One Change at a Time?

I guess the saying is true, when it rains it pours, and being a Vancouverite you'd think I would be comfortable with the saying, however I am not. I'm not because it apparently occurs in real life and isn't a cliche saying or idiom ingrained into our vernacular. I can't nor will I say that the changes occurring right now are horrible or undesirable, but they are stressful. Changes? Plural? You were thinking there was just the one. For whatever reason at this time there has been more changes heading my way.

So first of all, yes to be clear, and if you haven't seen the change on my Facebook status there is someone in my life - that someone is a frequent commenter. Enough said on that subject - there will be more in time. One of the main reasons is there is the additional change of a trip booked for next week. To where and when and all that really doesn't need to be here - so sorry no details - while I'm under the impression you'd have to be horribly delusional to stalk me, I figure that is normally the kind that go about doing that, so that information is not for public consumption. Now the other change - well I have a new job, I wasn't expecting it and to be honest I still don't know how to feel about how it all came to be - it was a job I wanted two years ago, but one I know looking back I was in no position to take on and now? Now I wonder if I'm still prepared to take it on. Regardless of how I feel, I know it's good for me financially and career wise... however it's not good for my anxiety level right now...

Between the impending trip, a new job next week!! and trying to learn how to communicate with someone else when my habit is to communicate with a tub of Italian Vanilla Tofulatti and a movie or better yet a treadmill.

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/apesara/2146031745/

Change (Revised/Clarified?)

According to statistics, 90% of us are unable or unwilling to change,* and yet that is not to say we can't. We still have the opportunity to change our lifestyles - diet, exercise, giving, everyday social interaction, and yet we are unable to change who we fundamentally are - that comes through grace and a transformation, that while it does involve us, it has to ability to be ultimately more life altering and ultimately eternal unlike any dietary or exercise routine could ever be. While most of us know this is occurring - Ken reaffirmed tonight a change I've been conscious of more so as of late - the world - and the change of me in it, or just it changing around me or both. Those changes are shaping a new path, a regeneration of sorts, a clarity - a clarity that "your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in your hands" Delirious. We sang that song tonight, and it provided an articulation of the recent year - I have gone from blessing to blessing and now I sit, in the sense that there is no immediate visible change - no move, no new job - and yet it is a moment where I can consciously sense change - a change that I am being to realize is/will be greater then what has occurred and yet more difficult.

As of late there has been some concern voiced as of late that there is a preoccupation with a relationship, this is to the detriment of my character, my intellect. For one I would like to say that we are all wired for community and right now first and foremost I am seeking community and not a relationship - if that was all I wanted that is a void easily filled, but God has called me to be wise about who I open my heart to and a random guy is not it. So to the issue of community, when I graduated and even when I returned to SFU, I found that there was no place within the university community for me - due to age, experience etc. Then I left Willingdon in the Fall, and I left what was my church community for my life - my youth kids, my mentors and people I had grown up with - the kids being the ones I was most directly in contact with. And now I am in the middle of my own life change - in time availability, interests and direction, much like my peers, as such it has come time for me to actively seek new community. I am consciously seeking like-minded individuals and yes many happen to be single - both men and women - as their lifestyles are similar - in doing so, I do open my life to the possibility to meeting single men, gaining friends - seeing myself in different interactions and yes possibility dating.

Now the concern specifically about this seeking community has been tied to my character and I am not sure how these actions reduce my character. Nor do I see how asking and or accepting the help of others in this process or even in dating reduces my character either. Each person we meet adds something to our lives - just like I would not take back the processes of online meeting from this spring because they further solidified what I want and the characteristics I should be weary of. So if in the end that means I email K or meet Darcy's friend the pastor - so be it - it's a moment of my life - I'm not doing anything in God's eyes that is immoral, shameful or an exemplification of poor character. And that is the end of the matter - it will not be discussed here or elsewhere again.

I want to be the 10% who can change - who can remove themselves from their pasts - grow from it and find a rich, supportive soil of friendship, grace and ultimately faith to grow into. Much like a lotus - out of the mud and sludge, beauty can grow and arise.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/toshio1/221371474/

Let It Rain

Leave the sky clear, but let it rain in my life - it's an odd request. But after the events of last night, of yesterday in general I feel a weight, and a growing call - a growing desire to do something. I've sat in front of this screen for weeks now - trying to write, trying to get something out of this brain to be the foundation of my piece for Geez magazine - and I hadn't been able to do it until yesterday. And then it flicked, clicked, whatever and now I'm face to face with a piece that challenges my view of my life - how that happened who knows?

A challenged view of life seems to be going around these days. And it is a burden I know - cracks start to form and something breaks you wide open, it's painful and you sit there wondering where it came from, and sometimes if it could just go away. Talking to Leaha last night I expressed that we carry doubts - doubts not necessarily related to the situation. I am conscious that doubts come from insidious places; they can come from the whisperings of that which seeks to turn me from my call. My doubts: Can I use my degrees? What is my life path? There is a counseling program at a Seminary I was looking at - more school? Can I serve for an NGO and not become party to that which I abhor, the missional nature of US foreign policy? Can I be married and still serve or am I called to be single? That's a huge one, single vs. married - it's one I've sat on the fence for years over - sitting there for a variety of unhealthy reasons I'm sure - just wondering if there was a healthy one that started it all - one that I lost somewhere in the process... or maybe it was a feeling to sustain me for a time - I just don't know. But I know that while I'm set on a course opposite to that feeling, I don't feel like it's wrong.

Hmm, stuff to ponder - I have a feeling there will be a lot of that going around, a lot. So forgive me if I don't post, or the posts are wordy, obtuse, and in general fragmented - words, writing, thinking, talking is how this is all brought to form, like pulling a magician's scarf out of my brain, one thought comes, then the next and so on, until I've got something, and things are a lot less cramped and confused.

So what now? Know that He provisions all as it should be - all as it is to be - for a specific time, place and period of time. Why? Sometimes we know and other times we don't.

HR person, Psychologist and a person who reads too much....

Results in a serious Sunday Brunch - seriously awesome food wise - tofu quiche - low cholesterol and all the benefits on top of tasting really good... but aside from that we talked about well a lot of what Shawn and I have been talking about - primarily because I know I need to temper what I am hearing and what I'm reading - I know that I don't lean right and the books are heavily left - though I am moving more and more in that direction. We were talking primarily about SES issues and the generational shift we've seen at SFU and how that's reflected across North America. We are currently seeing a younger generation rife with apathy and financial success, but that also change will come through a drastic force from that group. Due to SES changes there is currently the greatest opportunity for the education of new community leaders and the mobilization of migrant worker and populations that aren't marginal in size but are in relevance according to the government. There will also be a conscientious within these groups to move beyond infighting and focus on the greater issues. This all will be aided by the current downswing in the US economy. I know there are those hoping the economic influx of Christmas will aid in a resurgence, and while it may - there are other issues in effect - the war and government instability, the mortgage situation etc that are also contributing to the instability.

Times are changing... and I believe we should be right in there - there was a vegan feminist on the MennoMeet site - tattooed as well - she was working with migrant workers educating them on their rights and also for product responsibility - ensuring that companies are responsible for where they get their product. Tenth tonight had a Tim Hughes song God of Justice as part of the worship and it reaffirmed my belief that we are unbelievably selfish and longsighted in the Church - we see Heaven and God and ignore the whole of our lives - possibly another 60 years... what am I going to do with those years... work towards justice that's what I'm going to do, some how to show the chesedh of Christ. Passion is a part of that I believe that Christ has given us a passion beyond just Him to be our point of influence in the world and that He brings together people with similar visions or complimentary visions.

On that note Cheryl - Regent's whispering.... but I am ignoring it right now I have an Economist to read before bed.

Monday Mornings and a whole lot else...

I attended 10th again last night in the hopes that I would provide further clarity into this whole vision and changing churches thing - it did, I think.... While I have impulsive tendencies I do know that when it comes to faith related issues I'm lethargic, impractically slow to change, even slower as time goes on, after plenty of times in recent past where I acted impulsive I've found it just isn't the way to do it sometimes.... Impulse though is still a wonderful thing. So attending last night apparently I lost my brain in the fog of the time change, and set my alarm clock for 6:45 am, when it should have been for 5:45 - so I was a little panicked when I heard the radio say it was 7:20... while I should have been on a bus downtown, I was standing in my room with Velcro rollers in and no clue what to wear... made it to work by the grace of God on time. Back on the note of church - yes I will be continuing to attend until I see it fit to change...no more visions but serentity and emotion were definitely on the menu last night.

The whole lot else - well 10th has brought a lot of other things to the surface - such as what next? I still feel drawn towards getting my yoga certificate primarily because it's a flexible, healthy and fulfilling job and it would be nice to remove myself from the medical field. Regent is looking like a good option down the road, they offer an Interdisciplinary program, one that lends itself to a focus in Gender and the Church - a topic that I'm fascinated with - especially post last night's sermon/talk - one of the members of 10th talked about his transition through homosexuality - while I'm not a proponent of these "fixes" advertised by the Church I am aware that change's in orientation are possible... I realize that's a load statement - let me explain my thoughts - Homosexuality is complex, it is in no way a decision - I choose to be ___ today - it is a result of sociological, physical, biochemical and a myriad of other factors, each situation is different - as such I'm hesitant to even the discuss the issue of "change" as I don't feel that it should be the mindset. There though does need to be the general recognition that from a Biblical view a union is between male and female and as such it does exclude the union of same genders - furthermore it does require that any individual who is Christian and cannot enter a Church supported union to remain celibate... Tony Campolo does a better job at explaining this...

So that being said, the lack of transparency around these issues in the Church as often grieved me - when I look at Willingdon - with it's 6000+ people in services, it isn't unreasonable to assume that there are several if not hundreds of individuals dealing with some degree of relational and gender uncertainty, even extrapolate that to those individuals dealing with gender roles - like myself - finding a place for a feminist, can be just as difficult as finding a place for an effeminate male. Willingdon has never in my time dealt with any of these issues directly, more just in passing. The issue of gender roles has been slightly discussed but not in a manner which is constructive, rather a you are female because he is male - it's a definition that doesn't stand up in the long run - it can be argued that women are more masculine now due to a response of the shift towards feminization of men, which is the crux of this new movement seen with leaders like Driscoll to push the traditional concept of masculinity...

One thing I am unsure about with 10th is being that it is a younger population of primarily single individuals you can't seem to escape the whole vibe of this is dating central - not my goal in attending and a part of my life I would prefer to leave out right now - entirely, then again there was that handsome guy in the front row last night who wouldn't have been in my eye line if that guy hadn't sat next to Leah - so I blame it all on Fidgety Man...

One more thing - since I'm adding this at the end of the day - my horoscope - which I read for pure humor sake claimed today was going to be a day of passion and romance - ahaha is what I said at lunch, but why not hold out, I mean seriously I'm not going to stop it if it's coming my way... but it hasn't sigh* (relief) and off to bed.

Times are a changin'

So I've been thinking about all sorts of crazy things as of late - like were the anatomy people on something when they came up with some of these names - you think you've got the whole naming thing down and then they throw in a weird one, or the multiple naming business - trapezious muscle and a trapezoid carpal bone - no where near each other. Regardless, I need to get out of bed considering the original plan was do 9-12 at Starbucks, come home make lunch, pack up my stuff - and get to school for 1 - then do what I did yesterday - 1-4 in the recesses of the MBC and then 4-6 on the 6th floor of the AQ. I would normally study on the 6th floor of the library but the whole no food and inconsistant level of white noise drives me crazy. The 6th floor is suppose to be silent but there is always the ding of the elevator, the hum of the cellphones on vibrate, msn messanger on almost mute and being that it's almost the start of cold season which then followed by flu season (January - March)* - sniffles. The sniffles kill me. Maybe it's the repressed motherly instinct but I feel like taking a Kleenex to their face and saying "Blow!" I digress - changes are on there way - Leaha and Leah have been complaining bitterly that I write too much - Leaha makes me read the blogs to her now - a service I will extend to anyone else. And since this blog has diverted from my original purpose which was to produce more thought provoking, dare I say educational pieces - and yes to an extent comment on my life. The hope is with these changes that you may in turn comment - comments are really like best kinds of compliments because they are completely unrelated to my physical aesthetic which by all your silence we've determined I'm high maintenance but no one has or will have the guts to tell me that.... seriously I don't want to be.

So if I can keep my hands away from the keyboard I will be posting towards the end of the week - on the favorite subject of yours and mine - dealing with Christian feminists - I realized that the instruction manual never was circulated and I still run into the same issues - and I promise it will be posted in parts - short, maybe even succinct parts. It's that topic or more likely - career/life etc... since I can't seem to get the poster outside the Health and Career counseling - Career? Get One! out of my head (the picture appropriately referencing my view on things)

*PSA - While I would like to recommend you get your flu shot - it's actually VERY non-Vegan - they use eggs to incubate the virus - which is why I always get violently ill post shot in past years - so thankfully I'll have more than my allergy to get me out of the mandatory health staff poke. So this season do it the old fashion way wash your hands, exercise and eat healthy.

To my beloved patients - please do not harass me when you get the flu in November. Of course the shot didn't work - a vaccine first of all does not work instantaneously, and second - the flu vaccine is developed with a key strain in mind - the one that runs rampant through the population in Jan-Mar. You my friend just lucked out and got the bonus early edition of some rogue virus or more accurately it was a cold.

Photo courtesy of Maplemusketeer