I am a whore....

I do confess.... On the level of reality I don't know if I need to confess that - spiritually sure but we've discussed that already. I'm revisiting this song again due to some further reading - namely a sermon/blog or whathaveyou from one of Leaha's friends.

"i proceeded to go on what must have seemed like an ultra-depressing rant, saying how much marriage freaked me out, how it seemed like i would be giving up too much freedom, how i thought the commitment was so huge and frightening. i said the concept of having this one person around me day after day - when i get up, when i go to bed, that kind of stuff - really bugs me. i like my independence. i like being able to lie around all day, with no shirt on, watching TV, eating leftover chinese food, playing my ps2, just being a bum, and i'm guessing that if i had a wife, she would want to talk about stuff, and she would want to eat real food, and she would probably want to take turns on the ps2 - or at least play with me - and then i'd have to let her, and if she wasn't very good at "madden" i'd probably get frustrated and then we might have a fight."

There we go, that's it - maybe that's at the heart of all the other stuff and not all the accessory reasons I have for saying I'm not sure if it's for me. The funny thing as life goes on marriage scares me more, maybe because I like the independence, the whatever or maybe as I've gone on, especially in the last few years I've come to realize things change, big time, flux and all that, the younger you are the easier the choice seems. My brother's wonderful words of wisdom still ring in my ears - if you'd gotten married at 21, you'd be divorced - let's be honest. Of course he chose to say this with my mother in ear shot - and she freaked, but if we're being honest I would have divorced Richard in a year tops, maybe two if we're being kind. Law school changed him - that's all he is now - his job, his "lifestyle," which did include cheating - in all aspects of life, and on top of his insane work schedule - he still pops on MSN at crazy hours - and at work of course. He hates tattoo's, he didn't understand my shower before bed policy, he didn't understand that I didn't like the idea of his mother raising our children, or even me living in Texas (ewww). Granted I didn't have tattoos when I met Richard, but I was going to get one, and also granted I wasn't sold on kids anyways and even the whole Texas thing wouldn't have been a issue like it is today, being vegan. But seriously it's Texas been there once prefer not to return...

So amidst that digression is the point, I know I'm a mess, I'm a headache, a list of all the things mentioned and I am and/or sort of am - Christian, vegan, pro-life, west coaster: "yogi, raw food lover, book obsessed, rain embracer, Starbucks addict to the point I need caffeine/cardio before I can order," stubborn, smart-ass/sarcastic, loyal and I'm sure they could continue on - hopefully with a few more positives. Then again maybe Jeremy's friend Stacy is right - maybe there will be that moment where it doesn't matter and to put on THE dress won't cause a MI or stroke, that I won't run like I feel like I would - even now and all that, or be seriously ill. Then again I think it's our nature - prone to wander regardless of how good we've got it - be it single or supported. And so right now the jury stands against the marriage situation, against the kids idea and all of it. I just don't know.