Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Good Thing I Have an Office

Why? Because there are days I over estimate what I am emotionally able to deal with. I wasn't aware of it, I thought things though sore and all bruisey from last night were okay. Then I had to deal with a confrontation at work. My staff is not apparently happy with a policy they say they don't know anything about. The confrontation, though polite in every respect, torn the wound open. I found myself screaming inside, "Fine, Fine we'll do it your way, just be nice please, like me, don't make me deal with another problem in this office, it is not in me."

A lot is not in me these days and that's okay. I am trying to find comfort in the knowledge that I'm here for a reason, not necessarily this job, but this moment in time. "God chose the season in which she could walk through that healing. This is key to remember. We do not delve into dark periods in our life alone or merely at the provocation of others. We do so when we are ready, when we are capable of facing the pain". (Cominsky 132-33). Granted most days I can't physically believe it, and emotionally it seems to pain me more I know that it is true.

Last night we talked about the things we place between the world and our pain, those buffers in our life. Now I like buffers, they are a wonderful chemical compound through out our bodies, they regulate acids and bases. Those buffers are fine, the others, like my hell bent need for success as a way to provide me with acceptance and love, that is not a fine buffer. That is a buffer that does not work, because when you don't succeed life just gets ugly, let me tell you. There is plenty more that I found out last night but then it just gets all gorey and oooo let me show you my wounds, and apparently I've got people worried and gossipy about what they've been reading. If you are gossiping then you don't know what's going on and in that case either read along or just don't.

Why the photo? Well because the best way I know of coping at work is an awesome slice of homemade cherry cheesecake and a cup of coffee, WOW Ms. N, you are one amazing lady, and I say that not just because of the dessert.



Psyconym said...

That cake looks just scrumptous!

I think we all want some degree of recognition for talent and that kind of hting, but I guess the pathologoical, 'I MUST HAVE SUCCESSS AT ALL COSTS' is not too healthy.

Though I set myself up for a fall, I wanted my dissertation to be the best thing that hit academia. Umm it really wasn't. But I can still get by. It's good to have high expectations, but it's also true that living to an ideal is incredibly hard, as I've learnt.

Do the best you can do is a better motto (still working on that one with me adn my own over inflated expectations of what I am capable of).

Hope you feel better.

Psyconym said...

Thankyou for your comment - you are right about how to be on your journey. There seems to be so much pressure to be young, or the younger the better, adn I am nearly 22 have only limited life experiences and self knowledge. But maybe these are the voices in my head, or just the opinions of others, and it's better to concentrate on dooing your own thing.

I had a room mate who took six years to complete her degree. She was 24/25.

School is so defining an expereince, I guess we meaure our lives by it, but in reality school isn't a natural environment.

I'll stop here before I get any deeper.

Good Luck!

Natalie said...

OK, first you are going to have to explain the first part of this blog to me in person tomorrow, second I am glad you liked the cheesecake I haven't attempted to make one in a long time.