Sunday, October 7, 2007

Per Leaha's request

Leaha claims that my blogging is her source of emotional articulation - she wants an angry blog from me. The funny thing is I don't think I have it in me to articulate something that I honestly have no desire to acknowledge I could be feeling right now - really I don't. But since Leaha's not here, Tasha's in T.O. and Cheryl is somewhere frantically packing, moving or sewing - it's just me and my computer. Sure I guess I could journal, and maybe I should, but non-bluntness and censorship aren't qualities I possess as those who really know and have held on with me through all this.

So, first of all Leaha we need to start stocking booze in this house - the liquor store is like a block away - and with all the stress and sleep deprivation as of late and now the recent events - some tequila or vodka would be great right now. If we had that and I could follow a few shots with a blisteringly hot shower the rest would not follow - guaranteed. So the gut feeling - face plant-esque moment that I had been preparing myself for occurred. Yes I am aware that by using that analogy there is an implication there - and yes that implication is what you think it is. Oh, to be back on this side of the equation, I prefer it when it's the other way around to be honest. I find it horribly frustrating that my actions serve to reaffirm that which I don't want to reaffirm... I've faltered on this path in the past and as such removed myself from it - found it an affirmation that in the end none of it is for me. And you know, regardless of what some may think or feel or even say - to falter on this path continually comes back to the self - what did I do, say, look like or whatever. In the end - the single and happy girl has to put the walls back together and move on with my own life. I know that I've been hoping that things would start changing in the end I guess the more things change in other aspects of my life the more this aspect remains the same.

And on that note - no more of the website - that's right - Leaha was able to extrude from my conversations over the past few days that I need to completely remove myself from all of this - be it made clear it's not a result of the previous event, it is however reaffirmed by it - there's no place for any of this in my life now or for the extended future - miss independent was right in the end - bring on the 5 year job commitments, the old Jenn is back and as apathetically angry as before. I know you're all glad, I'm sure I definitely will be in the morning.

Postscript - I really feel convicted if you will to reiterate that this is not frustration directed at a person. Yes, while there is a slightly bruising, natural in these cases. It is the culmination of events that are the result of this blog, and have been for the last 5 years of my life - should those years determine my future? Maybe, maybe not but at the end of this day and the ones that will follow for a long while until someone can give me a good enough reason why not than yes, these sentiments will continue - I've blogged about it several times before - k, so maybe you think I'm cool or what have you but I'm know who I am - and that Type A, planner, wholly emotionally invested and too blunt for her own good person is best of on her own. Why? Because there are dueling parts of her brain right now that say, oh just f__ it, to the pain as well as to this person you were thinking of, sure why not... and in the end that's just asking for another oh just f___ it when it comes to life. So no, not unless they're prepared to read the blogs, all of them and know what they're up against - then I say sure if they're willing I guess I'm prepared to consume more alcohol when this all repeats itself.

And the shoes? As noted before, back in June under the topic Facebook - a pair of these handmade vegan stilettos would make the world even better than a very strong martini would.

1 comment:

LeahA said...

I dont know if I want old apathetic angry jenn..maybe just angry jenn.. apath will get you no where.. i am apathetic and it is something that i hate ! as for the Vodka.. tomorow, or no tuesday we will stock up ! all the girls here agree that all boys should be cut out ! !! and that rocks should be thrown at them !