Sunday, September 7, 2008


I spent the weekend in White Rock in an attempt to find some silence, peace and yet community. Community that allows one to approach a place of security - that's the wrong word, but it's hard to describe what I find I am in search of these days. I know I didn't find it in the worship today (at my Aunt and Uncle's church) - I find traditional church worship (Hillsong et al) hollow - I know that is not the intent of it - it is full of sincerity for others but for me, to be surrounded by the clapping and joy - whether genuine or false ripped at me, the weight in my chest grew and that part of my heart that bursts out at the most inopportune times wanted to yell: How can you praise? How can you raise your hands? Won't someone just come beside me and hold me - won't some provide words like salve for the raw wounds? It didn't come and I stood motionless, lest I cry, run out or worse - yell those words. Those words did come in the sermon somewhat - God is a God of Restoration, I wish I could recite the words - but it was what I needed to hear - that despite the lump in my throat and the heaviness that has remained laden on my life that He is a God of new life, second chances, healing, purity, restoration. He is a God who while silent in many ways through the years of pain, and more of that pain is becoming evident these days - He has been there too - that hurts, it hurts to know pain fell on a life that He calls a child in a continuous flood, drowning out hope, self worth and all sense of self - for a purpose I do not know and maybe will never even understand a fraction of it.

Anyways I know that there is always concern when I blog - that it's cryptic or what have you - I am fine, I am listening to Andrew Peterson right now, and enjoying the newly planted "Jelly Bean" succulent - in honor of someone, and the lighting from the Fall sunset.


1 comment:

Shawn said...

Please keep us updated on how the Jelly Bean grows :)