Sunday, November 16, 2008


I use to journal but due to my ability to type and the feeling that well what getting put on paper is somehow even more vulnerable then this format, I remain here. I also like that I can add music, links and pictures - maybe that's a sign of our times, maybe that's just representative of the multiple ways we experience and remember situations - with all the other senses.

For some reason the names of God came to mind tonight, maybe it was Ken's discussion about how sex/sexuality affects the spiritual and the destruction that can happen. I was wondering if that was the reason that for me right now God is still so incredibly foreign - someone, something, some _____ that I can't approach or desire to. I do not understand God, nor do I honestly want to, I'm not under any Bruce Almighty type illusions of knowing what's going on or even wanting to.

I seem to still choke on everything that's happened, and in my weakness, immaturity, naivety, stubbornness and my hurt remain in stasis. A part of me knows that I am in stasis in other areas for good reason - a prolonged silence/stillness requires that I address that which I did not want to acknowledge right a way or even in the relatively immediate aftermath. But here I am, now still stalled, now stalled on the names of God. Names like:

"The Lord Who Heals"
PALET: "Deliverer"
JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH: "The Lord is There"

My Deliverer, My Healer, My All-Encompassing/Ever-Present Lord, and yet I doubt/stumble/fumble over the weakness, the failings, the moments of everlasting pain inflicted. And I wait wanting a sign, a grand gesture - one greater then all those I know I've been given to erase it all, to make right it all, to make life different, yet that's not how it works is it?

This is one of those songs that I can come to, maybe in doing so I can start feeling like I can come to Abba Father for whatever reasons I have, that they can be lost from me.

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