Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Difference in a Week

A week ago my heart was tearing out of my chest as I dialed someone back and then raced home after service to talk, and now no phone call, no MSN, and no person. A part of me feels like it shouldn't be this way and yet there came the benediction tonight and well I cried - with palms open and outstretched I felt the reaffirmation that it has to be this way. That altering the course of God's will because we believe the ends are still His ensures that both our actions and the ends are in fact not His at all. That His timing is actually in fact - impeccable. The benediction tonight was imparting courage to follow the course - to remain steadfast - to know that the future will come clear in His time alone - a partner will come along side when His time is right, a service opportunity - the clear call given only as a passion at my baptism will be known in time, the path will be illuminated with only each step. By no means will I say I don't wish that I felt like I did last Sunday but I know how I felt last Monday too - and I know that feeling is far worse - to know what you are compelled by Christ to do and to even sit and weight it... it tears the heart, soul and mind apart.

So maybe I was right when I said I wouldn't date this year - I don't know, it definitely is not an emotional priority right now. That whole healing thing is - which we talked about a long time ago... not to mention I just can't rationalize it given the events of the last 6 months.

2 comments:

leah said...

first off jenn, i would like to apologize for my painfully annoying selfish ass brat. i dont know what was wrong with me but i get moody as you have greatly witnessed. anyway, i also loved that benediction especially the part when he said that "to you whom i delight" (something like that)... i was like that is amazing... God delights in me. In us. In us young folks... the ones who get too caught up with school and studying and boys and moods. The people who continuously keep missing the bigger picture and breaking God's heart for unreturned love. He still delights in me. And he still delights in you. Isn't that great? Somehow, I want that to be enough.

Jenn said...

Leah this is a home of grace - your actions last night have been long since forgiven. Know that I love you regardless but I do love the cheerful you much more in social situations.