Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Dear Anonymous:

First of all, thanks for the comment, always welcomed (much loved actually) – rants are wholly accepted, grammar and typos always forgiven. So to your comment:

Lists are a funny thing are they not? You are right – we do all have them, regardless of whether we acknowledge them or not. At its most elementary using a dating site effectively requires you are to some degree conscious of the key elements on your list. That being said, I guess I have a list, despite the part of me that believes they are really an odd invention. That belief goes back to a conversation I had back in May 2003, somewhere over Greenland – Darrell indicated though we both agreed we liked each other I didn’t fit his list – he needed to marry a nurse or an elementary school teacher – as they in his mind made the best pastor’s wives – and my friend Marie – well she was a nurse and as such he would learn to love her. Needless to say - Marie and I dodged a bullet, he’s not a pastor and he’s married to someone who’s neither a teacher nor nurse.

While that is an extreme example, and none of us is perfect- this whole issue of lists has had me thinking – thinking about my non-list or more so non-negotiables as I like to call them instead. All the general standard ones – non-smoker etc., but with my life in flux, I’ve been wondering – is the list relevant? Does it need to be updated? For me that list HAD included – Christian, leader – someone I can submit to – which is huge, there was a comment made on a previous blog that this dynamic is the most difficult – but when you find it it’s odd and beautiful, someone who I love to such a degree as to willingly alter my behavior and yet not feel altered as a person, mission/service minded, socially conscious and a pacifist. Let's just say it's now under-review.

I know that doesn’t answer the questions or solve anything – just maybe reaffirm that I know I won’t fit someone’s list to a T and no one will fit my list perfectly – as we aren’t perfect, and to be expecting that someone will be guarantees disappointment and a graceless relationship. Neither person wants to feel like that, right?



Chris Robinson said...

I can understand the desire to do away with lists all together but you have to have at least some rudimentary form of list of non-negotiables don't you? I mean stuff like the species and gender (at the extremely basic level) have to be decided. While sir Darrell is a (rather humorous) extreme case I don't think you should compromise on the things that are important to you. When it comes to getting married its probably better to be picky. Evaluate what's important to you and decide what really matters of course but compromising on whatever you deem to be essentials seems like it would only lead to regret and/or heartache. Someone who doesn't believe in the same God, who is going to spend the next 60 years making fun of you for being a vegan, or some fundamentalist "I'll make you submit to me", women don't talk in church nut job just wouldn't work. Obviously you're not that dumb but don't be in such a hurry to get rid of your list that you lower your standards. You deserve better than that. You deserve a man worth submitting to. Demand one.

Jenn said...

Thanks for your comment - Leaha and I both loved it - I'm not in a hurry to get rid of the list, but maybe conceptually re-evaluate it to be more an issue of self recognition. This is who I am - make that list first and then deal with the externals. I find it's easier for me to lose elements of myself - so that's what I did - wrote out that list. We've now got to wait - who knows maybe some day it will be a blog...depends on the outcome I guess