Breathe...

I've come to the conclusion I'm a Christina/Meredith. There is a part of me, the hopeless romantic, the portion that dreams of the ideal dress, invites and what my cake is going to look like, but in the end can never really process that reality. It is only in the act of someone very much like our self getting married that the reality comes slightly into focus. Yet Christina could not do it, and so there I am again, back in the same place a commitment-phobe. Maybe that is the reason I am not interested in dating . . . my heart may palpitate at the end of Pride and Prejudice, but in reality I suffer with cold sweat nightmares of marriage that shock me in the night. It is in many ways a literal and mental threshold I may never cross. Sure they say when you find them you know... but I do not know nor do I trust myself these days so how can I trust someone else?

My issues with commitment reach beyond just the whole wearing ivory and picking formal china patterns (the everyday was selected years ago...), they encompass the present. Do I actually leave? I was supposed to be on my sabbatical as of, now. Then my mom quit her job two weeks ago and the world I was spinning on lost part of its axis...we are on a parallel yet completely different journey now. So we delayed the date, it is now the beginning of June. All that being "planned" the reality is I do not know what in the world I am suppose to be doing. Which brings up another issue we will leave for another time, but most simplistically my mom and God have a discourse going, one that involves me - have not been party to it, as of the last oh 12-16 months we've (God and me) have been having a one sided silence/yelling/crying interaction - all involving me, none from the other party. So He's told her I need a sabbatical in Vernon, as of now, and that she needs to quit her job - which has been followed with yelling at us about finances, and guilt - oh the guilt about how much things cost and on and on.... So if this was His idea shouldn't we have some peace in this house? Apparently not. Which has got me wondering - I was honestly skeptical to begin with... about this whole discourse without me thing going on, but am I suppose to go to Vernon? Or am I afraid of Vernon because of the silence, the aloneness, the heat, and the possibility that I could go all crazy, ignore my all consuming commitment issues and rush head long into something just to distract from the agony, quell the fears of the future with movies, long walks and celluloidesque dreams of a future that is a true to life as reality TV?

This all leads me to a thought I had while on my 5 minute jaunt to Choices from the clinic, what if I stay? Not for like forever... going is still something I want to do. Hey I fail at everything as of late; failing at my sabbatical is not much of a stretch. I guess here's what I am battling with:

1. Cheryl's getting married - hopefully in September - she needs help with the planning...
2. Costs - I'll be out of plastic debt as of the middle of June, but I'll have $0 to my name - with not income support, a maxed line of credit, and no job to speak of in Vernon (I've been looking)...
3. Job - I do not really want a job for like 6 months in Vernon, and in addition my mom has no job so finances are a huge issue now, because not only can they not help me out, they are no having issues
4. Heat - it's frying hot in Vernon, and yes while I did know that I forgot the kind of fuss my body puts up in that kind of heat, that was until yesterday and it was only 25 degrees (laugh if you must)
5. Morgan wants a tutor until the end of June - and honestly I feel bad leaving her with two weeks left in her semester
5. All the other little things - Sheldon's girlfriend is coming in June, I won't meet her etc, I don't have to worry about getting hitched in 3 months....