Silence

As of late I've repeatedly heard: "What's wrong with you," "Where'd you go," "Where did this all come from" and "Are you sure you're not settling."

Well first of all the silence has come for many reasons - I've been forced by my body on a few occasions as of late to be asleep by 7:30pm, plain and simple I'm tired - I'm learning more or less on my own how to: book surgeries, maintain waitlists, run an office - ie. keep everyone happy, fire staff, hire staff (yes already to both of those), Quickbooks, payroll, write cheques - all while screening patients on the days I'm in the office with my boss and trying not to go crazy. The new job alone is enough to keep me away from a computer and bordering on insanity most days. It's slowly getting better but not anytime in the immediate future will it be where I need it to be, to feel like I know what I'm doing.

The second reason for the silence is as my mother put it in an email to Shawn yesterday - "In other words she was pondering the wonder of it but couldn't bring herself to speak about it for fear that it would disappear as the morning dew (my mom's words). Now, when she speaks her words are there and she is letting everyone know (who cares to listen) how wonderful, unique and special person you are." I know I internalize - a deliberately silent processor of life - for me it ensures that my decisions are my decisions - that I'm not swayed by public consensus - it is my life after all and I've only got myself to hold accountable for my decisions. Once a decision is made if I desire input, a sounding board then sure I'll seek it out. Right now I am making decisions for myself. I understand there are those who say I'm not the way I was, that I'm being selfish, that I'm putting myself before others. That may be the case, but those others aren't in my body and they aren't in my brain. When I need sleep, I need sleep and when I need a day to myself to process life and decompress after a more or less whirlwind 3 weeks, then I get, it's my choice.
As to the initial questions – I went to Florida – and now I’m back… if you can’t find me now I’m either in Vancouver or Surrey mumbling to myself about how much I love this new job…. This all came from a relationship that started back in October and has grown – I realize that most of you aren’t aware that we’ve talked in some form – MSN or phone almost everyday since that time – minus the odd time out. As to settling – I believe those before Shawn would have been settling – this no way – I have found someone who is beyond what I could have imagined (like working in the same field and having a B last name) – someone who understands all of this and supports it, as well as loving me and I feel so incredibly blessed to have him and the community that surrounds him in my life.

Um Thanks... Mom

I realize the delay in posting have lead some to wonder about the nature of the events that occurred - while you were being impatient you should have just read Shawn's blog. However, that being said, here is the after post to go with the before.

There have been a few reasons in the delay for posting, one notably being the necessity to digest the emotions - to weed through what was exhaustion, what was good and what needed to be discussed without y'all involved. That whole without y'all involved aspect is increasingly important as I realized today. In that I don't feel like using the blog to corner someone else into starting a conversation about MY feelings. They are mine, and I should be able to, when I am with someone I feel comfortable enough to be me with, to express those feelings. I am. Thus y'all aren't needed for any side picking. But you can stick around and see what we see and all the things we don't.

One such thing was a conversation I just had with my mother - we've talked quite a bit tonight, basically about one large issue/theme/topic - which she approached with apprehension and wisdom to the point that I would love to spend Sunday with her - talking, having coffee and relaxing- God willing, I get Saturday off and that can happen. Regardless she ended her conversation tonight with a comment that garnered the um, thanks(?) mom. I said it's all downhill from here - commenting on my impending birthday and she said actually no, you want to know how old I was when I met your father? Err, I don't know mom - 40? Is that the safe answer you want me to say. Apparently she was 26 and 27 when she married him...

Thanks for the information, Mom - I love messing with your brain too.

So I have a confession....

I unlike the majority of my female peers dislike weddings. Yes, I dislike weddings. Now before I hear that that is because I'm bitter and blah, blah, blah - it's not that exactly. Sitting in the chapel before J walked down the isle yesterday I wondered how does one get here? How do we strip off all that we accumulate over the years of maturation? Is it in the end easier for her to do this because of her immaturity/inexperience? That is not to say that I'm mature per say but I think we can agree I am like my single peers at this stage in our lives where we are finding a specific single life rhythm - we have ways we like our closets to be kept, which side of the bed we insist on sleeping on - the right side/outside if against a wall etc. So in the end I guess my point is as I said to Shawn today, I dislike weddings, but I like marriages. And so often I think we miss that distinction. I'm not afraid of putting on a three quarter length sleeve boat-neck lace wedding dress by Casablanca with a chapel length single layer, lace fringed veil. I'm afraid of waking up two months, two years, and two decades down the line and wondering what I've done, why did I make that fateful and ultimately faithful choice? In all the glitz and Martha Stewartising of our weddings we've lost that it's a marriage we're celebrating. We aren't celebrating guilt free sex or the months of arduous dieting that got us into that dress.

So there is my frustration - while the wedding yesterday was nice, pleasant and all there seemed to be a clear indication that the gravity of the choice and the Biblical calling on the union and their lives was missing.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/daisyjellybean/368040479/

Monday Mornings and a whole lot else...

I attended 10th again last night in the hopes that I would provide further clarity into this whole vision and changing churches thing - it did, I think.... While I have impulsive tendencies I do know that when it comes to faith related issues I'm lethargic, impractically slow to change, even slower as time goes on, after plenty of times in recent past where I acted impulsive I've found it just isn't the way to do it sometimes.... Impulse though is still a wonderful thing. So attending last night apparently I lost my brain in the fog of the time change, and set my alarm clock for 6:45 am, when it should have been for 5:45 - so I was a little panicked when I heard the radio say it was 7:20... while I should have been on a bus downtown, I was standing in my room with Velcro rollers in and no clue what to wear... made it to work by the grace of God on time. Back on the note of church - yes I will be continuing to attend until I see it fit to change...no more visions but serentity and emotion were definitely on the menu last night.

The whole lot else - well 10th has brought a lot of other things to the surface - such as what next? I still feel drawn towards getting my yoga certificate primarily because it's a flexible, healthy and fulfilling job and it would be nice to remove myself from the medical field. Regent is looking like a good option down the road, they offer an Interdisciplinary program, one that lends itself to a focus in Gender and the Church - a topic that I'm fascinated with - especially post last night's sermon/talk - one of the members of 10th talked about his transition through homosexuality - while I'm not a proponent of these "fixes" advertised by the Church I am aware that change's in orientation are possible... I realize that's a load statement - let me explain my thoughts - Homosexuality is complex, it is in no way a decision - I choose to be ___ today - it is a result of sociological, physical, biochemical and a myriad of other factors, each situation is different - as such I'm hesitant to even the discuss the issue of "change" as I don't feel that it should be the mindset. There though does need to be the general recognition that from a Biblical view a union is between male and female and as such it does exclude the union of same genders - furthermore it does require that any individual who is Christian and cannot enter a Church supported union to remain celibate... Tony Campolo does a better job at explaining this...

So that being said, the lack of transparency around these issues in the Church as often grieved me - when I look at Willingdon - with it's 6000+ people in services, it isn't unreasonable to assume that there are several if not hundreds of individuals dealing with some degree of relational and gender uncertainty, even extrapolate that to those individuals dealing with gender roles - like myself - finding a place for a feminist, can be just as difficult as finding a place for an effeminate male. Willingdon has never in my time dealt with any of these issues directly, more just in passing. The issue of gender roles has been slightly discussed but not in a manner which is constructive, rather a you are female because he is male - it's a definition that doesn't stand up in the long run - it can be argued that women are more masculine now due to a response of the shift towards feminization of men, which is the crux of this new movement seen with leaders like Driscoll to push the traditional concept of masculinity...

One thing I am unsure about with 10th is being that it is a younger population of primarily single individuals you can't seem to escape the whole vibe of this is dating central - not my goal in attending and a part of my life I would prefer to leave out right now - entirely, then again there was that handsome guy in the front row last night who wouldn't have been in my eye line if that guy hadn't sat next to Leah - so I blame it all on Fidgety Man...

One more thing - since I'm adding this at the end of the day - my horoscope - which I read for pure humor sake claimed today was going to be a day of passion and romance - ahaha is what I said at lunch, but why not hold out, I mean seriously I'm not going to stop it if it's coming my way... but it hasn't sigh* (relief) and off to bed.

Tidbit

I do not plan on taking my husband's name - that's right... mine is mine and that's it. Before you scream bloody murder about feminism and all this - I am not taking my husband's name because my parents arranged my initials to mean something very significant. I am born on the same day as many people - Marilyn Monroe, my cousin Melissa (10 hours apart) and my grandfather - Jacob. My initials are J-K-A-B a more or less phonic pronunciation of Jacob. So that's why no name change. As to the whole hyphenating business - it's awful, I've blogged about it.

Postscript - options on this topic - I know Cheryl isn't taking Andrew's name and Leaha doesn't intend on giving up her name. Is it not just a patriarchal remnant of the property concept - to take a name is a public indication of being claimed?

A Taboo Topic

Sex - that's right I'm selling out and moving to a topic that sells... actually, No, not quite. Cheryl, my beloved bridezilla and constant waffler posed a question in regards to Andrew and her purchasing a house. They are due to be married sometime next August - if they can pick a date..., and currently live in separate apartments in the same complex. The new home they purchase will have two bedrooms - and they intend to live separate for the remainder of their engagement. Weird? Some may think so, I know the older I get the more I agree with their decision all the while conscious that the world doesn't. It's just assumed that you've, you know "done it." I remember the shock on my former trainer's face when during our conversation about Vegas or something like that, that I said I haven't done "it." Why? Well, the more I look at the world and all the dynamics that I believe that women equate huge amounts of emotional commitment and identity with sex - it's not just an act. That's not to say that men don't. Women though are specifically targeted for this aspect of their psyche - romantic movies, rings, weddings and all that is related targets that portion in our brains that believes we are complete when we are in love. Our society has pushed that notion with our consumption of all things sex to the idea that we are complex when we get laid regularly. From music videos to Sex in the City - albeit a funny show, the point was still clear - you need to get it from somewhere or you're missing out.

Maybe you do, maybe we aren't designed for a life of celibacy. I'd like to the think otherwise, I can think of a lot of current day examples - but that's not really the point. For me, why no? Why follow what some may see as just Church/patriarchal doctrine - in the whole woman is either virgin or slut binary? Because it isn't that for me - it's a choice I have and will continue to make in that the emotional price is too high for me. It's an emotional and physical commitment without a defined commitment to someone - and in the end I'm don't feel safe in knowing that a relationship is defined by it, as I've seen it is.

So are you crazy Cheryl? I don't think so - maybe a little revolutionary in the eyes of the world but since when is that tragic?

A single perspective on weddings....

While weddings are not marriages, all I've seen and been through in the last few weeks has made me wonder if we've missed the point, or if my single view is just that - the view of a single individual, as well as my view being held by just me, and no other member of this population would agree with me. Being a maid of honor, has become nothing like I thought it would be for various reasons, but those aside. I've found the greatest issue is I've been continually confronted with the statements "when I do mine" and such like and yet as we've seen and know, and I know if I'm honest those statements are worthless. Not so much in that I will change my mind, more so that there will be no "big day." Dealing with all these plans and its insanity has been the self really tough love I needed to banish the one last remaining thread that had been the snag in my life. My life has been directed along a path that does not provide for or in many respect require/need a partner. Sure marriage is a wonderful thing, life partnership and yadda yadda. But marriage is not an indicator of your value to the world in general, your value to your friends, you own determination of self worth, it does not make life better or worse, easier or harder, it does not make getting out of bed all the more grand. Life without a vintage piece of metal and gem should not belittle who I am or where I am going. Pop culture may have told me so, but it also has shown me via endless hours on myspace and blogs that what I'm looking for doesn't exist and as So You Think You Can Dance has proved, while partnering may be difficult - you get to the end and save yourself - determine your direction always independent of a partner - it's you and you alone. And is that not life? Sure some may say that's stubborn or selfish but in the end I think would be more stubborn/selfish to have a wedding knowing you can't have a marriage.