I'm not, am I?

While I'm letting my Naan dough rise - it's time to discuss something Leaha said this weekend ,while we were discussing the previous subject, that is still bothering me - I'm high maintenance - was that the problem on Saturday? My knee jerk reaction of course was no. I hear high maintenance and I think like Jess (haha - sorry no of course you're not), actually like celebrity, anyone who lives in Yaletown - big distinction between those who work there and those who live there - like servants vs. masters. Leaha insisted - her requirements/distinctions - were the hair and makeup. Well those depend on the day - if I'm wearing scrubs to work - who cares what I look like - seriously I look pregnant in those things anyways and any guy who would hit on a pregnant woman is not the kind of guy for me - though given the direction of things maybe I should start aiming for that niche group. Along with the no makeup is the hair is always in a ponytail - as it normally is - I hate it growing out... the things I do for those I love. But yes there are days like today when I have to work for Dr. K, that I have to wear business professional clothes, heels, the hair straightened and makeup. Are there other definitions of high maintenance? Or do people see someone who's vain when they look at me?

A part of me doesn't bother to think of what the world sees when they look at me because I know it's distorted and I really would prefer not to consider that any males look at me - which is what happens when you start to consider that you're being examined by society. To be objectified in any form is wholly repulsive and unnerving. That being said how do we walk the balance - relationships are built on physical attraction, regardless to the degree it is of importance or whether you even acknowledge that it factors in - so that being said we then would naturally be concerned that our appearance is in line with who we are - the image projected is accurate to the person in the clothes. Yet I don't believe that's possible - take myself for example, what does a Christian, vegan, environmentally conscious, pro-life, literature geek, epicurean who is as comfortable in her red 4 inch D'Orsay style stilettos (similar to those above - so you don't have to Google D'Orsay) as she is camping for weeks at a time. And if any of you suggest that hairy legs are part of look - no baking for you. Then again that would just reaffirm the stereotypes right. Let's break it down -
Christian = bland, chaste
Vegan and Environmentally conscious = dreads, gothesque appearance and tattoos*
Pro-life = see Christian
Literature geek = Value Village chic, glasses,* no makeup
Epicurean = Vancouver dress code - Lululemon, Whole Foods bag,* and yes Leaha - Starbucks*
Stilleto's = Aritzia, hair extensions and manicure
Camper/Outdoors person = MEC/The North Face attire

*Indicates current presence in appearance, and yes while I do own a lot of Lululemon - it's never worn outside of the gym - ew, and I share the love when it comes to my caffeine addiction - with yes a preference for those places that sell organic, fair trade, shade grown - like Laughing Bean - if they had a Higher Grounds outside our house you'd know where to find me.

So then... where does that leave us. It leaves me with Naan that's ready and you with an opportunity to weight in. And yes before I go - Cheryl I am aware of the shoe brand I picked - of course it is deliberate... but if were to say Carrie's one of my hero's it would negate the blog wouldn't it.

PS. Since I don't want to post another blog - but I'm so excited - in my email box this morning, Sven's translation - yippee - it's all done, now just to sketch it out and decide on colors... won't my mother be so pleased - at least she can't kick me out like she threatened.

Per Leaha's request

Leaha claims that my blogging is her source of emotional articulation - she wants an angry blog from me. The funny thing is I don't think I have it in me to articulate something that I honestly have no desire to acknowledge I could be feeling right now - really I don't. But since Leaha's not here, Tasha's in T.O. and Cheryl is somewhere frantically packing, moving or sewing - it's just me and my computer. Sure I guess I could journal, and maybe I should, but non-bluntness and censorship aren't qualities I possess as those who really know and have held on with me through all this.

So, first of all Leaha we need to start stocking booze in this house - the liquor store is like a block away - and with all the stress and sleep deprivation as of late and now the recent events - some tequila or vodka would be great right now. If we had that and I could follow a few shots with a blisteringly hot shower the rest would not follow - guaranteed. So the gut feeling - face plant-esque moment that I had been preparing myself for occurred. Yes I am aware that by using that analogy there is an implication there - and yes that implication is what you think it is. Oh, to be back on this side of the equation, I prefer it when it's the other way around to be honest. I find it horribly frustrating that my actions serve to reaffirm that which I don't want to reaffirm... I've faltered on this path in the past and as such removed myself from it - found it an affirmation that in the end none of it is for me. And you know, regardless of what some may think or feel or even say - to falter on this path continually comes back to the self - what did I do, say, look like or whatever. In the end - the single and happy girl has to put the walls back together and move on with my own life. I know that I've been hoping that things would start changing in the end I guess the more things change in other aspects of my life the more this aspect remains the same.

And on that note - no more of the website - that's right - Leaha was able to extrude from my conversations over the past few days that I need to completely remove myself from all of this - be it made clear it's not a result of the previous event, it is however reaffirmed by it - there's no place for any of this in my life now or for the extended future - miss independent was right in the end - bring on the 5 year job commitments, the old Jenn is back and as apathetically angry as before. I know you're all glad, I'm sure I definitely will be in the morning.

Postscript - I really feel convicted if you will to reiterate that this is not frustration directed at a person. Yes, while there is a slightly bruising, natural in these cases. It is the culmination of events that are the result of this blog, and have been for the last 5 years of my life - should those years determine my future? Maybe, maybe not but at the end of this day and the ones that will follow for a long while until someone can give me a good enough reason why not than yes, these sentiments will continue - I've blogged about it several times before - k, so maybe you think I'm cool or what have you but I'm know who I am - and that Type A, planner, wholly emotionally invested and too blunt for her own good person is best of on her own. Why? Because there are dueling parts of her brain right now that say, oh just f__ it, to the pain as well as to this person you were thinking of, sure why not... and in the end that's just asking for another oh just f___ it when it comes to life. So no, not unless they're prepared to read the blogs, all of them and know what they're up against - then I say sure if they're willing I guess I'm prepared to consume more alcohol when this all repeats itself.

And the shoes? As noted before, back in June under the topic Facebook - a pair of these handmade vegan stilettos would make the world even better than a very strong martini would.