Monday, October 8, 2007

I can't say it was a good night, but it's been a good morning

I was awake, like wide awake at 12, 3, and 5 with a mind that would not turn off - filled with what's, if's, frustration, confusion and an overall rehashing of the last 5 years and the guilt - Jess says it's the most powerful emotion and apparently it's considerably stronger than any other other emotions I've been feeling as of late. So who knows maybe I'll develop some self censorship when it's all said and done. And hopefully character right? All this breeds character...

However, in a conversation with my brother this morning (their first turkey dinner turned out well), his response to my email last night - reminded me of an article I had been working on and put aside at least two years ago now. In case you're wondering I have enough saved material to likely not have to blog for at least the next 6 months - just edit accordingly and post... writing aids the overanalyzing of life and vice versa. Words are my favorite topic to over analyze, and the discussion was recently had about the word "problem," well if I may - the word "zing," "spark" or what have you - covers over a huge area - now I'm pretty sure of the definition in the current usage, but to look at it as I have always seen it - they all boil down to lust to my mind for various reasons. Now lust has some connotations of its own, and that's the reason I chose it - lust is temporary. Very temporary and as such I put huge value on the trust factor, and know that physical attraction aside the rest follows only with trust - do I inherently trust you? If I don't then it's going to get ugly if we progress down the road - as seen with numbers 1 through 3 in my life and now the last 1 and I guess why don't we through the latest situation in there too - had what I needed first and foremost to get over the huge hurdle - an aspect to their personality that allowed me to go okay, this is a situation I can stand on my own two feet in - I'm not going to be physically or emotionally at the mercy of the other person - the first step of trust.

Regardless, we move on to bigger and better things like synovial joints, Starbucks and the Grouse Grind - Morgan you up for it? I feel like doing something that forces me to feel pain elsewhere or more specifically everywhere. All things considered though, I think an intense Ashtanga class to channel everything will be the best option.

So to the quote, it arose because my brother being the great sport he is - claimed huge skepticism at the outcome - thanks - you'll get your cookies in the mail. But I figure we were raised in the same environment and have the same general thought process so we approach at this in the same way.

"I am lusting after someone to share the load, to wrap his arms around me or even just hold my hand and refresh these weary bones, this fragile spirit still so desperate to fight, to push on alone, and yet the desire to be accompanied by his words, this presence continually breaks through despite my best efforts. It’s that tangible aspect of support, care, friendship, not even love per say that I desire, it’s that spark. And so I lust after passion in all its forms, it’s like chivalry though; it only attains perfection within the mythological. Still we feel that it is central to our lives, the source our individual value, the relationship is our existence/purpose - those butterflies, sleepless nights and days without eating or what have you a signal of our life. We place such a tremendous weight on the shoulders of passion/chemistry, “the spark” and in action not only is it so incredibly flawed,but that spark burns holes that only damage, rather than illuminate. Tarnished and burned, it feels like there is little to recover, and yet we continue to desire that which engulfs all of ourselves."
Well technically I've been in bed for 9 hours so I guess regardless of the about 6 hours of sleep I need to get going on my life, dust off - and in the words of Jess - put on your pink lip gloss (since pink's the best) and get yourself to Starbucks. In the end maybe that's what I really need a barista boy - I'd be caffeinated all the time - and that is definitely not a bad thing.

While we're on this journey of trying to shovel it all out and get on with things - I have two large prints (10x16 or something like that) of Darrell's free to a good home - you don't get the frame - they're Ikea anyways. I don't particularly want them to go the route of Richard's stuff. Since well they were not cheap. I also know that Leaha's not fond of them and I have new Vintage travel prints to put up. The pictures are of the Lone Cypress and of a railway track in Hope - they were to be part of a series of 4 prints symbolizing journey and the solitary. We parted ways before the other two could be decided upon.

Oh wait, one more thing - I've got it, the new tattoo plan that is. I figured that having my foot done at this stage in my life is probably not the best thing. It will get done, just not right now. So anyways, Beloved is on the right hip in structured cyrillic, and since we all know that I'm a walking binary (Gemini), I figured that having Broken - to be done in German once Sven gets me the translation - done in a feminine script on the left side, from which a lotus (like their logo) will arise up the side up the rib cage (Jess' suggestion) will be the perfect opposite. Possibly done in color - haven't decided. It follows the lotus mythology if you will, that from the darkness arises hope, purity and ultimate rebirth. It's just going to be like a month's rent so obviously not going to happen right now.

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