Thursday, June 5, 2008

Silence

As of late I've repeatedly heard: "What's wrong with you," "Where'd you go," "Where did this all come from" and "Are you sure you're not settling."

Well first of all the silence has come for many reasons - I've been forced by my body on a few occasions as of late to be asleep by 7:30pm, plain and simple I'm tired - I'm learning more or less on my own how to: book surgeries, maintain waitlists, run an office - ie. keep everyone happy, fire staff, hire staff (yes already to both of those), Quickbooks, payroll, write cheques - all while screening patients on the days I'm in the office with my boss and trying not to go crazy. The new job alone is enough to keep me away from a computer and bordering on insanity most days. It's slowly getting better but not anytime in the immediate future will it be where I need it to be, to feel like I know what I'm doing.

The second reason for the silence is as my mother put it in an email to Shawn yesterday - "In other words she was pondering the wonder of it but couldn't bring herself to speak about it for fear that it would disappear as the morning dew (my mom's words). Now, when she speaks her words are there and she is letting everyone know (who cares to listen) how wonderful, unique and special person you are." I know I internalize - a deliberately silent processor of life - for me it ensures that my decisions are my decisions - that I'm not swayed by public consensus - it is my life after all and I've only got myself to hold accountable for my decisions. Once a decision is made if I desire input, a sounding board then sure I'll seek it out. Right now I am making decisions for myself. I understand there are those who say I'm not the way I was, that I'm being selfish, that I'm putting myself before others. That may be the case, but those others aren't in my body and they aren't in my brain. When I need sleep, I need sleep and when I need a day to myself to process life and decompress after a more or less whirlwind 3 weeks, then I get, it's my choice.
As to the initial questions – I went to Florida – and now I’m back… if you can’t find me now I’m either in Vancouver or Surrey mumbling to myself about how much I love this new job…. This all came from a relationship that started back in October and has grown – I realize that most of you aren’t aware that we’ve talked in some form – MSN or phone almost everyday since that time – minus the odd time out. As to settling – I believe those before Shawn would have been settling – this no way – I have found someone who is beyond what I could have imagined (like working in the same field and having a B last name) – someone who understands all of this and supports it, as well as loving me and I feel so incredibly blessed to have him and the community that surrounds him in my life.

6 comments:

Shawn said...

It's "write checks," just wanted to point out the spelling error.

In all seriousness, this is a time when Jenn and I both need support. We need encouragement and people who have ears, not just mouths. I know God has blessed both of us with amazing godly friends and family and I am thankful for them through this process.

Anonymous said...

no Shawn, welcome to Canada and it is cheques, colours and neighbours. Ha Ha!! Even my IMAC thinks it's spelled wrong. God Bless your future and take care of our girl. she is precious, but you already know that.
MG

leah said...

totally irrelevant to your posting, but i read this and thought of you: http://cleverlyeleanor.blogspot.com/

you have to read the one with the "matt and nat" post (it wouldn't let me link to it). but yahh.. is that true jenn?

Carolyn said...

Hi Jenn!

I just happened on your blog - this beautiful, shameless doting page in cyberspace! I look forward to seeing you again soon!

: ) Carolyn, the-one-you-talked-to-on-Bishops'-back-patio-about-vegan-food-and-how-to-make-it-taste-good

Kjaere said...

Hi Jenn... you don't know me... I'm a friend of Shawn's via the wonders of "blog world"... I just wanted to tell you congratulations and I'm so happy for you two! From what I hear on Shawn's side, you guys are doing things right and keeping God in the center... It will be exciting to see what He does with you two :-)

Natasha said...

I trust that if you continue to lay your plans before the Lord that he will make straight paths for your feet. Conviction and peace about your convition are God's affirmation. Be ok with people's reactions because you can't control them; you can only live your life in a way that shows God is central and in charge even through times of change. God bless you and Shawn...tasha