ways world - well not exactly but you know. So we're going to the VIFF and catching some late night documentarys - one on he human traficking of women - It Happened Just Before and tomorrow In Memory of Myself which following a man before he takes his vows - the real ones, not the until death due us part ones, looks like the other option - although there are tons of great films - like The Orange Chronicles - a documentary from an International Elections Observer on the dozens of films on the Environment and Human Rights, of course they have the fluffy stuff too - thrillers and lusty films etc.

3. Music - First off the newly released Leann Rimes - is very good - The Things I Cannot Change. But more importantly it's been mentioned before on here of the UCM blog -The Silence of God is an incredible song - Leaha asked why I would listen to a sad song - well I listen to it for a few reasons.

a. I'm still there in that waste land - be it Everest mountain top or Rift Valley bottom (see UCM's blog for 2 blogs in that 3 part series - 3 is in the works).

b. It's good to be reminded that while He might not be silent in your life, His is in others.

So here's the lyrics - it's not on his myspace anymore but here's the link to it if you want to have a listen

Lyrics:

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God
It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God
And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes...
There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone
And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

Grrr

My parents never check their voicemail - my brother and I know it, so we never leave messages for them their. But it seems since I've moved they don't check their voicemail anywhere - cellphones, work and where have you. So that's been a little frustrating but even more is that their number is on my resume. Why? I left it on there because 1. I have crappy cellphone plan when it comes to daytime calls - employers call during the day, 2. I work during the day which leads to inevitable phone tag. 3. Future employers find it tacky to call you at work to arrange interviews. So I told my parents it was imperitive that they check their voicemail every day - it's not hard, the phone flashes when there are messages as well it says it on the caller display. But apparently it is hard, since my mom called today - "I know you're going to kill me" she says - I'm thinking you threw away my Chaucer anthology or something - nope. She just checked the voicemail for the first time in 10 days - and low and behold I'd been called for an interview at this awesome sounding Wellness clinic - sure the pay was shitty but the hours and location were great. She's like just call them - um no, since I applied for it on the day I had the last interview (Booze and Chocolate blog day). What am I suppose to say hire me because my parents can't check their voicemail.

So I propose they change their voicemail to the following:

Hi, You've reached the Baerg residence - don't leave a message we don't check our messages, seriously don't leave one. If you care about your info call Rich at ___, Annemarie at work, Jenn at the clinic or ______ and text Sheldon since those are free for him in Montreal. Thanks again don't leave a message, well if you're a bank or the Conservative party of Canada you can leave one.

Booze or Chocolate

That's what I'm needing right now - and while we're at it who knows maybe some kind of cathartic release, like a good theraputic cry. I've had my second interview in the last week and again they're also looking for a 5+ year commitment. So again no new job and now I'm worried. I've been hitting my head against a wall, as per usual for those who's been following along for the last year. I need work but I can't seem to find it and with no safety net of moving home I'm at a loss of what to do. I have no intention of lying to any future employer about my future, but really 5 years? I'm 25 years old, even if I say I can commit, you really think they believe me? I best start the dealing with this, especially considering there is neither of the aformentioned anywhere to be seen, or even a hug - that's calorie free right? Hugs anyone? Well anyone I know and trust.

Coffee and Sugar make the World All Better...

Or so I'm going to believe for now. The clinic is in the middle of a move right now and with my own dodge the box game going on at home (not successfully either I tripped over one in my haze at 5:50 this morning) - things feel horribly out of sorts right now. I'm going to be working most of the weekend - which is money in the end so I guess I'm fine with that. As a whole though I've been really exhausted this week and as such my culinary prowess has taken a hit too - thank goodness for Yves it can pick up the slack on the protein side of things. I just want to take the kind of break that does something for you - not the kind of break I get when they can't schedule me in to work anywhere. There's this yoga retreat I've been eyeing in Costa Rica - but I want someone to come with me... anyone interested in an eco-sensitive, vegetarian, yoga vacation? I know it's not Vegas... Maybe it's just the overall feeling of stress - it's moving stress, and work stress and general money stress - payments etc - thankfully SFU doesn't care if you pay your tuition on time or not, and I've paid off all but my loan and a small portion of my VISA but still right - a part of me would love to have an 8-4 M-F Specialist job that pays me for my experience, guarantees no crazy walk ins, 2 hour waits and all the other routine issues that come with the Clinic.

Shannon's leaving us today - no more laser clinic here - and in the process of finding a quote for her card I found this great quote from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who's a Death and Dying researcher - I have her famous book on the topic.

"Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."

Okay, so now what?

I made a promise, I can't keep but which I must - this blogging has to avoid certain topics - but I will push it just a little, if I may. Almost Dr. Sara and I had a little catch up session on MSN today. We've decided to skip the reunion if we both happen to be single - which in 3 years is very likely - since she turned down my suggestion that we go as each other's moral support as we venture into the land of babies, white picket fences and vanilla everything. After our conversation I'm thinking once this degree is done and the debt is debited - it's time to do something - India? Home for the Dying seems to be calling for me... Maybe once I'm 30 (good gracious - 30... k, not thinking about that) then I'll considering going State side for the Masters degree. The whole have a job, make money thing has never been a real priority beyond basic survival - like work for rent and tuition kind. So I guess what I'm trying to get at in a round about way since my blogging has been curtailed as of late - is I've come full circle on this whole dating/marriage thing. For those of you who have been following along, I declared that I had no intention of being married - for various reasons: my parents own shitty marriage/separation (whatever it is right now), my bizarre nature - vegan, feminist yadda yadda which makes me completely unpalatable for any Christ loving boy, and because of Christ I'm unsuitable for those whom I have compatibility with in other areas. But the sad thing about it while Petra and all the other popular PA girls shun me for every reason they have, high school was then, this is now and I'm not doing it - I'm not prepared to walk around feeling unwanted or unloved or unattractive or unworthy because the last boy (no not man, he still hasn't matured to that title) was in August 2002 - yes, 5 whole years ago, and we are on to the 6th year, that the last man who's head I turned was a man in Whalley driving his dirty pick-up. At the end of the day I still remember the feeling when I couldn't look at myself knowing I was wrong in who I had picked - list or no list, all aspects but one - that one is the non-negotiable, because first and foremost I know who my Beloved is and it isn't defined by a ring.

Just an aside, Leaha and I have found this amazing song.

My Jesus

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?
Who is this that you follow?
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side
Or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part?
Sometimes I doubt we’d recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
and I think He’d prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry it out loud
I want to be like my Jesus (x4)

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I’m tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I’m not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like you Jesus