Sunday, November 2, 2008

Dear: Friends and or Readers

I started out writing a response to a comment, and realized that maybe I just needed to turn it into a blog, or blogs - since I was trying to figure out where to begin while I was washing my hair - mental collection break.

I am in therapies - group and one on one because I am was a victim/am a survivor - I haven't quite figured out the linguistic meanings or let go of one and taken hold of the other. It was just 3 months ago that I even claimed the word victim. I have lived for over 10 years with shame and guilt and numerous other feelings, and within those 10 years dealt with the molestation for 6 years. This is not a who, what and where situation. This will never become that place. One trusted individual witnessed the first incident and another knew of part of the issue, both due to a variety of their own issues were paralyzed and thus instead all the security, peace, reassurance, and love that should have come, I was handed shame and the belief that it was my fault and life would never change. My life became a black hole of unlovableness - if they loved me would not they have stopped it? How could God love me, I caused this, didn't I? How could God love me, all I wanted to do was just die?

And so to fill that void of unloveableness, and systemic self hatred I looked to the one thing this world claims heals all - love. I was bound and determined to find it anyway I could, and instead the black hole of everything consuming me, consumed my relationships, adding to my belief that I was unloveable... And this continued until all the ugliness I was carrying didn't scare the person I was close to, it didn't scare S. That is the beginning of why S and I came to be, he knew me, he knew parents who failed, mental illness, he knew darkness and had begun to find light. Maybe I believed that would carry over through osmosis or something - I'm honestly not sure. Those months are a blur as my life though wonderful on the outside was coming undone in the middle of my being, every wall was being deconstructed, ripped apart. I was being forced to deal with all I had made myself ignore. I couldn't be touched, touch either made me feel nothing or made me feel pain. I realized I could not be married if those were the responses my body had programmed for its self protection, thus one of the reasons the engagement ended and why I've entered into a place of relational celibacy.

So that is why we are here, we are tromping, walking, sludging through everything and anything to get the junk out, rewire, grow, heal, get healthy and then maybe then we deal with the loving another aspect. That's a long, long way away. So between now and then or forever - if then doesn't happen I'm going to write, I'm going to talk, and talk and talk - since that's all I even seem to do these days and I'm getting use to it. I'm going to talk about how 1 in 4 girls will be sexually assaulted by the time they are 18 (Stats) . I've even heard scarier stats, like 38% of all individuals will be at some point in their life sexually assaulted/abused (I'll get the link for you later).

The Photo?: It is "Fierce Warrior," I chose it as a part of the fake until you make it manta I've been given by my psychologist, I may not feel prepared to do this battle, but I can do this pose...



Rosalee said...

Hello Jen,

Nice article. I am from My Yoga Online. Can you please change the photo credit link to an active link to

Many Thanks,

My Yoga Online

Jenn said...

Rosalee, I had changed the format to provide the link, but after thinking about your comment, I decided to find another source, and if need me I'll have a friend take a photo of me.

To say that what I typed was "nice" is a poor choice of words at best, and at worst cold hearted malice. Either doesn't warrant giving you any credit.

R.E.II said...

Hi Jenn,
Thought I'd drop by and say hello. I've been down your road and I understand exactly what you may be going through. Just dont feel you should jump into another relationship, which is another mistake I made some time ago. Jumping into one to avoid dealing with what actually went wrong with the other. I am no counsellor but I think you may need some time to understand why it went wrong and understand yourself etc...
I've had a lot of bad experiences with love and I do not think I will ever fall in love again. My reasons may be wrong but it s so life shattering when it all goes wrong. Sometimes I think its down to being selfish. But, I guess it also prepares one for the future when this sort of errors occur. It makes one much stronger. I do not wish to pry into the details of this but I think it is better to go wrong before it goes too far. It's difficult to find the right words o express myself because nobody can understand the pain as much as you can. I hope it's not your first time of being hurt. If it isn't then I hope you will find some sollace in the fact that you were able to get over it the first time. One should continue hoping to meet a partner who shares your views, or rather someone you deserve and who deserves you too.
Cheer up blogger friend.
Stay well and Ill drop by again soon.

Psyconym said...

I think I agree with Red Eyes. I don't want to make too many comments because I am not a counsellor either. What you went through sounds terrible (understatment), and what you are doing is awefully brave.

I can not say I have been down the same road, but I have been broken hearted. The bitterest of disappointments and pain.

Loves and wishes


Jenn said...

Thanks r.e.11 and psycoymn for your comments. This is has been a season of pain and will definitely have its raw moments, of that I’m sure. But in the end there is beauty in the breakdown. I am learning how to be vulnerable and yet unafraid to speak – to learn that I matter – if I don’t want to do something – I don’t have to, I follow the path laid out before me – and it is to thy own self be true.

At times it does seem like I’m sad, I am – technically it’s more like grief, good days with spots of bad ones – the good out way the bad now.

As for love again? Who knows, I know it doesn’t define me – to be loved by another doesn’t make me more valuable, to be single does not make me less. Love is a unique thing – we can give it unconditionally and receive it freely through our friends, through those me serve, through all the hundreds of things we do in a day. It should not and is not defined by that one specific relationship with a partner