Why, oh why do I think like that...

Jocelyn and I had our pseudo-weekly say everything you can say in an hour session before the Starbucks closes. Jocelyn is dealing with the ghost of medical school, a slightly ominous form that seems to follow around intelligent, socially conscious and slightly deranged individuals. It's a ghost/demon or whatever your relationship with it has determined it to be in your mind. For me it was like the bad relationship ex, named MS. When you're in the middle of it, you know it's not what you want, you know that for certain, it's messy, it's painful and it takes so much more work then it should. So you garner the courage to leave, to try and define yourself apart from it, you deal with all the well meaning friends and family asking how MS is, and then one day, normally after a long arduous season, you start to think about MS, how nice it was to have them in your life and then you start pursuing it again.

For me it took pursuing MS again in 2005-2006 to realize that all "he" did was ___ up my life (just like someone else but well that's another blog) - it was time to burn everything in sight (did that for the someone it was great) and pick myself up and say over and over - MS does not define me, it does not mean I failed, and it does not mean that I cannot make the difference I want to see in this world.

I said to Jocelyn last night, that's your ex to deal with, I will not be the nagging girlfriend telling you you're better without MS, because you know what? Regret is a greater ex to deal with and I don't think you need two ex's following you around.

But just before we left I said you know the hardest thing I found with the whole MS thing is it's jealous, there is no room for anything else - you are forced to put everything else aside and since the idea of doing that for 3 years for myself right now is causing me frustration - I can't imagine doing it for 4-5 years. Why is it that it feels like we both are at a point where you start to hear yourself say while my bed is lonely and cold at times, but I would rather not have to factor someone else in right now. In that I don't want to worry about whether we can move to Costa Rice for UNPeace, or if we can move to an area of conflict so I can write, research and report... or maybe just the general feeling that I had last night in service - I have no idea where my life is headed and I know it needs to be just me on this journey for the next while.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/xeeliz/97220837/

Coffee In Hand

And a sink full of dishes done and drying, I'm trying to figure things out. I think I've got this whole living on my own thing figured out again - the fridge is clean and organized - no crazy experiments brewing, the laundry is almost done, dishes done. The only things left for me to do are sweep, mop and repeat endlessly, btw tile and hardwood be them nice in many respects are awful to keep free of debri. Anyways, I'm working through my Kinesiology homework - all three courses - 342's almost done, 110 - diet done, quiz not, 325 - nothing done (oops) - that's not good.

But seriously, I was "whoring" through myspace again last night (Meisha's term for it - not mine), listening to some of the songs/artists that cannot seem to make it on to radio - here in Vancouver or Internet. One such artist - Andrew Peterson, he has this amazing song - the Silence of God - but he took that off his player and replaced it with Holy is the Lord and Faith to Be Strong. I am wondering if I am not in an Isaac moment right now, or if we all aren't asked to continually be there - being asked to sacrifice what is seen as our all, our defining characteristic for the purpose of who He is. In that we don't know why - in the end though, the "answer is a sword that comes down hard on our hearts." Medical school is a sacrifice I made - I carry its memory - for better or worse - but I know there was no other way to be provided - there was no ram in the thickets. Now however, my current struggles are still tied to all that happened in that act back a year ago. Do I finish this degree? Is medical related work my calling? If not, am I talented enough as a writer to make it my living, or am I just feeding my ego with blogging - doing more harm than good? Do I even need a career path? Everyone I've interviewed with seems to have taken my openness to the future as flakiness and indecisiveness. I've got my barrings, I've got the buoys that I know I have to chart a course in between - but that's it - nothing more than the rough guideline provided by Christ. Horrible I know, some think I'm crazy - but I don't know. Right now I do know I need a stable job some how, a means of getting out of debt, a desire to finish school to the best of my abilities and beyond that... be there be marriage, children, culinary outlets, writing, moving or medical programs - that's too much. Is it really that lame to just want to know where my next paycheck is coming from and the amount? In that I know we were provisioned this place but beyond that I don't know where the provision for payment is, do you?

Medicine, Motherhood and Mother Teresa

There is something about the summer heat that gets me thinking – maybe it’s the long warm nights that start a fermentation process – or the break from everything that brings things together. Or just that life changes this time of year.

It all started Wednesday when I read an editorial from a third year medical student – she’s was packing it up – that was it, no more, her family had to take priority. I saw it as it would be for me – choices have to be made. We have a medical school system that has decided that it would rather choose individuals driven to the point of self destruction than pick individuals who are “well rounded,” the normal people. Now maybe they know something I don’t, like that people don’t actually want normal people to be their doctors. Maybe they don’t want someone who knows failure, sadness, depression, family issues, ailing parents, end of life needs, children (3 of the doctors in our clinic don’t know how to hold a baby properly…) etc. We have a system that rewards men and barren women – barren of soul and child. A child is not the determination of a woman, but it should be allowed. And yet here it was in today’s paper an editorial comment from a man whom I believe should be severely chastised by his peers – a scathing comment that women who want to be doctors must chose – be a doctor or be a mother, you can’t be both. Since when were they mutually exclusive? We don’t tell our male doctors – be a father or a doctor – are they not also to be involved in child rearing? If it is the case that the Canadian medical system hailed by the world, and Michael Moore (Sicko) believes that females have no place if they intend to have children then what kind of system do we have? We have a chauvinistic system, rife with machismo filth. I for one and am now glad I’ve decided to avoid that – lest I meet one these male doctors in person and give him a piece of my mind.

On to a just as cheerful note, I’ve noticed we’ve forgotten another important anniversary. Yes it is the anniversary of Princess Diana’s death; it is also the anniversary of a more influential individual – Mother Teresa. My father noted that she would be happy the world has forgotten about her – then her service can continue with out the pollution of the media. I however wonder, in the wake of Live Aid and the Princess Diana fundraiser – we have shown again that aid only occurs when it makes good TV. A fundraiser to help individuals die with dignity isn’t cheerful and fluffy, and talk of leprosy isn’t what we crave. We would rather talk about Nicole Ritchie’s “pregnancy.” We just don’t get it do we?

Well I’m not going to say I do, but I think I’m beginning to get me. Like I said to Cheryl this week - I see a destination in the distance – I just don’t know how the hell to get there… I see it clearer everyday that I have been given life to give it to others – so much so that marriage and my biological children are not necessary. My family refuses to believe so – but in the end I don’t think they really factor into those two decisions now do they?