How do you picture the necessity to be continually broken?
There are two kinds - the brokenness as a result of all the "stuff" (substitute if you will with the four letter version) that has occurred over the past few years - school, work, family and yes most definitely relationship related - add to that a growing sensitivity to the joking etc - you know I'm not necessarily "happy" with being single - but I understand and continue to see the reasons for it - not only emotionally but also the flexibility - a relationship in many respects at this age and even more so as I get older sets in motion this course of events with this big end stage - marriage - it's a crazy construct... so to avoid that until I'm really ready would be ideal - this is the one healing is needed for.
There is a spiritual brokenness, that I believe is necessary to still look at this world - and not ignore it - not ignore its pain, suffering - the need to move beyond my issues, and weakness - beyond apathy and continually attempt to contribute to healing - in whatever form that is - discourse, action etc
Where do you find the most healing and can you go there - whether there is a
geographical or emotional space - NOW?
That's a tough one - Sunday night discussed the idea that beauty points us continually to God/something greater if you will - that can be found in many places. Healing I know in many respects is happening here and now - in this place being somewhere where there is a safety in this place - a reassurance that this is place is where I am to be right now - away from my parents marital discord, their frustrations with me and disappointment...and Leaha is a huge aspect in the safety of this place - she doesn't like to hear it but she's a large aspect of this healing process - not her per say but there is a presence, a joy, a wholeness with a broken heart (2nd form of brokenness) that radiates from her - she makes me laugh, she also has this amazing ability to light the fire for really writing/social justice related issues.
What was it about the new church that was so wonderful? Is there a connection between taking that step of going to a new church and having a vision of what else you need to let go (ok, leading question, sorry)?
I don't know if there was a connection - I'm sure there was. Well
10th Avenue is in an "intellectual" area - it draws from a demographic of primarily 20-40 year olds - a rag tag looking group of international students, PhD's and everything else in between - the set up is simple, casual and community based - bring food, share coffee before, hang out -
connect etc. It's a place where I feel comfortable as I am - and I know that I would continue to feel comfortable - not in the sense of hide in the back row don't do anything - but more so who I am - who I will become will always be accepted. It is many ways a "formal" construction of the campus ministry I've been working with - it's organic, a come as you are (tattooed and all). Don't get me wrong there is nothing horrible about Willingdon - but it fits a group of people I'm not in line with as a whole - the teaching is still good, but beyond that - the volunteer work, the set up all of it - is very upper middle class - grief, suffering, confusion, growth/transition and brokenness are kept at arms length wherever possible. 10th looks Emergent but is more concrete on the whole doctrine part.
What does healing look like for you?
Healing? That's loaded - can I say I'll know it when I get there? I guess not - for me it's when I get to a place where the knee jerk reaction to situations isn't to lash out in pain. To know that wherever this journey goes I'm okay with that - genuinely okay with that. In that I'm still so frustrated, angry, confused in general just angst-ridden about where things are going. I need to work through that - and my issues with career, future and yes men/relationships and all that as well.
Feeling unappreciated - sure I've gone through that - still do - in that it's a constant struggle to deal with the onslaught of Why aren't you married? Why no kids? Why no career? You're not graduated yet? etc... and the less I know the harder that is to just shrug my shoulders and be like oh well - it's not that I'm really all okay with the situation and undercurrent to all the questions - the belief there is something wrong with me or that I'm in need of help - please no set ups or anything like that. But that's what it is - the whole lack of understanding in return from the Christian community just kills me - the hypocrisy - where does it say that we are called to a 9-5 job, house in the burbs, 2 cars, 2 kids and dog? Give your 10% to the church or whatever and call that life. It's a load of ____. But like Leaha and I have talked about and as I referenced under "Healing" - anger doesn't get you anywhere with people - they shut you out - there has to be a better way to approach it - and so thus the healing so from there maybe I can address these issues more constructively.
Well working on the whole laying down or handing over or whatever thing - it isn't trite - Authentic - yes very much the term.
Photo courtesy of Amaia
Oct 25, Postscript - once again when I make a declaration that I'm off the market - it's like it's time to hit on me - bloody hell - go away, seriously I'll let you all know when I'm up for all that - not now.