Sunday, January 6, 2008

Twilight Zone, cue soundtrack

It all started bizarre and went even more bizarre tonight leaving me feeling torn, more emotionally broken and confused. Where to start, how to separate the layers of events.

1. Great is thy Faithfulness - He whispered - oh my Jenn, beloved are you - but what are you doing? Do you not trust me? Will I not provide? I have provisioned work, a warm, dry, safe place to live, a roommate who brings my Truth, my Love, my Grace?

2. The message Matthew - His trial to temptation - because of it we are to believe we are children of God despite no earthly evidence - we must maintain our course when there are no external markers of success... it had me thinking about singleness, about school, about work - am I too reliant on external markers of success - of course I could turn that into a whole blog about the Church - but I know in my life - why am I still sold on the idea that singleness is an external marker of my failure to become that which is desired - to be that which is desired by the world - is that not the last thing I want to be?

3. When I sat down today I saw a face behind the drums - a face I've seen before at Tenth and one I've seen back through the years all the way to the days before grade 2, when I met C and her older brother . Thankfully I was sitting. Here's the long story short - I've always been in awe of him, helps that there was about a 10 year age gap between us. Regardless of that I started volunteering at W, now 3 1/2 - 4 years ago for various reasons - one to get to know him (he was a youth sponsor) - he's always represented to me what I was looking for if I had to be super picky - smart, talented (drums etc), charismatic, funny, warm and yet respected - that presence in a room that demands respect through his humility, and God centered heart - oh did I mention he's a Mennonite and can play ROOK. I talked to him only briefly over that time - the last time I made a complete ass of myself - a bumbling idiot - he's the only man who has and continually reduces me to mumblings, bumbles. So fast forward to last week and I Googled him for some bizarre reason - and found the blog that followed his father's and his journey across Canada on bike - to raise money for his parents - now missionaries in the Ukraine. And there he was tonight - and I couldn't do it - I couldn't say Hi, knowing that only verbal diarrhea would emerge from me, a person so violently convicted about my life - honestly I was more worried that a part of me would force me to do what I am right now - cry.

4. BMMWH was there and I will acknowledge that while his aesthetic is still nice to look at, his behavior today - solidified for me that there is something I need in that one - discernment, leadership and composure because I lack those and so does BMMWH. Well that's all a relief.

5. Leaha's potential blind date guy decided to visit Tenth tonight - she saw him during communion and decided to talk to him - brave girl.

So what's with the crying - the song selection, the whole deal - I started to read Hosea last night and that's where the crying started - to grasp it and listen to the second song - it's painful to know that we continually whore ourselves out in search of something that no worldly person, product or purpose could fulfill. Listen to them- absorb them.

1 comment:

LeahA said...

Jenn this is beautiful, honest and raw.

I love you roomie and I am glad you (we) have found a reason to not hold BBMWH to such a high esteem.