Spit, Hems and Open Ceilings

Healing is a ugly business, it's always been, it's also been portrayed as so simple. Just touch a hem, be smeared with saliva sourced mud or hack through a mud/straw ceiling. They left healed or did they? Lazarus was raised, but he smelled of death, wreaked of it - how did he cope with that experience? The lady who touched Jesus hem has spent most of her life ill, so she's healed where's her support, life, family? Did the man who could see really want to see all the ugliness that came with the beauty, was it worth it?

I wonder if we have limited the understanding of healing to a moment, a get up and walk moment, yet we forget the atrophied muscles and a body that does not know what it's experiencing. I've come into this stage of my journey aware and becoming more aware that so what I've ripped a roof open, now I'm exposed in front of a group of people pissed that I've put myself center stage and even worse I've got to fumble myself out of the room, partially healed with numb and tingling legs trying to figure out what it feels like to walk, never mind run, skip or even jump.

In the end we will always be broken whether physically, mentally or emotionally in that because of our sin our bodies do not permit pure forgiveness, we cannot ourselves create a distance east to west wide when it comes to our failures, pain, experiences, but we can be made new in other ways that through God's grace, it's just the accepting it and living with it part...



Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/stureyk/61335705/

Running...

I've noted before the euphoria of sorts that occurs when I plat, plat, plat, my stress away on the treadmill, even more high inducing with awesome tunes like Coldplay and Kayne West's Homecoming. Despite my love the for the movement of black rubber in a oval pattern, I am aware not all running is good.

We have a tendency to run in our lives, run all over "hell and back," and be pulled in all directions. Spiritual running does the same a running in life - it feels good for the moment, you think you've avoided the issue, shed the stress until you wake up in the night with a leg cramp, or a sore right arch. The issues are still there, your stressors are still there and now you're just sore (not to deter anyone from exercise - just saying). The issue with physical running is that in the end it will more then likely contribute to your health, spiritual running has a tendency to do the opposite.

When we're running from God, we indirectly become acutely aware of how fragile we are as He is truly omnipresent - the weight sinks in, sleep is fractured and yet we have a tendency to pick up the pace, shove as many people, things, events between ourselves and God in the hopes to distract Him or distract ourselves. We are like Jonah, while we don't run on trade ships we do it with work, relationships, people. I've done it, most notably my second semester at Simon Fraser, I knew the medical school dream as a mirage and yet I took on more courses, more of everything - I was going to eat that sand if it killed me but I wasn't going to sit there and talk it out with God. Through that time I was in the whale and I do believe that God does do that to us, impose a whale prison when we just can't seem to get it. These days I find the thought of a whale circling in the spiritual waters below me is enough to get me to change my course. But it's not to say it's easy - believing that He has wonderful plans, greater then we could imagine is easy when life is easy, it's brutally and at times life alteringly hard when we want what He's directing us away from. I've grown to hold onto a saying that's been thrown more and more these days - the pain though raw now is brief, the pain later will be that much greater. In that sure we can't imagine making those decisions, but we need to because while we are being directed away from what we want, we are being directed towards what He desires for our lives.

It's one of those life lessons we do spend hours in aquatic animal's belly figuring out, while we maybe in the gut of another, He gives us our own gut feelings for a reason, and they normally require that we act. If the source or the purpose of those feelings swirling inside you is unknown then take the time to sit with Him and find a respite from the running in the silence.

While the song isn't about Jonah, it is about another pivotal decision and of course a song I love for the truth in the relationship between God and us.



Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/benjamin_marra_illustrations/2416100795/

Peace, Balance and Chickpea Curry

I can't say I've had a good night's sleep in over a week, or that I haven't had busy days and chaos, and that this week won't be hard on my weak voice - yes the laryngitis has yet to leave me. Out of all this my mom said something on the ride from their place to mine tonight - "You need a husband who loves with a sacrificial love, a love like Christ's, not selfish and self serving." Now my mom knows little to nothing of Three or any of our conversations, but apparently in all her praying He told her something I was unable to see until that moment this evening. While I was continually made to feel emotionally inadequate it was quite the opposite.

I was reading an article in an old Yoga Journal tonight that reiterated what my mom had said. "At first they appear magical, later you realize they have their wounded places and needs and unfinished business they're hoping you'll complete for them." Wow, now that's accurate. So despite the gratuitous post about K, and yes he will as he has always cause the same symptoms for me, I know it's my season to find peace and balance in Him - when the time comes to alter the dynamics, it will work and my life won't seem flooded by chaos and a cacophony of discord, sound and friction.

So I'm off to enjoy my sleep, with a tummy full of partially digested chickpea curry from VWAV and I know that regardless of tomorrow - His mercies are new and He's doing something with this life - looking forward to the glimpses of it - as I know the whole plan I will only see when this life is over.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/9722894@N06/726885563/

Got the counsel I desired...

The questions I did not. Bah, you know I realize this is why we have those we seek for counsel, Godly adult counsel, but really some days I feel like say shush God I've got a good thing going here now don't I? Then again the opposite could be said too - as with today's conversation. Seth managed to point out that for once my life isn't in an endless pit of shiteous experiences, one after another. I've got a stable job, a good, healthy and vibrant church to find sanctuary in, I've got an awesome Godly roommate, I make rent, I have a dry, bright and clean place to live - not always warm but hey whatever, I have a decent relationship with my parents for once in my life...

I found BALANCE or more so I found BLESSING today - and the balance is wrapped up in there, just so overwhelmed with grace and providence that I'm having a panic attack it seems. A could you give me less blessing moment in relation to God, oddly enough - I know, just shut up Jenn, could you just accept it and be thankful...

But here's the flip side - in relation to all things Three and Kansas, he had some comments and questions that are lingering now, and were very evident as I walked from the AQ to the upper bus loop with my Naomi Klein book in hand. Questions Seth posed...

Q. Why aren't you going to Regent now - like in September?
A. I want to finish this degree - to have a fully intellectual grasp of Globalization, International Law, Sustainable Environmental and Community options and all that - it's one thing to debate with the average smart person, it's a whole other level to write about it - as I desire to do. But yes I really want to go there - to have that intellectual/liberal seminary education and to develop my writing and focus on that and parlaying it to working for an NGO or even Campus Ministry, like Kirsten does for UCM.

Q. Are you prepared to marry someone who isn't intellectual - someone who doesn't know who Naomi Klein or John le Carre is? Someone who can't discuss the ins and outs of US foreign policy, the Cold War, Feminism, English literary theory - literature in general?
A. I don't know - I know that I've thought about it, extensively, I've thought about it and wondered the opposite - could I be in a relationship where that is the predominate common thread? Seth then interjected that his relationship with Nikki is the unbalanced form - she hasn't seen the documentaries - the Corporation, Battle in Seattle or read Klein, Berger or what have you and they do fine.

Then we brought up the issue that I predominately share those aspects of my life with men - that I vent to E for the most part, my father and to some degree Shawn. Well that's not going to work in a relationship.

Q. Do you realize that you're going to be alienated in Kansas? (Seth apparently lived in the same area Three does - wow small world)
A. Kind of figured when I looked at the website for a seminary down there and they didn't allow women to participate in the preaching classes... but no to some degree I've ignored that my west coast, excessively healthy, liberal and vocal about it life as it is here - with public transit and Pride parades and all that - may not translate well.

So with that a part of me wants to say oh blood hell Seth! But he does agree Three sounds solid and mature – it’s all the other stuff to factor in now.

Is the Absence of No a Yes?

I struggle and I think we all do with God in sense we know what we shouldn’t do - Ten Commandments – got those down – can’t say I’ve been crafting a Baal as of late – though my laptop is getting there – but that’s another issue altogether… I know what I am to do – Love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind and soul, love my neighbour as I would desire to be treated – regardless of who my neighbour is, turn the other cheek, walk the extra mile beyond what is desired and etc – we know those – the whole application thing we falter on but again that is a different blog.

The real issues come in the gray matters and those times where we don’t have those gut “No” feelings, if I’ve got no feeling on the matter against and I’ve got my own desires towards the Yes, where are You? Are you in those desires or is my mind at the mercy of forces of folly and falsehood?

You know I’m not going to say I have an answer because I don’t – I don’t have a clear one but I do have a book that Leaha gave me – and you know having a Godly roommate is a blessing profound. The book? Sex God by Rob Bell – and for those of you who have not read it – it is about you know, but more specifically about the desire for connection – the combination of sexuality and God – that our sexuality comes from our desire to connect where connection is lost – and it is also a recognition of the life spark, the soul of each of us divinely provisioned by our Creator – I could go on but it would be faster if you just read the book – it’s short and simple – which when you’ve got minimal blood glucose going on is a wonderful thing…. The chapter that really clicked for me was Chapter 5 “She Ran into the Girl’s Bathroom” – it’s about the risk involved in putting yourself out there – someone can accept you or reject you and vice versa, but the reality is this interaction/dynamic is “true from junior high dances to marriage proposals to inviting someone for coffee” (Bell 89). He goes on after describing a passage in Song of Solomon “So much potential, adventure, possibility. This could be us! Come with me. . . Does she leave? Does she go to the door in the wall and walk through to the other side? Because it isn’t just a wall, it’s a way of life. If she says yes to his offer, she’s trading what she knows in for the unknown…. This could all blow up in her face (Bell 93).”

It’s an interesting thing to be faced with that which is the primary thing that holds you firm to the platform – the binary of desires – yes and no, jump and don’t jump, the think of the future and what future?

So that is where I’m at – no NO, but no YES, and a world of intelligent opinion for one side right now – and yet I would just prefer if God could hand me a note with one of the two options checked, like back in elementary school – it would be so much easier.

Here I Stand

It's amazing that I continually find myself again, sitting on this ledge pondering whether to jump or not. To take the plunge - in this case ponder a ticket purchase. I've been here before with all sorts of other emotions - doubt, conviction, fear, foreknowledge and more often than not His firm whispering No, this is not the time, trust Me. So now I sit here and I don't hear that whisper, and now I'm wondering what now? Is it in me to jump regardless of the possible outcome? Why do I feel different? I feel this unsettling peace, this desire to progress and yet there are fears - apprehensions - emotions colliding and blending into indistinguishable combinations - hope and fear, joy and pain etc...

So a break is what is going to occur this weekend Three and I won't talk until Monday. I'm going to cancel my engagements and fast - Sundown to Sundown - Friday Night to Saturday Night which is a crazy thing for me considering my regimented diet and temperamental blood sugars but I think it's essential - like I said to Leaha - this without a doubt warrants it. In addition to that I would like prayer from you the readers that we both come to a united decision about the future actions. Specifically if we meet soon or more or less call things off for a period of time and at a later date pursue a friendship, or another possibility that neither of us see at the moment. That and sleep, I haven't slept through the night in almost two months if not longer.





Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/evecls/453883797/

Be Still

Leaha asked me last night when she passed my room - "What are you doing - are you blogging? Talking to the boy? Reading?"

I responded "Finished blogging, he doesn't want to talk and I can't read - I'm just absorbing."

God really is the only one who knows what I'm absorbing, but last night was just one of those nights and this morning too, where I feel like I have been, by my own desire or just His overwhelming love, tucked into His arms to grieve everything - not just the current situation, but the overall - as Leah said - I am His child in whom He is pleased. You're pleased? How can you be pleased? I'm not pleased - I'm broken, I'm confused and I'm lost. Yes, lost here - no map, no light, and no snacks.* The whole no plan thing frustrates me to no end at times, but I hold to it because it I did that - I planned out a perfect little life for me that funny enough was devoid of struggle, failure, confusion, strife, anger and heartbreak - it's amazing how we leave those things out.

I failed Calculus - I lost the med school dream the first go around. I fumbled through my first degree dealing with continual martial discord, a year on my own, a mission's trip gone awry, a best friend's secret relationship and elopement and all sorts of other painful events. Then I returned to the medical school dream - one I thought that was given back to me - little did I know that a horrible MCAT score later I would realize the fumbling was for many a reason - some I know now and some I know I will later. I came to realize I was selling God and myself short if I believed that my service, my use to him and this world was only in me being a Doctor, that I had somehow wrapped His love for me into my success - that in whom I am well pleased was only when I brought home A's or raises/advances at work. That it wasn't actually I am pleased when you obey, trust and seek me - when you serve others, when you allow Me to break those walls, soften your heart, move your spirit to compassion.

This was not my plan, but I know He has one and that's the crazy thing - sometimes I get to have a glance at it - a peak over his shoulder. Whenever I get antsy He pulls me back - reminds me to be patient and to know like Ann Lamott says in Traveling Mercies - "It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said – gently – that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born – and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born perfectly as possible."

It is for that very reason that I blog, so that I can look back and see the progression of Him in my life - September was an interesting month

http://traversingtheliminal.blogspot.com/2007/09/so-this-is-whats-wrong-with-me.html

http://traversingtheliminal.blogspot.com/2007/09/thoughts.html

Off to find some snacks for this journey, clean some dishes and absorb somemore.

*Haven't had breakfast - a little hungry apparently

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/12431550@N03

The Difference in a Week

A week ago my heart was tearing out of my chest as I dialed someone back and then raced home after service to talk, and now no phone call, no MSN, and no person. A part of me feels like it shouldn't be this way and yet there came the benediction tonight and well I cried - with palms open and outstretched I felt the reaffirmation that it has to be this way. That altering the course of God's will because we believe the ends are still His ensures that both our actions and the ends are in fact not His at all. That His timing is actually in fact - impeccable. The benediction tonight was imparting courage to follow the course - to remain steadfast - to know that the future will come clear in His time alone - a partner will come along side when His time is right, a service opportunity - the clear call given only as a passion at my baptism will be known in time, the path will be illuminated with only each step. By no means will I say I don't wish that I felt like I did last Sunday but I know how I felt last Monday too - and I know that feeling is far worse - to know what you are compelled by Christ to do and to even sit and weight it... it tears the heart, soul and mind apart.

So maybe I was right when I said I wouldn't date this year - I don't know, it definitely is not an emotional priority right now. That whole healing thing is - which we talked about a long time ago... not to mention I just can't rationalize it given the events of the last 6 months.

Twilight Zone, cue soundtrack

It all started bizarre and went even more bizarre tonight leaving me feeling torn, more emotionally broken and confused. Where to start, how to separate the layers of events.

1. Great is thy Faithfulness - He whispered - oh my Jenn, beloved are you - but what are you doing? Do you not trust me? Will I not provide? I have provisioned work, a warm, dry, safe place to live, a roommate who brings my Truth, my Love, my Grace?

2. The message Matthew - His trial to temptation - because of it we are to believe we are children of God despite no earthly evidence - we must maintain our course when there are no external markers of success... it had me thinking about singleness, about school, about work - am I too reliant on external markers of success - of course I could turn that into a whole blog about the Church - but I know in my life - why am I still sold on the idea that singleness is an external marker of my failure to become that which is desired - to be that which is desired by the world - is that not the last thing I want to be?

3. When I sat down today I saw a face behind the drums - a face I've seen before at Tenth and one I've seen back through the years all the way to the days before grade 2, when I met C and her older brother . Thankfully I was sitting. Here's the long story short - I've always been in awe of him, helps that there was about a 10 year age gap between us. Regardless of that I started volunteering at W, now 3 1/2 - 4 years ago for various reasons - one to get to know him (he was a youth sponsor) - he's always represented to me what I was looking for if I had to be super picky - smart, talented (drums etc), charismatic, funny, warm and yet respected - that presence in a room that demands respect through his humility, and God centered heart - oh did I mention he's a Mennonite and can play ROOK. I talked to him only briefly over that time - the last time I made a complete ass of myself - a bumbling idiot - he's the only man who has and continually reduces me to mumblings, bumbles. So fast forward to last week and I Googled him for some bizarre reason - and found the blog that followed his father's and his journey across Canada on bike - to raise money for his parents - now missionaries in the Ukraine. And there he was tonight - and I couldn't do it - I couldn't say Hi, knowing that only verbal diarrhea would emerge from me, a person so violently convicted about my life - honestly I was more worried that a part of me would force me to do what I am right now - cry.

4. BMMWH was there and I will acknowledge that while his aesthetic is still nice to look at, his behavior today - solidified for me that there is something I need in that one - discernment, leadership and composure because I lack those and so does BMMWH. Well that's all a relief.

5. Leaha's potential blind date guy decided to visit Tenth tonight - she saw him during communion and decided to talk to him - brave girl.

So what's with the crying - the song selection, the whole deal - I started to read Hosea last night and that's where the crying started - to grasp it and listen to the second song - it's painful to know that we continually whore ourselves out in search of something that no worldly person, product or purpose could fulfill. Listen to them- absorb them.

Thoughts

Let's leave whatever it was that previously occured where it is - got questions you can ask them but it's still something that even I am begining to realize that I have only begun to deal with the whole feeling like damaged goods at times and at others feminist with well constructed force field and the majority of times a woman I am not comfortable with - at odds with when I swing through the full range of emotions from the far end of feeling confident or sensual - note I did not use another commonly used word, the opposite end of feeling awkard in the body of 25 year old and wondering why.

Onwards now. Many topics to cover and short laptop battery to cover them in.

1. Had an interview today - I know not new news for those following the saga, more so black comedy that has been my job search. The crazy thing is after all the interviews at medical offices and the missed opportunity to write for an advertising firm - there was an job opening at Willingdon for a Student Ministries Administrative Assistant. It's a run for your life job - like BUSY. Who knows. But you know to pray before an interview almost reduced me to tears today - it's crazy to communally seek the best candidate. On top of that to know that they see your heart - to see the brokenness in the sacrifice of medicine and the unsure nature that a life in Christ can bring - FLUX.

2. This is why I love having a roomie - Leaha's worried I'm going to get sick of her but she's not me and so I won't - she's Steve's polar opposite when it comes to personality - Steve was quiet, Leaha is not and it's good - because I'm there now. And one place I am is the burgeoning social justice - teach me your ways world - well not exactly but you know. So we're going to the VIFF and catching some late night documentarys - one on he human traficking of women - It Happened Just Before and tomorrow In Memory of Myself which following a man before he takes his vows - the real ones, not the until death due us part ones, looks like the other option - although there are tons of great films - like The Orange Chronicles - a documentary from an International Elections Observer on the dozens of films on the Environment and Human Rights, of course they have the fluffy stuff too - thrillers and lusty films etc.

3. Music - First off the newly released Leann Rimes - is very good - The Things I Cannot Change. But more importantly it's been mentioned before on here of the UCM blog -The Silence of God is an incredible song - Leaha asked why I would listen to a sad song - well I listen to it for a few reasons.

a. I'm still there in that waste land - be it Everest mountain top or Rift Valley bottom (see UCM's blog for 2 blogs in that 3 part series - 3 is in the works).

b. It's good to be reminded that while He might not be silent in your life, His is in others.

So here's the lyrics - it's not on his myspace anymore but here's the link to it if you want to have a listen

Lyrics:

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God
It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God
And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes...
There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone
And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

бог хваления !

Slava Bogu! (Praise God - cyrillic via babelfish)Leaha and I now have a place! The "garden suite" on Franklin is now ours -be it horribly tiny, it is clean, warm and bright, which as every Vancouverite knows in the number one priority. It may not snow here regularly or at all some years, but boy does it rain and rain and rain. So while the suite may look fine in the light of August and the floor suitable to the touch now - it won't be when there is permafog, and days of endless bone-chilling rain. Sure it may seem like we get the good end of things - no snow. But spend one winter here and you'll agree there is nothing benign about rain. But regardless, we move in on the 8th because the PNE would just kill any attempt to get around in that area. We are a block from Starbucks (so all housewarming gifts should be Starbucks gift cards - Leaha and I would greatly appreciate that), 2 blocks from the Laughing Bean - which accurately I'm more likely to patron since it's all organic and fair trade, and 3 more blocks to Nanaimo (yah Donalds!) and two bus stops to Commercial Drive or a short walk - which I'm more likely to do on a nice day, it's 4 stops back to the gym (about 10minutes), and to downtown like 20minutes - ya I can sleep in!! It may only work out to an extra 30minutes - shortens the commute home too. The real story behind getting the place - our landlord use to refer patients to Ross - so 10 years working for Dr. K paid off in more ways then one! K, I don't ever want to sound like my mom - but this feels divinely appointed, considering the rent, the place, the landlord and the status of the market in Vancouver.

Fate? Is that a more suitable word for divine appointment? I don't know I find there is something helpless about the word Fate. It's like the stars aligned - no control, all random. I cannot settle with the idea that it's a whirling ball of chance - that I just happen to meet someone on a street corner, like Annie a few years ago downtown - her presence that day was what I need, that we found Max, the whole Mennomeet thing (regardless of whatever becomes of that) that Cheryl and I happened to share a bed for 2 weeks and now look at us... it's funny the two Russia trips have resulted in some of my closest friendships. I guess when you have to share a single bed or share a room with them and 13 other girls - you either love them or hate them. And really who else knows the feeling of jumping on to a moving train while throwing luggage? Huh? Well come around once we get the place together and you'll get an earful of the Red experience - I may even have some of Yarik's (one of my kids) photos to show you guys from his 6 week experience in Siberia/Eastern seaboard of Russia.

Interesting blog for those interested: http://slavabogu.wordpress.com/tag/ukraine/, and re:adoption - http://members.shaohannahshope.org/site/PageServer