Warning - The Following Blog Maybe the Result of the Full Moon

Or my brain melting under the new stress of the semester. I haven't quite figured it out.

Regardless my loving brother came to my TVless rescue last week when he recommend a website to watch any TV show I wanted. Of course I didn't go straight for the Bones and Grey's shows I missed last year, I went for the tried and true - watched already Buffy - yes another wonderful tidbit, I was a closet Buffy fan - watched it mostly for Spike but whatever that's probably too much information. I digress, I've seen the majority of the last season, and especially the last few episodes, so when I loaded the 2nd to last (?) episode last night, I knew what I was getting - mushiness. Yes, for whatever reason my estrogen took the lead and I ended up watching an entire 40minute mush-a-thon between the love/hate twosome Buffy and Spike. Why? Why is it that women torture ourselves with movies like the Lakehouse - a completely incomprehensible plot when you think about it - but whatever? I would love to be able to rationalize it as the full moon messing with my estrogen, or too much in the way of soy or something, but I think there are greater issues - like I am aware that despite all my fears - and there are a large number when it comes to dating/relationships I'm tired of being single and yet I am not prepared to settle - I told Leaha today - heartbreak is a guarantee but why would you knowingly enter a relationship where that will be the outcome by ignoring your non-negotiable - we all have them, we may not have a list but we have non-negotiable - be them non-smoker, childless, non-divorced etc - not saying that those are mine - I've got mine. But this isn't what I'm getting at - and I am trying to get at something. Why are women programed for all the lusty romantic stuff when our male counterparts aren't and even worse why do we seek it out when we know that it just makes us feel awful in the end?

Enough of the questions, I promised Leaha this wouldn't just become questions... but these questions have been drawn to the surface as I try to truly process this whole online business. Fundamentally it goes against the feminist in me - I know that when I stop and think about it - I am just as offended at the idea that I could be looking at someone for the purposes of attraction as someone would be me. I am aware that some of you know why that I feel this way due to experiences in my life - I realize it's not necessarily normal. In that many women don't feel that being looked at is offensive or to be thought of in any romantic/lustful context should be considered horrible. I however do, again to reiterate I don't look at you like that, so don't look at me like that. However, isn't this whole online thing breaking that mantra? Is it? I've come to this point time and again, and I stand here again and Joel you're probably thankful you don't have to deal with me - but it's the same thing - I can't see it being worth the jump. There is this perverse part of my brain that says pull the plug on all of it, buy Simone deBeauvoir's book, and a download some Sex in the City episodes and you'll pull through this - single on the other end and it doesn't matter because singledom isn't a determination of your worth. And then I think about the image burned into my recent memory of Spike just holding Buffy watching her sleep and all I can think is damn it! I want that. I need community in that sense, honest intimacy with someone else. Bah, it's a mess and much as I would like to blame the male gaze or my own stupid cinematic choices I can't. So what now? Is it going to take someone pulling me over the cliff I can't seem to jump off of? Or am I just going to stand here forever detrimentally/damagingly dreaming of what it could be like?