Saturday, September 15, 2007

Coffee In Hand

And a sink full of dishes done and drying, I'm trying to figure things out. I think I've got this whole living on my own thing figured out again - the fridge is clean and organized - no crazy experiments brewing, the laundry is almost done, dishes done. The only things left for me to do are sweep, mop and repeat endlessly, btw tile and hardwood be them nice in many respects are awful to keep free of debri. Anyways, I'm working through my Kinesiology homework - all three courses - 342's almost done, 110 - diet done, quiz not, 325 - nothing done (oops) - that's not good.

But seriously, I was "whoring" through myspace again last night (Meisha's term for it - not mine), listening to some of the songs/artists that cannot seem to make it on to radio - here in Vancouver or Internet. One such artist - Andrew Peterson, he has this amazing song - the Silence of God - but he took that off his player and replaced it with Holy is the Lord and Faith to Be Strong. I am wondering if I am not in an Isaac moment right now, or if we all aren't asked to continually be there - being asked to sacrifice what is seen as our all, our defining characteristic for the purpose of who He is. In that we don't know why - in the end though, the "answer is a sword that comes down hard on our hearts." Medical school is a sacrifice I made - I carry its memory - for better or worse - but I know there was no other way to be provided - there was no ram in the thickets. Now however, my current struggles are still tied to all that happened in that act back a year ago. Do I finish this degree? Is medical related work my calling? If not, am I talented enough as a writer to make it my living, or am I just feeding my ego with blogging - doing more harm than good? Do I even need a career path? Everyone I've interviewed with seems to have taken my openness to the future as flakiness and indecisiveness. I've got my barrings, I've got the buoys that I know I have to chart a course in between - but that's it - nothing more than the rough guideline provided by Christ. Horrible I know, some think I'm crazy - but I don't know. Right now I do know I need a stable job some how, a means of getting out of debt, a desire to finish school to the best of my abilities and beyond that... be there be marriage, children, culinary outlets, writing, moving or medical programs - that's too much. Is it really that lame to just want to know where my next paycheck is coming from and the amount? In that I know we were provisioned this place but beyond that I don't know where the provision for payment is, do you?

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