Beautiful

These guys know how to write - I can't wait for them to come back to town or more importantly for their new CD to come out - there's was one of the best concerts I've ever seen.

Check it Out - Sorry for the linkage but it's not embeddable right now and Imeem doesn't have a full clip of the song - I'm sure you guys can handle it.

Snowy Sunday

I've been thinking about life as of late - more specifically trying to decide if I should take a week off and head to SoFlo in February for a respite week or if I can manage to have a respite week off here - more then likely it will end of being wasted here in bed. SoFlo is warm, cheap to get to right now and did I mention warm - it hasn't been above 0C in well over a week. And I just purchased a large portion of my required training supplies, just the toque, watch and shoes left... wasn't really my intention but I went to Lulu with my dad to pick out a Christmas gift and figured why not - I'm here, they have a new running line - might as well. Bless him, he waited like 30 minutes while I fought with their new "Hold Them in There" tops - I don't think I need to give you the details - lets just say sizing was an issue.

Well now I have no excuse - running supplies, check, spending guilt, check, running weather, no check and there is my excuse - a goodness how am I suppose to run in -6C, -13C with the windchill, snowing and it's either icy and bare or some combination of packed or fluffy... maybe the April half is going to have to be postponed... I know I've run a 10k with minimal training, and could run one now - it wouldn't be glamorous but it could be done with little pain, but a 13miler - well honey - that could be very ugly - and I am conscious that if it's super ugly like Mike's expression we could be having SERIOUS doubts about a full one. So maybe Seattle's June race will be the first one - who knows. Anyways we will see.

PS. As for the dethroning - the snow is going to K safely where he is - probably a good thing, feeling the personal hotness is kind of key and right now I'm not quite there - the next time Sheree plays in a bar I'll be all over that - PROMISE!!

Take Me Back Part 2

I watched Twilight - not all of it - part of it - and I get it. I understand now. It's the less historically/classical based, but pop culture equal to the movie this song is from. The swarthy male and strong yet vulnerable female, rife with teenage angst and enough sexual tension to come reeking off the screen and infect the entire audience.

A Year In Review

I mentioned before that I love reading my old blogs - there is so much that makes me smile, wrinkle my mouth in that sort of uncomfortable emotion way and just sigh a times. It started out much the same that is year is starting out - which actually surprised me to be honest. A part of me feels like I haven't changed at all, and yet a part of me wonders if the person who shows up every time at this laptop is some how showing up in life, in the day to day, that she's living beyond the brown and white of this blog or the other blogs. I know my emotions have changed - I don't think I've listened to Linkin Park, Foo Fighters or gasp Eminem in the last 3 months - I used to live on their lyrics - the answer to that why, I don't know - I still have to say I think the Foo's latest album was amazing.

This past year I have managed to achieve the following - as per usual there will be a little or a lot sarcasm involved:

1. Started therapy
2. Started group therapy
3. Stood outside a Crisis Pregnancy center for 30minutes on a busy street waiting for my first counseling visit - and no I was not and have never been pregnant.
4. Ate meat - even red meat - including two really good cheeseburgers and one horribly digested steak - so the last time I'm consuming good red meat.
5. Ate at least 4 tubs of ice cream myself and suffered at least a months worth of heartburn interrupted sleep due to those decisions.
6. Got engaged
7. Got unengaged
8. Witnessed my roommate get engaged - sort of- like in she got engaged and then moved out...
9. Did not witness the wedding - at therapy camp.
10. Travelled on my own - to only one of the two destinations I bought tickets for - the other I'm not sad I missed seeing - sorry Kansas.
11.Realized I have some awesome friends - I knew already but ya'll showed your true colours.
12. Saw SoFlo and swam in their ocean - way oh way too salty - but not hypothermia inducing so I don't know about that.
13. Read only two books - Michael Ondaatje and a book for therapy, though I started about a dozen others.
14. Found out how to keep up to date on all my TV watching without a TV.
15. Got a new roommate - and explained the wonders of the toque.
16.Decorated my home for Christmas - my home, my Christmas - I have lights!!!
17. Did Christmas shopping all before the last week before Christmas.
18. Started consuming more alcohol
19. Did Thanksgiving with Jocelyn's family - they aided in 18 for which I am thankful.
20. Saw more concerts - Ray LaMontagne and Duffy.
21. Introduced to new artists - Adele and Leona Naess
22. New stressful job - yay me!!!
23. Actually staying emotionally and relationally celibate when I said I would - big deal folks - big deal.
24. Realized my weaknesses
25. Keeping weaknesses off blog - but telling key people.
26. Sketching - started all over, after a week of not being able to sleep before sketching - I have a gallery opening if I could just find the artist.
27. Agreed to run a half and a full marathon - next year...
28. Left in my online dating wake 3 men - one named, the other anonymous and the last tagged Three.
29. Helped Leaha move on past BMMWH and I guess I moved on too.
30. Saw Capilano Suspension Bridge twice - one on one of the hottest days of the year and one on one of the coldest - both incredibly bad times to be there.
31. Became more addicted to my computer
32. Fell in love with 3 beautiful children, who just happen to live on the other side of the country.
33. Realized that taking apart my life is okay, it's not a sweet adventure, but savory - a kind of better in the end, but there is no real end kind of process.
34. Found that being weak is not bad, and that maybe I don't know what weak and strong really are. Just like I need to learn what love and trust are.

PC's, Do We Need Them?

Maybe my subconscious is revolting about the planned expulsion of K from the throne of my fairytale future, regardless I found myself wondering this morning as I was flat ironing my hair - is K my Mr. Rochester? Is he there because I need him to be, not just in the sense of holding up a pillar of my self perception but more so as a figure demonstrating those essential characteristics I/we truly long for. Now hear me out. I'm not saying they are the characteristics we truly need but I do think that our PC represents something of who we desire, or whatever we could have and be with if nothing stood in the way, say time, fiction or whatever. Much like our dream jobs - they hold something for us, they urge us forward. Maybe our PC's urge us forward towards that love, the love that is all consuming, a wild abandon kind of love - and no I don't mean to imply there is no work involved at all, but there is something to that kind of love that is different.

Mr. Rochester is my fictional PC, and not the Wide Sargasso Sea version, the "illegitimate" child raising/supporting man who in his pride and stubbornness tries to love without full honesty and disclosure and in the end actually gives Jane one of the most beautiful gifts - a gift I was sort of given - the forceful push into brutal and harsh uncertainty only to find that life is experienced through our emotions, through our failures. She returns once she frees herself from St. John and finds a very different man. Return I must not and will not.

What about Mr. Darcy? He's the favorite of many - the handsome yet pompous asshole, did I mention handsome, who redeems himself and we see a new man, maybe a man always there, but we're led to believe it was us, our love for him that redeemed him, that freed his soul to the man that was there all along.

Maybe we even believe in the PC of Disney's manifestation, though I do have to say they strike me as well, 2 dimensional, or even less a true caricature of who a man is to be - there is no redemption for these men - they are the save the day, my woman is hot and all that's all that matters kind of characters and our PC's are beyond that.

When it comes down to it - they are multilingual, multifaceted, flawed, broken, stubborn, loving men - they're the kind that stick by their woman. The stuff that dreams and really great classical fiction are made of and maybe even your future someone.

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The Dethroning

I've been tossing and turning for the last hour - partly because there has been a blog rolling around in my head and my Internet was not working and partly because I had a nap late this afternoon - I had to - well I had to do that or have a strong drink and since my stomach was a little churny I opted for the nap. Why the decision - I shopped at Walmart today... Wait! I can explain - I had to, seriously - I have spent the last week and a bit searching desperately for cellophane to wrap my boss' gift in and I could not find it - and well I found where it's been hiding. Walmart. Gah, I should have stocked up while I was there but I couldn't stomach it.

I am officially a stalker with a non stalker purpose if you can call it that. Christmas Presence is on Sunday and I know that PC will be playing the drums for one of the artists. I knew that long ago so when I was offered a ticket and a chance to not attend alone I jumped at the opportunity. Not so that I could gaze longingly, but rather so I could once and for all give myself the gift of a PC vacated throne. I want to know, to see that me now can do that - can look and objectively walk away or walk towards - more effective and say Merry Christmas and casually walk away.

This is how I see it and this is how I feel it will go down. If I have the nerve and or opportunity to walk haltingly towards PC, I will likely groan/mutter/crackle out a Merry Christmas and then stand there getting increasingly red while he stands perplexed at my embarrassed/stressed demeanor, asks the standard familial questions - which this year I get the added complexity of dancing around, before trying to desperately make my exit before my mouth goes completely dry and my palms start to drip. Horror of all horrors he will be a current reader of this blog and that will enter the conversation at which time, I will likely start bursting capillaries in my face from the flushing of my complexion and attempt to make a graceful yet hasty exit.

Fairy tales however dictate that the following will happen. I will have the nerve to walk with a sexy yet demure strut towards PC, I will strike up a conversation with composure and grace or make a polite ass of myself - the later actually is better for the sake of the story and make a hasty exit to the snow covered parking lot (a guarantee right now) in an attempt to flee said situation only to be followed by PC expressing his long held secret love.

I must confess I was almost gaging during the typing of the last situation - though I have to say in true perfectly me fashion I believe it would be the first situation with the last line of the last situation - crimson face, stomach turning, mumbling embarrassment coupled with redemption - if only.

But at the end of the day all I hope to accomplish is no fall, no stumbling and an empty throne - my Christmas gift to my relationship/emotional health and sanity - but it's all too much isn't it? Maybe I should have opted for a manicure gift certificate instead.

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Leap?

I’m not sure how or when I decided, but I decided today to function in the realm of "What the hell, why not?" Maybe you think I already have been given the whole running business, but this is actually even possibly more daring or not. I have been staring at a job posting for the last 2 months and wondering should I? Should I just see? I mean who knows, or who even cares if I don’t get contacted for the reference stage or even the interview stage. Its funny there was a part of me going well if I get the job, what then, I can’t move, I’m not ready and so on, And then I realized today, who even knows if you are prepared education wise and life wise to get the job, so why not just apply? If you get it then you get it and we move and do all the fun stuff related to going across the continent to a little office on a big university campus – a university I in my wildest dreams would have loved to attend – as a student of course. So on that note I cleaned up my resume, and now I'm off to write two cover letters - I looked again - there are two possible FT jobs...

I leap and get level ground again or a whole new journey - I don't see the loss in this situation.

Run, A little Run, for Me

Or for you. I am somewhat giddy about the possibility of finally running a half marathon, but more importantly a full one. I opened up this months addition of Runner's World and they have the full year's listed of all the races in the world. Yes the world, I was thinking of running something in Europe because then I could really justify a week abroad, something in Germany would be nice because I'd have someone to stay with, but who knows there is Greece and Italy and on and on. It's a life long plethora of races that could/should be run.

Right now I'm looking at adding the Royal Victoria and one of the Seattle's to mix, in theory a 13.1 miler if I am training for a full is going to be an average distance and they could be used to help me gain confidence and race experience.

But really I can't imagine you want to know about all the details - it's a little stressful at the same time, given all I have to purchase again. See the last time I routinely hit the road I was two dress sizes bigger - to be honest I can't really remember those days of that size. I know that most people haven't noticed, it's been a long and slow process. I have regularly attended a gym for going on 4 years this February (Started Feb 05). I would like to drop another size, but really have no expectations of doing so or seeing really dramatic physical changes - my mother's body at it's smallest was an 8, granted that was a size 8 20 some odd years ago and now that's a 10, and since I'm an 8 now, I'm a 10 then... anyways I'm like her physical clone, so I don't imagine I'll be running the Miami Marathon (possibly that location) next year with a whole new body, I'd be happy with no jelly on my belly or even less that I could eat ice cream again and not care.

On this weird tangent, did you know that for every mile you complete you burn a minimum of 100 calories? So whether you walk or run, you're doing yourself good. Log 35 miles in a week and you've in effect burned of 1lb of fat, now granted given this season you've maybe just staved off the Christmas 10.

So that all is the "fun side" of the lifestyle - summed up I will be purchasing the following in the near future:

1 plantar fasciitis sock, to replace my old one the last time I started to train for a marathon and ended up doing 8 months of rehab, but that also had to do with my wearing heels - I guess I've got to quit those too again... darn.

1 watch - preferably with a Heart Rate monitor - I was looking at the Nike Triax Elite - to also help me time the distances etc.

2 pairs of New Balance shoes - one to replace my gym pair - now a year old - though in pristine condition they've easily logged 500 miles this past year (average week was 15-25 miles), and a pair for outside.

1 pair of running tights - I have a pair that should still be okay, a little loose but okay - and those ones are fleece lined for our winters.

2 running tops - I would use my Lululemon ones but the fabric retains the moisture different then the running fabrics.

1 warm layers - I had this wonderful fleece lined layer with the hand warmer part and it was stolen from the gym while I was doing my weights.

1 running toque - cotton or wool just ends up being sweaty and bulky - or unkind when you try and shove a stubby ponytail under it.

2 pairs of cheap gloves - you know the 2 dollar one size fits all kinds we have millions of lost partner ones of but don't have the heart to throw away

3 pairs of running socks - mine a getting a little sketchy.

Since I'll still be logging the majority of my miles on a treadmill for the next month or so, I will slowly acquire the above - or hope that there are some really good sales given the economy as of late... Even on that note, I will take donations...

Take Care all - I'm off to do the dishes wrap the last of the gifts and have a nap - it's Sunday after all - it's a sacred nap day. But before I depart another song you can add to the running list you may have:

Wanted: Running Buddy

As many of you know I've been running, or more specifically I've started running again. Why? Well other then that interesting incident with the Italian waitress who thought I was pregnant, I've set a goal of running a half marathon in the spring and then if all goes well another one or two in the fall and a marathon next winter - the when and where will remain anonymous because I am sure the paparazzi will be overwhelming if I do disclose those.

Regardless, I need a buddy to help me enjoy my "casual" long runs. So if you are available Saturday mornings or early Sundays like 6:30-7am, in the Vancouver area and able to run at a 5.5mph pace or slightly faster over 6-10 miles and of course would like to do that with me huffing along next to you then let me know.

Rewards? Health and wellness? Time with me? I am sure those aren't enough, maybe you're training for a marathon or a half marathon yourself and you're going to do it for that reason. If you need another incentive, I am happy to make a full breakfast one a month for you.

So the real details:

When: Mid January to Mid April for now, if you would like that can continue on and on and on...

Dates: Saturday mornings or early Sunday mornings

Time: 9:30am or earlier (6:30-7 on Sundays)

Who: You if you are up for it

Why: Because you are a wonderful person

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The Truth Isn't Sexy

That's the title of the Salvation Army's new campaign targeting human trafficking, which for those of us in Vancouver is actually a huge deal. We are one of the main ports of entry for the Pacific Rim, and a even greater area of interest with the Olympics coming in 2010. Have a look - it's a quick video. The Salvation Army has a website dealing with the issue, as well there are many other sites I can direct you towards, such as Ahava Ministries for those in the US.