Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Talked to death...

I work with predominately women and all being in some stage of relationship and me the single unmarried one in the office - what then shall we talk about but me. Single me... Seriously I'm not actively looking - if someone where to come along with serious intents then maybe that would change - strong emphasis on the maybe.

I just overall find it exhausting to deal with the social constructs that dictate goals that I don't have for my life now or know if I ever will have - and all the while trying to explain that I'm in a season of waiting - waiting is acceptable is it not? Are we not called to wait on the Lord, not blaze ahead on a path we feel we are destined for regardless of the actual timing and will of God. I realized that due to the societal constructs I am inherently a disappointment. I have yet to give birth and honestly I have no intention on doing so – I really do not want to give birth – not the whole pain issue – I do not believe it’s socially/ethically responsible in light of the number of children suffering around this world without families as such adoption is the only option for me. Marriage doesn’t float my boat either to be honest, while the concept of companionship is wonderful, I’m not sure it’s entirely necessary for me and or that it wouldn’t be a hindrance. But regardless I face the onslaught daily – the You are not married? You’re not pregnant? (No, that’s just IBS…), You are not even looking?

But at the end of the day I don't really know what to do when continually forced to deal with these questions, grace is running in short supply and at the same time there is this perception that this is your fault – this is your decision, you’re the one who walks around with red hair, it should be your natural brown or spinach in your teeth or those tattoos - all acts ensure you are single when have we ever thought to think God just doesn’t think it’s important right now – He’s working on other more important things? We all have our path right or wrong? The whole path analogy is only ever used when things are dissatisfactory for ourselves, never recognized when things in another’s life are dissatisfactory to us.

Of course in an act of hypocrisy I will not deny that there was a boy in the front row of 10th that caught my attention - but that is a whole long long ways away from me ever acknowledging him in any formal sense because as stated to death, talked about to death and my complete and utter mental break I am changing my life because I know it's needed not for a man, I don't need one to be complete and I sure as hell don't need one messing up my life right now.

2 comments:

cheryl said...

you may not be "actively looking" but you are constantly thinking! if we go through your blog entries, do 80% have to do with you + the notion of "relationships" ...

Jenn said...

they do because that all I'm constantly faced with - when I spend an entire day at work being asked about why I'm still single, why I'm not going to medical school, why I quit the online dating thing - the options for blogs get narrowed down to that, work (I hate my job) or what I'm currently studying. While the blogs yes talk about it - here's the deal - I hate it, I hate being asked, I hate that I spend my life having to overanalysize everything because everyone has a freaking opinion about what I've done wrong and so "great" guy I should meet or the pie in the sky kind of concept - like we're going to bump into each other on the bus and just know. I don't care - the talked to death is it is - why are there all these social determinant - what cruel parent constructed these? I want to be single, I need to be single to get through where I am right now - a few years down the line then maybe I'll be ready to change that.