Saturday, November 1, 2008

Hard Wired or Not?

I guess if you poke around in there long enough, you've got to start cleaning stuff out, now don't you? If that's the case, things are going to get interesting in the next few weeks. The time apparently has come to start rewiring my brain, sweet! Can we start with the part programmed to crave SBucks all the time? That may come, just not right now, instead she wants to start with things no polite girl would talk about...

The fact that I'm self conscious about this is socially funny given that I was one of the first generations to be fully indoctrinated into the world of free sexuality post 70's. Sex-Ed classes, 90201 and etc, though granted none of that was like current TV or celebrities or the overall culture. For example this posting comes on day after Zack and Miri make an "adult themed" film, widely accepted as normal by our culture. The thing is it's not normal to me, I get flustered watching that Rembrandt ad - and I am not posting it again, it has been up on here twice. The thing is I wonder if anyone else has consciously tried to sort out some their issues about that s word. I have two weeks to articulate all that I think it should be and want it to be because that's a simple task. So let's start from side of what I know it is not. It is not Blair and Chuck in the backseat of his limo or wherever else it's happened... it's not Pacey and Joey nor is it Felicity and Noel. It also isn't violent, it isn't violating. It's something else altogether. Just what I'm not sure, and since I'm unprepared to take the social opinion of keep trying it out until you think you've got the answer these two weeks will be thankfully uneventful. The religious opinion still seems to be we just don't talk about those things. I know Rob Bell wrote Sex God - which is not related to the title really, and there have been a miriad of marriage related books on the subject, but no one really talks about it. Rather we are suppose to have this fear/repulsion like relationship with it until we are married and then rewire that. See the thing is, just like I was as my therapist says fired wrong, thus wired to have the response I do, we have a cultural epidemic of similar proportions - and I'm not immune to it unfortunately.

Maybe I'm faltering because I am also realizing my habitual relationship need is a cover up for the genuine emotional needs in my life that a relationship will not fill, doesn't mean I don't feel like one would be nice... I think I had begun to process that before when I posted a few back about being all emotional, just was not fully aware until this past Tuesday. Broken thought processes all around and I've got to fish out of there and all the images around me what I think things should be... because that's so easy. At least the positive part of all the annoyance is I get to rewire myself and looking around me I see that there are a lot of people who would love to do the same, they just are unaware or do not desire all the messiness you've got to go through to get there.

Wish Me Luck, this journey is interesting to say the least, that said I need a drink - Sbucks anyone?



cheryl said...

i was going to try and buy these for you, but i can't get it to work....i think getting the "ryan and michelle" talks are well worth the $30. i'll even mail you a check if you'll go for it

cheryl said...

whoops. and the link is: