I responded "Finished blogging, he doesn't want to talk and I can't read - I'm just absorbing."
God really is the only one who knows what I'm absorbing, but last night was just one of those nights and this morning too, where I feel like I have been, by my own desire or just His overwhelming love, tucked into His arms to grieve everything - not just the current situation, but the overall - as Leah said - I am His child in whom He is pleased. You're pleased? How can you be pleased? I'm not pleased - I'm broken, I'm confused and I'm lost. Yes, lost here - no map, no light, and no snacks.* The whole no plan thing frustrates me to no end at times, but I hold to it because it I did that - I planned out a perfect little life for me that funny enough was devoid of struggle, failure, confusion, strife, anger and heartbreak - it's amazing how we leave those things out.
I failed Calculus - I lost the med school dream the first go around. I fumbled through my first degree dealing with continual martial discord, a year on my own, a mission's trip gone awry, a best friend's secret relationship and elopement and all sorts of other painful events. Then I returned to the medical school dream - one I thought that was given back to me - little did I know that a horrible MCAT score later I would realize the fumbling was for many a reason - some I know now and some I know I will later. I came to realize I was selling God and myself short if I believed that my service, my use to him and this world was only in me being a Doctor, that I had somehow wrapped His love for me into my success - that in whom I am well pleased was only when I brought home A's or raises/advances at work. That it wasn't actually I am pleased when you obey, trust and seek me - when you serve others, when you allow Me to break those walls, soften your heart, move your spirit to compassion.
This was not my plan, but I know He has one and that's the crazy thing - sometimes I get to have a glance at it - a peak over his shoulder. Whenever I get antsy He pulls me back - reminds me to be patient and to know like Ann Lamott says in Traveling Mercies - "It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said – gently – that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born – and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born perfectly as possible."
It is for that very reason that I blog, so that I can look back and see the progression of Him in my life - September was an interesting month
Off to find some snacks for this journey, clean some dishes and absorb somemore.*Haven't had breakfast - a little hungry apparently