Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Depending on who you ask

You may hear different things about me - who I am. Who am I? I've been struggling with that as Ryan makes me feel like the enemy in this situation and I stand broken before God, asking what exactly was all that, all this, all that will come for?

As I struggled to sleep last night, I found Psalm 139:

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Then as I was on the transit today I read and re-read Henri Nouwen's prayer:

Dear God,
I want so much to be in control.
I want to be the master of my own destiny.
Still I know that you are saying: "Let me take you by the hand and lead you. Accept my love and trust where I will bring you, the deepest desires of your heart will be fulfilled."
Lord I open my hands to receive your gift of love.

I don't know what God has in store, I've spent so many years wandering and wondering, but through that all I've come to see that regardless of the pain - the depth, the raw force, the darkness, the hopelessness - He sees far beyond it. It doesn't negate the pain or any of the other emotions, they are part of the journey. But that's sort of the point, the bizarre part about trusting Him, there are all those emotions but in the end there is joy and peace in His plan. It doesn't always make sense, but for me to have faith in Him to believe His mercies are new, I have to believe He has a purpose in all this, and He knows who I am even at this moment when I have to look in the mirror I don't.



Shawn said...

The opposite of anger is love and a fruit of love is forgiveness. I think most of our baggage stems from us not forgiving very well.

LeahA said...

you are under his wing my friend!

Ryan said...

For ages I used to think that I could do it all on my own too and I'd *always* want to be in control of everything.

Unfortunately by being in control I had become the god of my own universe... how could God help or use me, there just wasn't enough room for Him??

It wasn't until I finally came to my senses (only a couple of years ago too!) that I began to see the errors of my ways. I kind of had this warped notion that if I gave up control to God that all he would do is smite me, give me the worst job in the world, make me marry an ugly boring woman, and in essence just make my whole life a misery!

(Sounds utterly ridiculous doesn't it... but believe me this is what I thought!)

It wasn't until I changed my perspective that I no longer looked for what God was going to give me, but rather what I could do for God for what he *did* for me on the cross.

Romans 8:28 & 12:2 then spoke volumes!!