Peace, Balance and Chickpea Curry

I can't say I've had a good night's sleep in over a week, or that I haven't had busy days and chaos, and that this week won't be hard on my weak voice - yes the laryngitis has yet to leave me. Out of all this my mom said something on the ride from their place to mine tonight - "You need a husband who loves with a sacrificial love, a love like Christ's, not selfish and self serving." Now my mom knows little to nothing of Three or any of our conversations, but apparently in all her praying He told her something I was unable to see until that moment this evening. While I was continually made to feel emotionally inadequate it was quite the opposite.

I was reading an article in an old Yoga Journal tonight that reiterated what my mom had said. "At first they appear magical, later you realize they have their wounded places and needs and unfinished business they're hoping you'll complete for them." Wow, now that's accurate. So despite the gratuitous post about K, and yes he will as he has always cause the same symptoms for me, I know it's my season to find peace and balance in Him - when the time comes to alter the dynamics, it will work and my life won't seem flooded by chaos and a cacophony of discord, sound and friction.

So I'm off to enjoy my sleep, with a tummy full of partially digested chickpea curry from VWAV and I know that regardless of tomorrow - His mercies are new and He's doing something with this life - looking forward to the glimpses of it - as I know the whole plan I will only see when this life is over.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/9722894@N06/726885563/

As I sit here,

Staring at his band t-shirt and the card from Valentine's Day, I'm not sure what to do with it. Richard's stuff - that was easy - burn it, Ryan's, well tossing it seems cold, but I need catharsis - maybe I'll do what I did with Richard's stuff - stash it somewhere until the mixed emotions clarify, or more so for our current situation, when all the codeine laced cough syrup leaves my system.

But on the note of catharsis, I'm done with crying - I feel like this weekend is mine to banish winter, the demon cold/flu - which has now been labeled by some an intentional "gift" to cancel the trip and get me high enough on codeine and out of my mind to just spit out what I've been suppressing for a while now, and to regain a bit more of who I am or to be and maybe just have fun.

So to achieve that I'm buying myself some tulips, making a trip to Donald's, buying a waffle maker, and spending an afternoon in McLeod's books looking for first editions and filling out my collection. And then taking some groceries to my parents' house on Saturday night and spending the weekend with Maximus and watch Earth - since I haven't seen it yet and maybe a Stephen Frears film. As to the waffle maker - well good food goes a long way to healing the soul - waffles, coffee and a sun rise looking at Seymour with Max sitting on the newspaper - no other way to start a Sunday.

And my song of the moment.

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/sonicwalker/2298249997/

Walk Away....

We all know I have the death cold/flu - and maybe the excessive amount of drugs have consumed as of late have effected my brain, but then again I think I've known that I've had to do this for a while now. I canceled the flight, no Kansas, no ruby slippers, none of it. Why? Because I realized something a few weeks ago after the fight about Shawn/E and my talk with Seth, that I wasn't really into it - that there were moments I was but as a whole at some point in time I had started building a wall - why and how I do not know but I know a lot of it came from issues. Ultimately I realized several things:

1. The whole date no one for a year thing - was a good idea
2. I need to grow as me find the right path for me - separate from someone else needs
3. The absence of No does not mean Yes
4. There is no harm in putting yourself out there
5. I can't do the online thing - I need to grow into someone, the rush doesn't work for me

In the end though I have to say though I walked away - he sure wasn't up for a fight, which disappointed me in some strange way - with all the medications in me and lack of voice you think you would have put up a fight.

You're a great guy Ryan (aka Three), I'm just not the woman you need.

"Honest to Blog"

I think I need more nights with Leaha - no offense Three and Tim - we respectively love you - but seriously it's not the same and that's a good thing right? So we're having fun, hey Three you told me to smile more and since you're not here to do that - Leaha's substituting and she's doing a really good job at it. She doesn't give me butterflies but I guess I'm just going to have to deal with that now don't I? By the way, she wants a shirt too - but you're going to have to find a way to make it smell like Tim to get the full effect for her.

In search of ruby slippers...

While Toto and Dorothy may not be in Kansas anymore - I will be in 4 weeks - and hopefully my bag will be here by then too...

Huh? Well where to start? Recent and work back I guess. I bought a bag from Matt and Nat - it's vegan and Canadian and even more important I've been wanting one for months - and it went on sale and today was the last day - so yes - I have another "adult" purse for my trip. Now trip you say? What trip? No I'm not off to Vegas or anywhere exotic - but I'm off to Kansas - yes you read correctly. Now what's in Kansas than a lot of land locked nothing? Well Three is in Kansas and so I'm off on my ridiculously cheap trip departing Seattle at 12pm on the 13th of March - so I expect you all there - no just kidding if any of you show up you're likely to see one very anxious, panicked Jenn - yes I hate flying just as much as I hate the idea that I have to wait all those hours by myself to land in an unfamiliar airport, by myself - and praying that my luggage made it all there. And then the whirlwind from what I hear is set to begin - starting with me spending my evening in a "saloon" yes that's the name of the place where Three's band just happens to have a show that night. Now I know, me in a bar/club/drinking establishment? Well we can hope that the Ativan I'm going to take for the flight will continue and ensure that I don't look so rigid and uncomfortable - being more or less by myself in a strange city and in a venue that even here in Vancouver would make me more or less uneasy in. Well he's super excited so I'm not going to burst his bubble - if he's happy I can deal with it.... So has it sunk in yet? Kansas people, I'm going to Kansas - wow, I don't know, too late now I guess.



Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/zachishere/1089169607/

Er, Wow...

It's funny to try and define emotions, especially when all you're left with are words so commonly used that they've lost their meaning in an a culture over-saturated with the superficial and the aesthetics. All our words or phrases related to romantic affections are tainted - like, love, beauty, butterflies, tingliness, the foot pop kiss. Yes even that elusive foot pop kiss. And yet I find myself trying to use these words as inadequate as they are to describe, contain or bring further into form feelings, emotions that I have no reference for. The thing I find so bizarre and yet calming is just that peace - I have peace about this - the kind of go to bed and sleep sound - not tossing and turning anxiety. There is no weight on my heart, soul or mind - it's just a feeling of progress where this may lead.

You know where it led today? Valentine's Day cards, standing in Celebration at lunch, starring at Valentine's Day cards and wondering if I had entered some parallel universe because other than elementary school I honestly can't remember a time I have consciously stood there and debated and since they don't have a card for our current situation - I turned my attentions elsewhere - yes maybe it was lame but I figured - this is going long term I get to go all cheesy next year - make up for all the years I cursed the commercialization of affections... still with you in spirit on it Jocelyn though I figure Leaha and I are for the time excommunicated from the we hate romantic holidays and loathe boys club... can't say I'm complaining, sorry but I can't...

Okay, so I promise the emotionally intense Jenn will be departing for sometime and the angsty one will return since my books came from Chapters - so hopefully like Shawn says my other personality can come out and play...



http://www.flickr.com/photos/lyndsayhphoto/2184456914/in/photostream/

Well now...

What to say? I think the stupid happy smile is going to make it hard to avoid the topic of Three with my parents - thankfully I don't live with them and rather I live with Leaha who's face has had the same I like a boy and a boy likes me smile for the last few weeks. So likely as it has for Leaha my brain is going to have a difficult time not turning to mush. Hopefully work and my big stack of books that have come from Chapters will keep me occupied. In the mean time to keep ya'll occupied. The following - now I do have to warn all you picky music lovers - it is country. But even if you have to put it on mute and watch it - I love the binary and that both scenes have dancing. While you won't see me dancing in a pew any time soon - it's the whole being a Mennonite thing - I don't feel like it's a natural expression in that setting - not that it's not in general - just for me it isn't. Regardless I don't believe that what we are taught, that dancing leads to sex is fair - let's be honest just about anything hormonal teenagers do together could lead to sex... but that's a whole other blog.

Music or no music - I love the visuals - then again that's just me, the neurotic literature person - I spend the majority of my day dissecting the elements and influences in media - just for the heck of it...

So I think I have an answer...

It's not an answer I will write in stone - I've got two very important phone calls to make tomorrow - one to my friend of a decade plus - the girl who has loved me through every crazy crush I've ever had and the one I loved through her elopement etc - Tasha, and my mentor of almost half a decade - Seth. Both I'm due to talk to about said situation. But to be honest I know Tasha's answer and Seth's too... that's what time gets you - predictable counsel - not necessarily a good thing or maybe it's a sign of spiritual growth - I know the boundaries clearer - the yes' and no's...

Regardless - I finished Sex God today, and I have to say wow, there's a lot to take in and I don't know if any other book could have applied to this situation as well, and yet I'm conscious it applies to a multitude of situations completely different than mine. Rob Bell said something profound to me, oh one of zero self censorship

"It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit

and thoughts

and fears

and future

and hopes

and dreams...

that is being naked" (156-157).

Now granted I haven't had sex, so we can't comment on that aspect, but it made me realize something - that for all the transparency I attempt to convey through this format, it's actually for one not, and two it's a replacement of the genuine form we all desire. Now let me clarify - I do attempt to be transparent, but it is very clear that I can't nor will I stand emotionally naked for everyone, it's not feasible. We do in rare cases show skin to those we grow to trust, but for the most part we do a really good job at teasing while keeping as much on has humanly possible. That too is in part an issue I know I have as much as a part of me has the fear of not specifically commitment but more so of losing myself in the whole process, but also there is this fear that ties to that whole losing of one's self in the transparency - the more open I become with someone the more I have to trust that they see me as God does and not with ulterior motives - and yes I am conscious we all have our ulterior motives... so here we are - with an answer and yet no answer and almost 24hours to spare. Did I mention I'm not patient?

To occupy sometime - a wonderful song we were introduced to tonight:

Is the Absence of No a Yes?

I struggle and I think we all do with God in sense we know what we shouldn’t do - Ten Commandments – got those down – can’t say I’ve been crafting a Baal as of late – though my laptop is getting there – but that’s another issue altogether… I know what I am to do – Love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind and soul, love my neighbour as I would desire to be treated – regardless of who my neighbour is, turn the other cheek, walk the extra mile beyond what is desired and etc – we know those – the whole application thing we falter on but again that is a different blog.

The real issues come in the gray matters and those times where we don’t have those gut “No” feelings, if I’ve got no feeling on the matter against and I’ve got my own desires towards the Yes, where are You? Are you in those desires or is my mind at the mercy of forces of folly and falsehood?

You know I’m not going to say I have an answer because I don’t – I don’t have a clear one but I do have a book that Leaha gave me – and you know having a Godly roommate is a blessing profound. The book? Sex God by Rob Bell – and for those of you who have not read it – it is about you know, but more specifically about the desire for connection – the combination of sexuality and God – that our sexuality comes from our desire to connect where connection is lost – and it is also a recognition of the life spark, the soul of each of us divinely provisioned by our Creator – I could go on but it would be faster if you just read the book – it’s short and simple – which when you’ve got minimal blood glucose going on is a wonderful thing…. The chapter that really clicked for me was Chapter 5 “She Ran into the Girl’s Bathroom” – it’s about the risk involved in putting yourself out there – someone can accept you or reject you and vice versa, but the reality is this interaction/dynamic is “true from junior high dances to marriage proposals to inviting someone for coffee” (Bell 89). He goes on after describing a passage in Song of Solomon “So much potential, adventure, possibility. This could be us! Come with me. . . Does she leave? Does she go to the door in the wall and walk through to the other side? Because it isn’t just a wall, it’s a way of life. If she says yes to his offer, she’s trading what she knows in for the unknown…. This could all blow up in her face (Bell 93).”

It’s an interesting thing to be faced with that which is the primary thing that holds you firm to the platform – the binary of desires – yes and no, jump and don’t jump, the think of the future and what future?

So that is where I’m at – no NO, but no YES, and a world of intelligent opinion for one side right now – and yet I would just prefer if God could hand me a note with one of the two options checked, like back in elementary school – it would be so much easier.

Here I Stand

It's amazing that I continually find myself again, sitting on this ledge pondering whether to jump or not. To take the plunge - in this case ponder a ticket purchase. I've been here before with all sorts of other emotions - doubt, conviction, fear, foreknowledge and more often than not His firm whispering No, this is not the time, trust Me. So now I sit here and I don't hear that whisper, and now I'm wondering what now? Is it in me to jump regardless of the possible outcome? Why do I feel different? I feel this unsettling peace, this desire to progress and yet there are fears - apprehensions - emotions colliding and blending into indistinguishable combinations - hope and fear, joy and pain etc...

So a break is what is going to occur this weekend Three and I won't talk until Monday. I'm going to cancel my engagements and fast - Sundown to Sundown - Friday Night to Saturday Night which is a crazy thing for me considering my regimented diet and temperamental blood sugars but I think it's essential - like I said to Leaha - this without a doubt warrants it. In addition to that I would like prayer from you the readers that we both come to a united decision about the future actions. Specifically if we meet soon or more or less call things off for a period of time and at a later date pursue a friendship, or another possibility that neither of us see at the moment. That and sleep, I haven't slept through the night in almost two months if not longer.





Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/evecls/453883797/

This Can't Be Happening....

Despite Damien Rice and migraine medication - I'm still smiling that stupid smile - Leaha I don't know if I can live life like this - you know happy, face hurting happy...

Wonderful Tonight...

So my day didn't turn out how I had planned – didn’t make it to Donald’s to pick up essentials – I’ll have to do that tomorrow if I get out of the office on time or I’ll go over to Safeway on my lunch so I can limp along – the tofu didn’t get a chance to marinate – and made chick’n strips instead – and it was the worst batch yet… oh well, the bathroom is still messy but since I’ll be showering at the gym this week I’ll get to ignore it…regardless like most things that have not gone according to plan in my life - I can say I would not have been able to plan the outcome as well. That's the unique thing about our plans - we can try to determine the course - we can even maintain the course but eventually we come back to where we are to be - and on that path we surprisingly find the greatest peace and reassurance - a reminder that we are headed in the right direction not only by how we feel internally but also by the dialogue that surrounds us.

So while I would like to talk about Three I’ve decided to chart a new course – in my "relationship" with Three – how the whole thing evolves and in how it is on this blog – he’ll get mentioned, but like Leaha said of Online Boy there is no way to discuss it – do it justice, maintain the special/sacred nature of something that is developing and also in the end not sound crazy. But I do have to say this - there have been very few who have left me with abdominal pain or a feeling of blissful asphyxia from laughing so hard.

So on that note I’ve got a cup of Peppermint tea to finish, a journal to write in and a bed that is angry we didn’t get to spend more time together today. But right now to replay a song...

One thing to add while journaling the following came into the mix:

A Pancakes Morning...

I've sat here looking at the screen for over a half an hour trying to figure out where to start, if I need to and what the end would be - changed the music I've been listening to as of late, read over old posts and you know I don't know.

I know it's a morning for pancakes, and since laptop keys and syrup don't mix I best get this finished if I can even get it started. Writer's block it's been the story of the last month for me - I've yet to even get a decent draft of that article done for Geez and now the panic is combining with the overall inability to form my thoughts together from before with the ever mounting self pressure that this maybe my shot - or more so I should treat it as such.

Spending the weekend with my parents didn't help me much for the cognitive aspect and blogging - they require so much energy but even more so access into my private life. Where the rest of the individuals to pass through my life have maybe been a slight blip on the radar of conversation if anything. I had a conversation with Three on Sunday afternoon - and of course my mother wants to know everything. How did she know? Well we did the video format - so I was talking instead of typing for the most part - which while I can talk a mile a minute if I really warm up to it - I feel more comfortable typing - there is a stronger connection between my fingers and brain. However as we found that connection, fingers and brain, is hard to follow if you aren't aware that I have multiple things running at one time in my lovely brain...

So plan for today? I was going to go to the gym, but since I slept in - it's my day off I can - my schedule is off - so instead:

1. Pancakes
2. Clean kitchen
3. Clean room - organize, put away laundry etc.
4. Clean floor - yay for my Swifter vac thing
5. Shower - clean bathroom
6. Lunch ... don't know
7. Nap - again day off I can catch up on my sleep, plus I have a thing for naps a thing akin to my thing for coffee...
8. Walk to Donald's do grocery shopping
9. Dinner - thinking Italian tofu, but not sure, craving a Portobello mushroom... maybe some kind of stuffed mushroom or hmm don't know will have to consult Isa on this one.
10. We'll see - Internet TV watching? MSN? Sleep - it's an early morning tomorrow or *gasp* if we're lucky writing.

Thanks to Charming for the video

Quite the Day

I feel like one act has changed the course - that yes there is hope and it isn't found in K* - contrary to what was said before the third time maybe the charm. That's about all I can say - aside from awesome taste in music, support of my left wing veganism and pacifism... The following a sample of the list I was suggested - I've got a lot of listening to do to get up to speed apparently I've been missing out on a lot.