Monday, December 31, 2007

Still struggling

I was thinking about my blogging versus the words, phrases, songs/lyrics and conversations running around in my head - while that may sound like chaos, it has depth and elegance far beyond what my fingers seem to pour out onto the keyboard. It seems words are being lost through the gaps in the keys like crumbs from my ToNori sandwich. I blogged about this phenomena before in relation to a conversation I had with Shawn - he doesn't blog in times like this because he says he can't, and I find I must - I am compelled by some bizarre urge to bring form to the fog all the while realizing it's futile and at best all I end up with is the distorted shapes - like those clouds you looked at as a child claiming it was a dinosaur or bunny rabbit, when it fact it was nothing more than a cumulus blob suspended in the atmosphere. So that's what I've been producing the literary equivalent of a cloud animal - depressing.

Maybe it would be easier if I had concrete aspects by which to form thoughts around, to tie or contain the stream of consciousness to, right now I've got nothing - my jobs are not stable in the sense that I'm always fluctuating between full time and part time, no school this semester and really no formal plans for the next year - sure a trip to Vegas and Germany are on the agenda, and I know most if not all of August will be devoted to helping Cheryl get down the isle in one piece. Then again - I enjoy the flexibility - maybe too much. I was thinking on the bus today about the construction of online meeting/dating/whateveryouwanttocallit - is it a distortion of reality - I mean conceptually speaking - people have gotten on fine for years - running into people in coffee shops, on the bus, places of religious gathering for years - what social shift has occurred that we no longer can handle dealing with each other face to face, or interact with a diversified group of people of like minded people on a regular basis?

The interesting aspect to this all is I had a discussion with my mom yesterday about the dating site - maybe just because I'm away from them on a regular basis - I was initially hesitant about the MennoMeet site - didn't tell them about it until I had to explain how I came to know about the Colalition of Immokalee Workers - they don't really know about Jordan and know as basic an amount about E - had some explaining to do recently. Now I just feel like in light of all that's happened around me with people and their unhealthy dating relationships that as much transparency as humanly possible is the best way to go - to ensure that I'm being held accountable and that I'm not bypassing those non-negotiables.

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