Hard Wired or Not?

I guess if you poke around in there long enough, you've got to start cleaning stuff out, now don't you? If that's the case, things are going to get interesting in the next few weeks. The time apparently has come to start rewiring my brain, sweet! Can we start with the part programmed to crave SBucks all the time? That may come, just not right now, instead she wants to start with things no polite girl would talk about...

The fact that I'm self conscious about this is socially funny given that I was one of the first generations to be fully indoctrinated into the world of free sexuality post 70's. Sex-Ed classes, 90201 and etc, though granted none of that was like current TV or celebrities or the overall culture. For example this posting comes on day after Zack and Miri make an "adult themed" film, widely accepted as normal by our culture. The thing is it's not normal to me, I get flustered watching that Rembrandt ad - and I am not posting it again, it has been up on here twice. The thing is I wonder if anyone else has consciously tried to sort out some their issues about that s word. I have two weeks to articulate all that I think it should be and want it to be because that's a simple task. So let's start from side of what I know it is not. It is not Blair and Chuck in the backseat of his limo or wherever else it's happened... it's not Pacey and Joey nor is it Felicity and Noel. It also isn't violent, it isn't violating. It's something else altogether. Just what I'm not sure, and since I'm unprepared to take the social opinion of keep trying it out until you think you've got the answer these two weeks will be thankfully uneventful. The religious opinion still seems to be we just don't talk about those things. I know Rob Bell wrote Sex God - which is not related to the title really, and there have been a miriad of marriage related books on the subject, but no one really talks about it. Rather we are suppose to have this fear/repulsion like relationship with it until we are married and then rewire that. See the thing is, just like I was as my therapist says fired wrong, thus wired to have the response I do, we have a cultural epidemic of similar proportions - and I'm not immune to it unfortunately.

Maybe I'm faltering because I am also realizing my habitual relationship need is a cover up for the genuine emotional needs in my life that a relationship will not fill, doesn't mean I don't feel like one would be nice... I think I had begun to process that before when I posted a few back about being all emotional, just was not fully aware until this past Tuesday. Broken thought processes all around and I've got to fish out of there and all the images around me what I think things should be... because that's so easy. At least the positive part of all the annoyance is I get to rewire myself and looking around me I see that there are a lot of people who would love to do the same, they just are unaware or do not desire all the messiness you've got to go through to get there.

Wish Me Luck, this journey is interesting to say the least, that said I need a drink - Sbucks anyone?



Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/alexdavies/360657740/

Hmmm

I have found my thoughts swirling around me like the fall leaves these past few days and unfortunately just as I think I have them settled, everything goes all skyward. Even more perplexing was my realization that I'm happier on the rainy days, which according to Canadian literary theory is all wrong. How can I be a writer and not have my emotions in direct correlation with the weather? It's a luscious fall day outside, ripe with all the seasonal colours, fresh cool air, and here I am nursing a cup of acid black coffee and my second mini Snicker's bar, because well it's been one of those mornings. Now maybe the osmosis from the joy of the seasonal beauty is hindered because I'm in my windowless cave of an office, or maybe it has more to do with all the patients who don't follow instructions, and my continual fight with them to get them to L-I-S-T-E-N. Forms in ASAP or else, I don't think you can be any clearer especially when I've given you 2 full and wonderful months in which to delay that ASAP request in. Well as I said to Nat, I think the time has come for me to start threatening people with the C work - CANCELLED. Oops sorry you don't have surgery because you don't listen, give me a call when you're ready... but I just can't bring myself to that. It's hard it's like the additional therapy I started last night. No one tells you it's going to be easy, you know it's going to be hard, but you just didn't imagine it would be like that, that it would make you feel like that. Like you're not alone.

So if I can impart some wisdom to you let it be Snickers are icky, follow instructions and more importantly you are not alone.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/agentg427/1909533643/

Another Watermark song it just seems to fit the overall feeling and motivation for this journey, finding the place of truly understanding the words

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Be Still

Leaha asked me last night when she passed my room - "What are you doing - are you blogging? Talking to the boy? Reading?"

I responded "Finished blogging, he doesn't want to talk and I can't read - I'm just absorbing."

God really is the only one who knows what I'm absorbing, but last night was just one of those nights and this morning too, where I feel like I have been, by my own desire or just His overwhelming love, tucked into His arms to grieve everything - not just the current situation, but the overall - as Leah said - I am His child in whom He is pleased. You're pleased? How can you be pleased? I'm not pleased - I'm broken, I'm confused and I'm lost. Yes, lost here - no map, no light, and no snacks.* The whole no plan thing frustrates me to no end at times, but I hold to it because it I did that - I planned out a perfect little life for me that funny enough was devoid of struggle, failure, confusion, strife, anger and heartbreak - it's amazing how we leave those things out.

I failed Calculus - I lost the med school dream the first go around. I fumbled through my first degree dealing with continual martial discord, a year on my own, a mission's trip gone awry, a best friend's secret relationship and elopement and all sorts of other painful events. Then I returned to the medical school dream - one I thought that was given back to me - little did I know that a horrible MCAT score later I would realize the fumbling was for many a reason - some I know now and some I know I will later. I came to realize I was selling God and myself short if I believed that my service, my use to him and this world was only in me being a Doctor, that I had somehow wrapped His love for me into my success - that in whom I am well pleased was only when I brought home A's or raises/advances at work. That it wasn't actually I am pleased when you obey, trust and seek me - when you serve others, when you allow Me to break those walls, soften your heart, move your spirit to compassion.

This was not my plan, but I know He has one and that's the crazy thing - sometimes I get to have a glance at it - a peak over his shoulder. Whenever I get antsy He pulls me back - reminds me to be patient and to know like Ann Lamott says in Traveling Mercies - "It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said – gently – that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born – and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born perfectly as possible."

It is for that very reason that I blog, so that I can look back and see the progression of Him in my life - September was an interesting month

http://traversingtheliminal.blogspot.com/2007/09/so-this-is-whats-wrong-with-me.html

http://traversingtheliminal.blogspot.com/2007/09/thoughts.html

Off to find some snacks for this journey, clean some dishes and absorb somemore.

*Haven't had breakfast - a little hungry apparently

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/12431550@N03

The Difference in a Week

A week ago my heart was tearing out of my chest as I dialed someone back and then raced home after service to talk, and now no phone call, no MSN, and no person. A part of me feels like it shouldn't be this way and yet there came the benediction tonight and well I cried - with palms open and outstretched I felt the reaffirmation that it has to be this way. That altering the course of God's will because we believe the ends are still His ensures that both our actions and the ends are in fact not His at all. That His timing is actually in fact - impeccable. The benediction tonight was imparting courage to follow the course - to remain steadfast - to know that the future will come clear in His time alone - a partner will come along side when His time is right, a service opportunity - the clear call given only as a passion at my baptism will be known in time, the path will be illuminated with only each step. By no means will I say I don't wish that I felt like I did last Sunday but I know how I felt last Monday too - and I know that feeling is far worse - to know what you are compelled by Christ to do and to even sit and weight it... it tears the heart, soul and mind apart.

So maybe I was right when I said I wouldn't date this year - I don't know, it definitely is not an emotional priority right now. That whole healing thing is - which we talked about a long time ago... not to mention I just can't rationalize it given the events of the last 6 months.