Sunday, February 10, 2008

So I think I have an answer...

It's not an answer I will write in stone - I've got two very important phone calls to make tomorrow - one to my friend of a decade plus - the girl who has loved me through every crazy crush I've ever had and the one I loved through her elopement etc - Tasha, and my mentor of almost half a decade - Seth. Both I'm due to talk to about said situation. But to be honest I know Tasha's answer and Seth's too... that's what time gets you - predictable counsel - not necessarily a good thing or maybe it's a sign of spiritual growth - I know the boundaries clearer - the yes' and no's...

Regardless - I finished Sex God today, and I have to say wow, there's a lot to take in and I don't know if any other book could have applied to this situation as well, and yet I'm conscious it applies to a multitude of situations completely different than mine. Rob Bell said something profound to me, oh one of zero self censorship

"It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit

and thoughts

and fears

and future

and hopes

and dreams...

that is being naked" (156-157).

Now granted I haven't had sex, so we can't comment on that aspect, but it made me realize something - that for all the transparency I attempt to convey through this format, it's actually for one not, and two it's a replacement of the genuine form we all desire. Now let me clarify - I do attempt to be transparent, but it is very clear that I can't nor will I stand emotionally naked for everyone, it's not feasible. We do in rare cases show skin to those we grow to trust, but for the most part we do a really good job at teasing while keeping as much on has humanly possible. That too is in part an issue I know I have as much as a part of me has the fear of not specifically commitment but more so of losing myself in the whole process, but also there is this fear that ties to that whole losing of one's self in the transparency - the more open I become with someone the more I have to trust that they see me as God does and not with ulterior motives - and yes I am conscious we all have our ulterior motives... so here we are - with an answer and yet no answer and almost 24hours to spare. Did I mention I'm not patient?

To occupy sometime - a wonderful song we were introduced to tonight:


3 comments:

Therrian said...

Just to be clear on the totally vague comments over the last couple of posts...are you going out with this guy or not? What is the major problem you are debating?

Jenn said...

Vagueness is due to well I just don't want to share a whole lot right now - and no not dating per say. The debating is about buying a plane ticket and making the related and possibly subsequent leaps. All will become less vague in time

Therrian said...

Fair enough I guess.

My advice for what it is worth. Talk to him for quite a while to make sure he is what he seems. It's fairly easy to be full of shit on the internet, very very easy if you are in any way smart or tech savy.

But once you feel confident that you are not being put on, then there is no harm or danger in any way of seeing what develops.

Oh, and last bit of advice...if this guy doesn't work out, you might want to consider looking at people who don't require plane tickets to meet. Once you realize that it was pointless to use distance as a subconscious deterent to meeting someone, it will be alot easier and less costly financially to make that jump. :)