Struggling

I used to use my blog as an outlet for my journaling - that was before I had people I know reading it and even worse people I don't know reading it. Self-censorship is all of a sudden a concern. Of all the voices running around in my head and all the thoughts - I've found myself in a situation I have many times before - a sleepless night. So I'm debating following Leaha's suggestion of writing just for me and not for anyone else.

Working with people and maybe because I'm a writer - I don't trust what people say, I trust what they do - I trust the parents who have a handle on their children, I don't trust the ones that seem to stare at their 5 year old like they're not sure if it's their's or how they became a parent - regardless of what they say during a screening. Same goes for the patients at the clinic - a it's just a little thing - is easily determined by looking at the person. But you can't tell them that you've had them read since their first visit. So all that being said, why would I choose an online format - well it's the new Facebook isn't it? I just figured I should get ahead of the crowd on at least one trend. More accurately it's the issue of contact. I work with kids and sick people - there are no options there and beyond that Tenth - well I'm there for the service primarily so - I don't want my time there to be for any other reason. Then what? Let fate take control and wait until the day I fight over a package of plain Tempeh in Whole Foods with a really cute tattooed and pierced guy who just happens to love Rushdie and better yet God? Not possible. So here we are - and to be honest I figured it would run at the pace of MennoMeet - slow, very slow - not where we are. And thus the panic - am I ready to be in this - is there a way I can approach this like Jordan - comfortable with meeting multiple people and ensuring there is little in the way of attachment before the determination of chemistry? I guess a deep breath is in order and some good makeup - I know my mother is going to read all this off my face in an hour and I don't honestly want to try and dodge the conversation like I did after the whole situation with Jordan.

To offer a little humour - my experience thus far on this site - I feel like I need to take another approach to the profile introduction. It appears that the majority of the people smiling at me - have missed some crucial points - like the name for one. I'm a vegan - Google it if you must I won't know - but I will know if you send me a smile and I check your profile and find that you live in Kentucky and list your favorite restaurant as a steak house or you have a picture of you with your face in a burger all I'm going to do is laugh with Leaha about it. But even worse than the whole meat issue - is if you scroll down I have my occupation listed as a writer (maybe I should have put - I get yelled at and kicked for a living...) and that I have a graduate degree (they didn't have an option for over educated with multiple bachelor degrees) - put those together and you would figure that if there is a rampant slang, poor grammar and spelling mistakes in your profile - that for one we aren't compatible because I am going to spend my life dragging you in and out of bookstores, and quite simply it is sloppy and as such is as big of a turn off as if you said that your idea of intellectual reading is Maxim. Oh and of course one more issue - I'm a feminist - take that how you want to - but quite simply in this context pick up lines are a blatant form of objectification and I won't have any part in it.

Photo courtesy of MapleMusketeer aka Jordan.