Ebb and Flow

There's an ebb and flow to life, sometimes it is a lot more ebb than flow, or too much flow and not enough ebb time - regardless it is what it is and that's it. Well right now, actually more specifically since the dawn of this blog my life has gone every which way but expected. I could go through the list of all the things that are now different: jobs, living situation, education, friends, family and what not. But that's not quite the point - the point is despite the fact that with each change this past year there has been provision, blessing and clear direction, I have a fractured relationship with God when it comes to trust. It's not easy to describe either - the problem I have. I don't seem to have an issue with the jump, that leap from the edge of the pool into the open hands of a loving parent, I do however believe that once I get there he's going to either 5 minutes later or longer abruptly let go leaving me to find my way to the edge of the pool again or drown. Why? I've had plenty of things start and only to abruptly end. The repetition of such events has made me feel like despite how things look now the bottom could drop out, the other shoe fall or the way obscured beyond recognition.

This process has made me worry about the future - about what happens when things start working together...

Now back to all this change business, I blurted out to Shawn Sunday evening I feel like I've lost myself - I meant to say I feel like am truly in a liminal space, being pushed from my current environment due to various changes into a new space, we talk about the M and W words but neither are really "official," school is halted and life is like well what is it? And I'm? I'm different then I was last month, never mind 6 months ago or even a year ago - is what I feel I lost something I was suppose to? Is this the process, is this growth just part of the whole process of getting ready to willingly relinquish an aspect of my independence?