Silence

As of late I've repeatedly heard: "What's wrong with you," "Where'd you go," "Where did this all come from" and "Are you sure you're not settling."

Well first of all the silence has come for many reasons - I've been forced by my body on a few occasions as of late to be asleep by 7:30pm, plain and simple I'm tired - I'm learning more or less on my own how to: book surgeries, maintain waitlists, run an office - ie. keep everyone happy, fire staff, hire staff (yes already to both of those), Quickbooks, payroll, write cheques - all while screening patients on the days I'm in the office with my boss and trying not to go crazy. The new job alone is enough to keep me away from a computer and bordering on insanity most days. It's slowly getting better but not anytime in the immediate future will it be where I need it to be, to feel like I know what I'm doing.

The second reason for the silence is as my mother put it in an email to Shawn yesterday - "In other words she was pondering the wonder of it but couldn't bring herself to speak about it for fear that it would disappear as the morning dew (my mom's words). Now, when she speaks her words are there and she is letting everyone know (who cares to listen) how wonderful, unique and special person you are." I know I internalize - a deliberately silent processor of life - for me it ensures that my decisions are my decisions - that I'm not swayed by public consensus - it is my life after all and I've only got myself to hold accountable for my decisions. Once a decision is made if I desire input, a sounding board then sure I'll seek it out. Right now I am making decisions for myself. I understand there are those who say I'm not the way I was, that I'm being selfish, that I'm putting myself before others. That may be the case, but those others aren't in my body and they aren't in my brain. When I need sleep, I need sleep and when I need a day to myself to process life and decompress after a more or less whirlwind 3 weeks, then I get, it's my choice.
As to the initial questions – I went to Florida – and now I’m back… if you can’t find me now I’m either in Vancouver or Surrey mumbling to myself about how much I love this new job…. This all came from a relationship that started back in October and has grown – I realize that most of you aren’t aware that we’ve talked in some form – MSN or phone almost everyday since that time – minus the odd time out. As to settling – I believe those before Shawn would have been settling – this no way – I have found someone who is beyond what I could have imagined (like working in the same field and having a B last name) – someone who understands all of this and supports it, as well as loving me and I feel so incredibly blessed to have him and the community that surrounds him in my life.