Flashback

Wow, it's amazing how a song can bring you back to a moment - Jami Smith's Your Love is Deep, came on the radio (I listen to a Christian station out of Oklahoma when I'm looking for white noise), it took me a moment to recognize it and then the Russian words came back me. No, the song was in English, but it was one of the one Shirley-Ann, Darrell and I sang while leading worship in Perm/Kungur. The reason I mention it is I haven't heard the song in the last 3+ years, it's sad - it brings me back to a place and time I would rather forget for so many reasons. And then I read the lyrics and thought about it again - that moment marked the only time I have ever sung in public or will ever. Wonder if He kept distracted with everything to give me that moment - one that if I had focused on it any more I would have likely worried myself into an early grave. I've included the phonic Russian translation of the song just in case you're curious, yes it was a mouthful at times - back to my memorization and of course procrastination baking.

Your love is deep (Vya lebov)
Your love is high (Gluboh kaya)
Your love is long (Beeyeskrynia)
Your love is wide (Sharo kaya)

Deeper than my view of grace (Vushe shiem niebeeyes nee svod)
Higher than this worldly place (Gloubsha shiem puchina vod)
Longer than this road I travel (Dalsha shiem-moi putziem noi)
Wider than the gap You filled (Eepa balsha shiem griech moi)

Who shall separate us (Khto ras lucheed nas)
Who shall separate us from Your love (Khto at-lucheed nas at voie luvee)
Nothing can separate us (Neekhtoneah ras-lucheed nas)
Nothing can separate us from Your love (Neektoneah at-lucheed as at voie luvee)

Cornered

My mother just stopped by to drop off my Compassion letters and my GST check, she also decided it was time to do the motherly prod into my life. You okay? Sure I'm okay - I tried to squeak out as nonchalant as possible - it's midterm season - I was up until past one and awake at 8:30 this morning, combine that with my erratic gym and work schedule and my life has been well like a snow globe - she looked at me, and I knew she could see through the excuse. The lyrics My skin got so thin you could see right through it, And I started that's my story and I'm stickin' to it... came to mind in that moment. But she's gone and I dodged that bullet.
Well there was another moment in the last 24 hours where I felt like the one cornered, not in the whole aggressive sense, but more so the tables turned on me - my only real experience with this whole lay it all out there and discourse through it, had been the brutal arguments Darrell and I used to have. I learned once it started to go south, that to get out of it with my dignity in tact to follow his lead and go for the jugular - but when you're the one with more demons locked away - it is isn't always the best option. That being said this whole situation has come down to something far less angst ridden and a whole lot less desperate if you will. You may think someone is wrong, but in the end you're going to be better for it, was a lesson I learned quickly the first time. Do not try an argue with the person in the hopes they will realize the error of their way - it does not work that way - never has and never will. The second time I had to deal with this type of situation, I thankfully avoided the whole thing under the pretenses of politeness and then with the aid of alcohol at the staff Christmas party - I guess that's why Brian makes sure it's free. Now my third time around with the same sort of conversation and I'm trying to figure out if maybe that's why I was drawn to the online thing. The Darrell situation was long, too long and drawn out - almost a year and a half of drama. Andrew was about 8 months and thankfully this has been what the grand total of a few weeks start to finish, can't be all that bad right?

Regardless - it's all not for me, whatever is happening in my life - whatever God is trying to get born while occupying me with horrible work schedules, bills and an over intuitive mother is going to stand in the way of whatever I think I may want at this stage - and in the end, again as Cheryl et al know marriage isn't something I'm particularly sold on - the concept is great - I get that but in the recesses of my mind and heart is the continuous voice that says you know that's not to be your life and this will continue to happen until you get it - yours is to be a solitary journey - sure there will be fellow travellers but there will never be a travelling companion for you- your life is not destined for that. I know it is not a measure of who you are or have not become - it is not as my cousin said in her wedding vows an indication of faith - to be married does not say you're a better Christian... nor to be single does not mean to world finds you distasteful. It does however mean that the journey you are on is for you and you alone. Like I said to Jordan earlier today - I guess I'm a river - and I starting to see now I'm surrounded by a lot of highways....

Just to add - Leah commented on the previous post and the idea of molds - I used to have a set list of requirements, a check list if you will - that's become a loose concept as of late - Requirements follow: Christian (non-evangelical/non-moral majority type), non-Type A, flexible - a go with the flow type person if you will - basically everything I'm not - there is a spectrum of people - I'm not interested in someone as or more Type A than me - that's crazy, someone willing to accept that I don't really have a solid idea of my future, someone who's sense of humor is not primarily sarcastic, flexible on the children issue - as they are a spot of indecision and if I have them - they're going to be adopted, and accepts the whole deal - the whole sordid mess of baggage, the feminist, the fighter, the passive, the broken, the well repressed daredevil, the vegan, the procrastinator. It actually looks extensive... but the first two are the set in stone ones. It think in the end we all have some idea of what we want whether it's superficial and has to do with the appearance - tall dark and handsome or something like that - or the crazy long list I used to have... the key is knowing the set in stone issues - one of my past coworkers for her it's no children - doesn't want any and that's final.

Photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/livingwilderness/.

Time for some honesty

Cheryl is back - hallelujah! And since she wasn't in the loop of what has gone down she had some astute observations, two namely - one I'm more blunt in person than I am on the blog - and that should change, and two I seem to have this thing for emotionally stunted/unavailable, vaguely descriptive artistic men - specifically those who can use a guitar and a camera. Damn, that's accurate and horribly embarrassing. Darrell was the first one - socially inept, emotionally vague - I remember watching him squirm on the flight back to Seattle from Moscow - he had just given me the talk - the I really, really like you but you're not the kind of girl who can be a pastor's wife talk. I more or less said that was BS (Pastor Lee was infront of us - swearing wasn't going to fly). How so? I prodded - apparently I wasn't compassionate enough - because I wasn't a preschool teacher or a nurse. But Marie was - Marie was a nurse.... and so they started dating and of course it went south - she was this woman he fit into a mold of his bizarre romantic notions. I didn't learn of course from that lesson, Darrell came back knocking a year later under the guise of friendship and we ended up continually having it out as I tried desperately to get him out from behind the guitar and everything else to say that he'd been wrong - marriage isn't about a list, it's about a coming together of two people with a common direction, compatible personalities and love and sure lust is somewhere in there too - I don't want to marry someone who thinks I fulfill their list - because one day someone will come along to get their attention. And so now we've in short order laid down the same scene - granted and I'm sure the new one is happy I couldn't corner him 11 hour Aeroflot flight to get the whole truth - and honestly that does irritate the hell out of me - but we're at the same place as Darrell and I were "friends" to borrow from Ms. Clarkson - Friend? What does that even mean? So there you go Cheryl - it's blunt, too the point, it's everything I was trying not to do... but in the end I guess I don't really care what he thinks of me (part of me still does but whatever) - since I'm pretty sure his mind was made up long before 1pm last Saturday.