It's not an answer I will write in stone - I've got two very important phone calls to make tomorrow - one to my friend of a decade plus - the girl who has loved me through every crazy crush I've ever had and the one I loved through her elopement etc - Tasha, and my mentor of almost half a decade - Seth. Both I'm due to talk to about said situation. But to be honest I know Tasha's answer and Seth's too... that's what time gets you - predictable counsel - not necessarily a good thing or maybe it's a sign of spiritual growth - I know the boundaries clearer - the yes' and no's...
Regardless - I finished Sex God today, and I have to say wow, there's a lot to take in and I don't know if any other book could have applied to this situation as well, and yet I'm conscious it applies to a multitude of situations completely different than mine. Rob Bell said something profound to me, oh one of zero self censorship
"It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit
that is being naked" (156-157).
Now granted I haven't had sex, so we can't comment on that aspect, but it made me realize something - that for all the transparency I attempt to convey through this format, it's actually for one not, and two it's a replacement of the genuine form we all desire. Now let me clarify - I do attempt to be transparent, but it is very clear that I can't nor will I stand emotionally naked for everyone, it's not feasible. We do in rare cases show skin to those we grow to trust, but for the most part we do a really good job at teasing while keeping as much on has humanly possible. That too is in part an issue I know I have as much as a part of me has the fear of not specifically commitment but more so of losing myself in the whole process, but also there is this fear that ties to that whole losing of one's self in the transparency - the more open I become with someone the more I have to trust that they see me as God does and not with ulterior motives - and yes I am conscious we all have our ulterior motives... so here we are - with an answer and yet no answer and almost 24hours to spare. Did I mention I'm not patient?
To occupy sometime - a wonderful song we were introduced to tonight: